


31 Days

by Mellifluous_Serenity



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Bullying, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, Phobias, Phone Calls & Telephones, Soonhoon if you squint, abusive household, because i don't wanna spoil anything, i can't really tag anything else, mentions of bts members exo and red velvet, mentions of toxic relationship, potentially triggering content, rated M for suicidal topics and mental illness, shua's dad, slowburn, soonhoon near the end, that one fanfic where not everyone is gay, wonwoo's dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2019-08-06 20:35:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 49,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16394651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mellifluous_Serenity/pseuds/Mellifluous_Serenity
Summary: "Make my 31 days worth living.""...Why should I?""Because I'll commit suicide after a month."A story about a normal college boy from Busan named Jeon Wonwoo dials a number-a stranger-to make his last days worth living before his scheduled suicide at the end of December.(still in editing)





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is my first fanfic I've posted and I'm sorry if I made y'all cringe
> 
> The fic will mostly consists of dialogues. short chapters, but there'd be a lot. Each characters have different text and It'll be mentioned so y'all won't be confused. Also I'm in need for more wonshua fanfics so I hope you'll enjoy!

**-Cast-**

 

 

 

Name: Jeon Wonwoo

Age: 20

AKA: Lost

Major: Literature

Text: Normal

_Name: Joshua Hong_

_Age: 21_

_AKA: Joker_

_Major: Literature_

_Text: Italics_

**Name: Kang Seulgi**

**Age: 21**

**AKA: Queen**

**Major:  Theater and Performance Studies**

**Text: Bold**

**_Name: Kwon Soonyoung_ **

**_Age: 20_ **

**_AKA: Star Boy_ **

**_Major: Dance_ **

**_Text: Bold, italics_ **

**_ Name: Kim Mingyu _ **

**_ Age: 20 _ **

**_ AKA: King _ **

**_ Major: Architectural Design _ **

**_ Text: Bold, italics, underlined _ **

 

Name: Lee Jihoon

Age: 20

AKA: Uji

Major: Anthropology

Text: Underlined

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 1]**

Wonwoo

_???_

 

 

“Hello.”

 

_“....”_

“Uh, you can hear me, right?”

 

 

_“Who are you?”_

 

 

“Oh, finally you answered. 20 seconds not answering ain’t so nice, dude.”

 

 

_“Why didn’t you hung up?”_

 

 

“Because I need a favor.”

 

 

_“Ask somebody else then.”_

 

 

“Aw, don’t be so cold.”

 

 

_“Of course I’m acting this way. Nobody knows my phone number except for my friends.”_

 

 

“Oh c’mon, swear I need your help.”

 

 

 _“I don’t want to. Since I was told_ _to not talk to strangers, should I sue you for assault?”_

“NO, DON’T!!”

 

 

_“Why? I don’t know you. I’ll tell you this, I’m not the type who would say yes—“_

 

 

“Trust me, you won’t regret accepting my favor.”

 

 

_“Yeah, right.”_

 

 

“Spare me your sarcasm.”

 

 

_“I’m sarcastic, ‘kay? Deal with it.”_

 

 

“Sass much. I didn’t expect you to be a sarcastic type.”

 

 

_“I didn’t expect to be called by you in the middle of a damn quiz.”_

 

 

“Whoops, sorry.”

 

 

_“Chill, just kidding. I’m working at a cafe.”_

 

 

“Right now? It’s 8 pm so you got a night shift?”

 

 

_“Mm-hmm. Though I guess we strayed from the topic._

_What were yous saying, a favor?”_

 

 

“Yeah.”

 

 

_“That is?”_

 

 

“Make my remaining 31 days worth living.”

 

 

_“...Why should I?”_

 

 

“Because I’ll commit suicide after a month.”

 

 

_“What if I make your 31 days worth living? And what if I failed?”_

 

“The results will still be the same; I’ll die.”

 

_“....”_

 

_“Why would you do so?”_

 

“You could say that I’m fed up.”

 

_“You’re not joking?”_

 

“Of course not. Why would I?”

 

 

_“Judging from the current state of a certain quantity of the human race; it’s possible for someone to prank like this. I’m not saying you’re pranking me, it’s just possible.”_

 

 

“You sound like a damn humanoid encyclopedia. Well, either you’re right or you simply have no faith in humanity.”

 

 

_“Who knows? Well the ones who prank with the hey-I’m gonna-die-so-help-me thing are usually done by brats because that joke ain’t funny. This came from a personal experience.”_

 

 

“True, though. But seriously, I’m being real.”

 

_“I know.”_

 

“How so?”

 

_“Your voice isn’t lying.”_

 

“Oh? Enlighten me, please.”

 

_“To be frank, there’s nothing to be enlighten about. It’s simply a hunch.”_

 

“Oh, okay.”

 

 _“So? Why don’t_ you _enlighten me? What’s your problem to the point you wanna die?”_

 

“Huh?”

 

_“What?”_

 

“N-no, why?”

 

_“I’m accepting your favor. I almost called you a dumbass, y’know?”_

 

“Seriously?”

 

 _“Yes, I’m accepting your favor. I_ want _to help you.”_

 

“...Help as in?”

 

_“I want to help you to escape from whatever ‘hellhole’ you’re in.”_

 

“A hellhole?”

 

_“There must be a reason of you wanting to commit suicide. And my current task is to help you survive.”_

 

“Survive? Survive from my 31 days?”

 

_“Of course.”_

 

“But I _want_ to die.”

 

_“Suicide isn’t worth it. I’m your personal suicide helpline, so it’s my task to help you.”_

“.....”

 

“Talk to you later, I guess. Thanks for being my personal suicide helpline, Mr. Stranger.”

 

_“Wha—“_

 

_[xxx-xxx-xxx has ended the call.]_


	2. Day 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hi, Joker."
> 
> "Hi. Wait, did you just call me Joker?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention but this this fic will contain some disturbing shit like abuse and such. If you're not comfortable, then please do stop reading this fic (it won't be graphic but still).

**[Day 2]**

Lost

_Joker_

“Hi, Joker.”

 

_“Hi.”_

 

_“Wait, did you just call me Joker?”_

 

“I did. Why?”

 

_“I should be asking you that.”_

 

“Well I just think that Joker may be fitting for you.”

 

_“But I’m not a villain.”_

 

“I know. If you are, you wouldn’t even accept my offer without thinking twice.”

 

_“But you left me with no choice saying if I fail or not you would still kill yourself.”_

 

“At least you accepted.”

 

_“Okay, whatever you say. Anyways, what’s up with the nickname? Is that for me?”_

 

“Yup. I’ll be calling you Joker since I don’t know your name and since I’m not asking, might as well I give you something I can call.”

 

_“Well Joker sounds villainous. But what if I’m heroic?”_

“Then I’ll most likely call you Aether.”

 

_“Are you seriously naming me after primordial Greek deities?”_

 

“Joker is fine with me, though.”

 

_“I’m not villainous, but I’m also not heroic either. So I’m still Joker?”_

 

“Yeah. Something about that name reminds me of you.”

 

_“Ooo....kaaaayy...”_

 

_“On one condition; I get to call you Lost.”_

 

“And why is that?”

 

_“There are two reasons.”_

”Oh? What are the reasons?”

 

_“First reason, I just read a poem about being trapped inside your own darkness.”_

“Damn, what the fuck. So you’re saying I’m stuck in a lightless place?”

 

 _“_ Yes _.”_

“Wow, nice reason. I thought it’s because you watched a film or something.”

 

_“I’m not quite the type who would watch films or movies, so no.”_

“Why?”

 

_“Cause I’m broke and I’m noise sensitive.”_

“How come my petty ass can relate?”

 

_“Because you are.”_

_“Now would you please shut up to hear my oh so deep reasons? That poem I just told you is actually pretty deep, though.”_

“Okay, sorry. What was the last reason?”

 

_“You’re lost inside a maze that you cannot escape. You need someone to help you, to help you get out from this maze in your head and heart.”_

“....”

 

“Fuck, that’s deep. I took a liking to you.”

 

_“Why, thank you, Lost. What an honor.”_

“Heh, whatever you say.”

 

“By the way, do you have classes now?”

 

_“My class starts in 11 am. I have time to chat.”_

 

“Oh yeah? Me too.”

 

_“I thought you’re a drop-out.”_

 

“Dude.”

 

_“Yes?”_

 

“Look, what makes you think I’m a drop-out?”

 

_“I don’t know. Just a hunch.”_

 

 

“Bruh, I’m not a drop-out.”

 

_“But emo?”_

 

“I’m not emo! Okay, I _was_ an emo but I’m sure everybody went through an emo phase!”

 

_“Are you sure? For certainty, I’m sure as hell I wasn’t emo even until now.”_

 

“Did you just laugh at me??”

 

_“S-sorry, sorry!”_

 

_“Well, I’m actually safe because I’ve always had the sweet image in front of everybody, haha.”_

 

“Let me guess; you’re a flower boy.”

 

_“I won’t say yes myself, but I’m a flower boy. Nobody shall know the true me........”_

 

“If you put it that way it’s like you’re a killer which suits Joker.”

 

_“What if I am a killer?”_

 

“Then I’ll pay you 70,000,000 won for you to kill me.”

 

_“That’s an awful lot of money It’s kinda tempting to be honest but no, I’m not a killer so no thank you.”_

_“You rich?”_

 

“I’m poor. My dad ain’t got the time to bust his ass for money.”

 

_“Depression? Alcohol? Laziness?”_

 

“All three of them.”

 

“How come you’re right?”

 

_“Just... usually like that. I don’t mean to sound judgmental but think about it. No father should be lazy to bust their asses for money unless there are potential problems.”_

_“If you don’t wanna tell me anything, then I can’t help much.”_

 

“What major are you?”

 

_“Literature.”_

 

“You sure not psychology?”

 

_“Sure as hell.”_

 

_“I guess I’ve read too many dark stories then.”_

 

“Oh? Elaborate, please.”

 

 

_“I like something... meaningless, in a way. You know the original story of Little Mermaid? Something like that.”_

 

“Which is an unrequited love of the Little Mermaid who basically sacrificed everything for the prince, right? But he didn’t feel the same way, let alone know that the Little Mermaid _is_ born not human.”

 

_“Yeah! Dark stories usually have deep meanings. And to find that you have to use your brains in order to find the hidden charm.”_

_“Get it?”_

“I’m also a literature student so I understand. Though I thought you’re not the type who would read dark and depressing stores like that?”

 

_“Hehe.”_

_“I like to read stories that are dark in my tastes because I just_

_love it. Also the feeling of heartbreak and sadness afterwards is also a must.”_

_“I may sound like a masochist, but trust me, I’m not.”_

 

“But toxic?”

 

_“Meh, who knows?”_

_“Even though I like something dark, I absolutely despise something like Sleeping Beauty.”_

 

“That ain’t dark, but toxic and fucked up as well.”

 

_“I’ll take that as a pun.”_

 

“A dark pun, that is.”

 

_“Which suddenly reminds me, what university are you in?”_

“How did you even get reminded? Well, I’m in SMT University.”

 

_“...Isn’t that like, expensive?”_

 

“...Yeah, why?”

 

_“If your father doesn’t even bother to bust his ass for money, how did you get in there?”_

“....”

 

_“Lost?”_

“Drugs. I sell hardcore drugs.”

 

_“Oh, yeah?”_

“My mother was a pharmacist so... I know a thing or two about drugs.”

 

_“......”_

“Joker? You there?”

 

_“Y-yeah, I’m here. Just... Spacing out a bit.”_

_“So... you make drugs for college fees and your father_

_doesn’t give two fucks about you, which basically means you need to rely on yourself, right?”_

“Of course.”

 

“My father is definitely _out_ of the question. If you’re wondering if that’s the only thing I do for a damn living, I’m a bartender and a driver. I get enough money combined with drug selling.”

 

“So I’m okay for now.”

 

_“Do you have a planning to stop?”_

 

“When I die.”

 

_“That escalated pretty quickly.”_

 

“ _Touché._ But hey, I like to work, it’s not much of a problem.”

 

_“Do you still live with your father?”_

“Yeah. Though I usually come home late at night or crashing on a friend’s place for a day or two.”

 

_“So you don’t need to meet that father of yours?”_

“Yup. I can’t stand sticking with him for a whole damn day. I’ll go crazy if I do.”

 

“And to be completely honest, I hate alcohol.”

 

_“And you don’t have much of a choice because a bartender’s payment is actually decent, right?”_

“Mmm-hmm. If there’s a job with a bigger payment, I’ll quit being a damn bartender.”

 

_“Sorry, I don’t know much about Busan so... I can’t really help about jobs there.”_

“Thanks for your concern, Joker. By the way, your accent sounds a bit fishy.”

 

_“Ah, it sounds weird, huh?”_

“No no no! I find your accent interesting and unique, that’s all.”

 

_“Thanks, I guess? I’m from America but I’m full Korean.”_

 

“Is that so? Did you move here because of family business?”

_“You could say that. It’s been a few years but I know_ _nothing more than Seoul and Busan. Like, seriously.”_

“EHHHMMMMM, I think I’ll help out next time if we meet each other.”

 

_“I’m looking forward, Lost. By the way, what’ll you do next?”_

_“College activities, I mean.”_

“Well, I’ll be interviewing a famous novelist. I’m the scriptwriter and it’s hell.”

  
“Wish me luck, Joker.”

 

_“Yup, I’ll wish you luck.”_

 

“What about you?”

 

_“Just studying. After studying I’ll be going to my friend’s studio.”_

 

“Huh? You have music classes?”

 

_“No. I’m in a band, and it’s just for fun, really.”_

“A masochistic dark stories lover, my personal suicide helpline, a messed up literature boy and a music enthusiast. What a full package.”

 

“Hehe.”

 

“Anyways, gotta go. Class is about to start, so I’ll talk to you later, kay?”

 

“Yup. Talk to you later.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


	3. Day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Once it's gone... It's really gone."
> 
> "...But you--"
> 
> "I know. I accepted, and I won't back off. It's just that... Now I realized how risky it is."

**[Day 3]**

Lost

_Joker_

 

 

“Joker, you there?”

 

_“Of course I’m here, Lost.  What’s up?”_

“I just wanna chit-chat. How are you?”

 

_“I’m good. By the way, how’s the interview from yesterday?”_

 

“It’s shit. A teammate of mine fucked everything up and I’m pissed as hell.”

 

_“How so?”_

“Here’s the story; we were supposed to meet up at 12 o’clock but this dude didn’t bring the necessary  supplies and we had to cancel the interview and the deadline is fucking a week later.”

 

_“Wow, what a responsible teammate~!_

 

_“Give ‘em a Grammy, Lost.”_

“HAHAHAHA thanks a lot, Joker. That kid fucked everything up.”

 

_“Is he still alive?”_

“Still alive. We roasted him in a polite way, so it’s a-okay.”

 

“What about your little band?”

 

_“Oh, you remembered. We’re done recording a song, and since I like ballad, I actually like this song.”_

“Cool, I better listen to it.”

 

_“...But hey, what are you doing now?”_

“I’m at the rooftop of my campus with some friends—“

 

“Joker?”

 

“Are you... anxious?”

 

_“When I heard you’re at a rooftop, I thought you were gonna...”_

“What?”

 

_"You know it yourself."_

 

"Eat lunch with friends."

 

_"Don't give me that kinda shit, Lost you know exactly what I mean."_

 

"Then what?"

 

 

_“I thought you were gonna jump, idiot.”_

“...”

 

_“Right. You better be fucking speechless, Lost.”_

_“When you called me again, I realized completely that yesterday and the day before weren’t a dream.”_

_“And guess what? I’m so fucking_ scared _and_ worried _about you.”_

“You... Care whether I live or not?”

 

_“Not you in particular, but I can’t help but feel scared when I’m aware that someone I know will kill their selves.”_

_“It’s scary and I don’t know what to do, and you’re telling me to try and make your 31 days worth living?”_

_“Once you’ve took your own life, there’s no restart or turning back.”_

_“Once it’s gone... It’s really gone.”_

“...But you—“

 

_“I know. I accepted, and I won’t back off. It’s just that... Now I realized how risky it is.”_

_“I want to blame you for putting myself into this situation, but then again, I was the one who accepted. I was pretty stupid, signing up for something dangerous for both of us without thinking much beforehand.”_

_“Isn’t this why we’re using nicknames, to simply help each other without actually having to know each other?”_

“...Mmm-hmm.”

 

“That’s right. We’ve come up with nicknames, so we won’t really need to know about each other like that. Simply refer someone with a nickname, it’ll feel like its fine.”

 

_“But it’s not.”_

_“It’s not fine, Lost. It’s like sugarcoating, and I hate sugarcoat.”_

“Then what do you _want_ , Joker?”

 

_“That is, I don’t know. I just_ have _to do this, but if I think of it, it’s a hard and scary task.”_

“...I won’t die, Joker. I won’t.”

 

_“Yet.”_

“Yes. _Yet._ I stick to my words, Joker. If I say I’ll die in a months’ time, I’ll do so. But we still have 28 days left, you can ease up.”

 

_“_ Ease up, _you said.”_

“Heh. I like you already, Joker. You managed to make me smile genuinely ever since I don’t know when.”

 

_“Why, thank you.”_

_“Glad I’m able to make you smile, even though I don’t know why. By the way, I’ll be having a quiz in half an hour, just telling you.”_

“What kind of quiz?”

 

_“It’s related to Shakespeare. I don’t know much besides Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet, though.”_

 

“Alright, maybe this’ll be helpful for you.”

 

_“What will?”_

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”

 

_“Whoah, isn’t that one of the quotes of Romeo and Juliet?”_

“Yup. A friend of mine loves Shakespeare, so I just know.”

 

_“I don’t know if that’ll help me, but thank you anyways.”_

_“And Lost?”_

“...Yeah?”

 

_“Wish me luck, okay? Don’t die.”_

 

"..."

“I heard you, Joker. Good luck. You’re gonna hang up this time?”

 

_“Of course! Bye, Lost.”_

“Bye.”

 

[JOKER has ended the call]

 

"...He's actually quite an airhead, huh?"

 

 

 


	4. Day 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Then why did I receive 4 missed calls from you? Lost, I know something happened, okay?"
> 
> "Y-yeah, I'm okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola

**31 Days**

**-Missed Calls-**

_[1 missed calls from Lost]_

_19.24_

_[1 missed calls from Lost]_

_19.25_

_[1 missed calls from Lost]_

_19.25_

_[1 missed call from Lost]_

_19.26_

 

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 4]**

Lost

_Joker_

_“Lost? You there?”_

_“Did something happen?”_

“Y-yeah, I’m okay.”

 

 

_“Then why did I receive 4 missed calls from you? Lost, I know something happened, okay?”_

 

“I... J-just, family matters. My dad.”

 

_“...”_

_“Do you... want to talk about it?”_

 

“Yes, please.”

 

 

_“Whenever you’re ready, Lost.”_

 

“...I... I don’t know where to start.”

 

_“It’s okay. I’m not pushing you.”_

“Mm-hmm.”

 

“Well... You know that my dad is an alcoholic?”

 

_“Yeah.”_

“So... He’s not abusive. He gets drunk often—scratch that, _always._ He just... gets violent when drunk, but not to the point he’ll hurt people.”

 

 

_“Mm-hmm.”_

 

“He just, tells me to buy him a bottle or two of soju, but that should be about it.”

 

 

_“Should?”_

“But an hour earlier, he suddenly lashed out at me when I barely did anything.”

 

“He suddenly called me ‘filthy’, ‘piece of garbage’ and other stuff. I... didn’t have the choice but to listen. After cursing at me for God knows how many times, he suddenly hit my arm with a damn bottle. And it hurts, actually.”

 

 

_“...Go on.”_

“Then I rushed back to my room, and locked the door. That’s why I called you.”

 

_“Because you’re scared?”_

 

“...Yeah.”

 

“Truth to be told, I rather have someone lecturing me than yelling at me.”

 

_“I understand. I don’t like to be yelled either.”_

_“If I made a mistake, I’m afraid of what might happen next.”_

“Oh my fuck, finally someone understands me.”

 

_“Yeah.”_

_“Especially when... they call you names, or when they yell at you for no reasons.”_

_“I just... hate being yelled at in general.”_

“To others, maybe it sounds childish.”

 

_“But it's actually not. To educate someone, you don't just yell at them.”_

_“Nothing good comes from being yelled at. Some adults just... often do that with an excuse of ‘teaching’ us, when they actually did the opposite.”_

_“It makes you hate yourself too, right?”_

“Yeah.”

 

“All what you said, I agree. There are many other ways to teach children, yet...”

 

_“I know. And if we tell, some parents be like; ‘you gotta grow up.”_

_“I mean, how are we gonna learn if we're already pissed? Yeah, we should be open-minded and accept what parents say—hopefully some good stuff, but that doesn't mean they can just lash out at their kids just because they feel superior or because of the 'i'm your parent' bullshit. That's not how 'educating' works.”_

 

“...Damn, I agree. So agree. Also, it lowers our self-esteem.”

 

_“That’s right.”_

_“And not to mention, getting hit.”_

“Fuck, I hate that.”

 

_“Me too. Being yelled at, getting hit, cursed by your own parents seems... Too far, y’know?”_

_“I’d rather get a long, slow lecture but stings rather than a harsh, brutal one.”_

“Mm-hmm.”

 

“But now my father is like this, I don’t know what to do.”

 

  _"I... I know someone who is an alcoholic. They also cursed at me, just like you but I could say—worse. But once they sobered up, they basically came back to their senses. They apologized to me, so I hope your dad will quit the bottles soon enough and realize his own mistakes._

 

_“But for now, I’d say... You should go somewhere. Away from home.”_

_“It’s suffocating there, right?”_

“...Should I? I...”

 

_“Tough, huh? Up to you, Lost. I can’t come and meet up with you, since we live in two different cities.”_

“...I wish we could meet, though.”

 

_“We will, eventually.”_

_“I’m sure of it.”_

“How come are you so sure?”

 

_“Because I say so?”_

“You sound unsure."

 

_"Well, I can't guarantee stuff, but let's just say that some people are supposed to meet."_

 

 

“Heh, I guess so.”

 

“...But if I were to get out of this suffocating madness, where should I go?”

 

 

_“Go to a cafe, do your project or write some random drabbles. That might ease your heart and head, at least a bit.”_

_“Better than nothing, right?”_

 

“Hmm... I think I should.”

 

“Thanks, Joker.”

 

“Seriously, thank you so much.”

 

_“No problem, Lost.”_

_“If you still need someone to talk to, I’ll be listening, okay?”_

“Sure, sure. Thanks, Joker. Talk to you later?”

 

_“Yup, talk to you later.”_

 

"Oh, Joker?"

 

_"Hm?"_

 

"Can I... Can I ask who is this alcoholic person you told me?"

 

_"What makes you wanna know?"_

 

"Just..."

 

 

_"It's okay."_

 

 

"Really? Uh, w-who is it?"

 

_"My dad who died a few years ago."_

 

 


	5. Day 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lost, I know you're strong."
> 
> "No, N-no, I'm not. I'm far from 'strong', Joker."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joshua dressing up as Joker from suicide squad for Halloween really made me choke on my tea

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 5]**

Lost

_Joker_

**_ King (Mingyu) _ **

“Hi.”

 

_“Hi.”_

_“Where are you now?”_

“I’m at my friend’s place.”

 

“Just until tomorrow, though.”

 

_“Oh yeah? A close friend of yours?”_

“Yup. Let’s refer to him as King, okay? He’s basically a very close friend of mine since the first semester of campus.”

 

_“So he knows about your problems?”_

“No.”

 

“He doesn’t know a thing.”

 

“The only one who knows is you, after all.”

 

_“Oh.”_

_“Are you sure you’re calling me now, though? What about King?”_

“Chill. He’s working right now.”

 

_“Oh, okay.”_

“...”

 

_“...”_

“...”

 

 

_“Lost, I know you wanna ask me something.”_

“...Uhm.”

 

_“Are you gonna ask about my dad?”_

“...Mm-hmm.”

 

_“Lost, my dad was a douche.”_

“If only the atmosphere is lighter, I’d snort.”

 

_“Same.”_

_“Anyways, I moved to Korea when I was 15 because something happened in L.A, and... My dad became abusive. Physically.”_

_“Y’know, beating me to a pulp because of some small mistakes, curse at me and making me realize I’m pretty much trash and such. I don’t even wanna describe.”_

_“He even punched me once because I fucking cried_.”

 

“Holy... Shit.”

 

_“Yeah, holy shit. When I was 16, I ran away from home and now I’m living a very peaceful life with my step parents.”_

_“But after two years of living with my step parents, I decided to see how my dad is doing because I had a bad feeling about it. But... when I opened the unlocked door, I met his corpse curled on the floor near the living room. I... I noticed his bloody wrist.”_

_“As much as a douche he was, I felt extremely bad for him. He had a suicide note, saying that he’s sorry to me and I... I accepted his apology. H-he's still my dad, after all.”_

“Joker...”

 

_“It’s undeniable that he was a douche, and I would love to blame it on the alcohol and... what actually happened._

“...”

 

_“Lost? Won’t you reconsider?”_

_“Won’t you reconsider about... Y’know, your suicide after this whole December ends?”_

“I...”

 

 

_“Lost, I know you’re strong.”_

“No. N-no, I’m not. I’m far from ‘strong’, Joker.”

 

 

_“You’re strong, Lost. If you’re not strong, you wouldn’t even wait for a month.”_

_“Scratch that, if you weren’t strong you wouldn’t have called me in the first place.”_

_“I haven’t met you personally, heck I don’t even know your face, but I can tell that you’re a good person.”_

“I-I can’t, Joker. I’m not strong at all. I’m not a good person either because I’m just—I’m too far from that.”

 

_“Lost, just think about it for a second.”_

“...It?”

 

_“Think about the people you know. Think about your friends who would miss your presence in their lives. Think about how you’ll affect their lives. How they’ll blame themselves. How they count on you for anything. How they’ll even put the blame on others because they couldn’t bare their own pain of losing you.”_

_“Think about everything, Lost. What lies after suicide isn’t peace, but regret. You’ll only damage the people in your life, the people that you love.”_

“...This isn’t about me anymore, huh?”

 

_“Yeah. I... I regret not visiting my dad sooner. Even when my step parents confronted my dad, he was willing to ‘give’ me to someone else. I... I felt worse. He had a sad and guilty look in his eyes, and his suicide note says that he wanted me to be free and apologized for so many times.”_

_“I had mixed feelings. Part of me was happy, but another part of me was sad. Very, very much.”_

_“Lost, you can’t ignore the fact that you’re a shield to other people. You can't ignore that you were the umbrella of people's rainy days. Whether you realized it or not.”_

 

“...”

 

_“Please, please reconsider your decision. It’s never too late, okay?”_

“Uh-huh. Uh, talk to you later?”

 

_“...”_

_“Yeah, I’ll talk to you later.”_

_[Joker has ended the call]_

 

“...”

 

**_ “Won, I’m back—holy shit, why are you crying?” _ **

**__ **

“Oh, it’s nothing. I was reading something on Wattpad it brought sweat to my eyes.”

 

**_ “Oh. I was fucking surprised, man.” _ **

**__ **

**_ “Also... Were you really on Wattpad?” _ **

**__ **

“...Yeah, why?”

 

**_ “I thought you were talking with someone.” _ **

**__ **

“You sure? For certainty I wasn’t talking with anybody.”

 

**_ “Oh, must  be my imagination then.” _ **

**__ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the whole drama wasn't suppose to happen so soon-


	6. Wonwoo's Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All because he wasn't brave to say 'no'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hola

**31 Days**

**[Wonwoo’s name]**

**__ **

 

  

Wonwoo doesn’t like his name.

 

Wonwoo means ‘to live by helping out with a rounded heart’.

 

He once liked the meaning of his name.

 

Back in the past, he had a pure soul as a kid.

 

An angel with white feather-wings and a shining golden halo on top of his head.

 

A person with a kind heart.

 

A person with a bright smile.

 

A person who would never say ‘no’.

 

Wanting to live up to his name, he began to help others.

 

Guiding an old woman or and old man across the street,

 

Feeding stray kittens,

 

Inserting several won to charity or donation boxes, and such.

 

He also helps his classmates with their home works.

 

Which resulted in him being used by other students during elementary.

 

It was rather inconvenient.

 

He had to do his classmates’ home works.

 

He had to do the majority of his group assignments.

 

Because he couldn't say 'no'.

 

He had to sleep late at night in doing so.

 

Because he couldn't say 'no'.

 

His grades dropped because of that.

 

His classmates don’t even repay him with kindness or repay him with what he deserves.

 

His mom never questioned. She just yelled at him, telling him to study more.

 

He was still a kid back then, of course he didn’t understand if nobody told him.

 

But he slowly understood his situation. He was being manipulated, used for other people’s good without thinking about Wonwoo’s feelings.

 

All because he wasn’t brave to say ‘no’.

 

So when he realized the truth of his situation, he said ‘no’ to his classmates.

 

It caused him to be bullied instead.

 

Knowing there’s no exit to that pointless hellhole, he endured instead.

 

He kept it a secret from his parents, knowing the situation would become much more worse.

 

He ignored those bullies, not allowing himself to seem weak.

 

After graduating from elementary, he cuts the damned strings tied around his limbs that allowed people to control him like a marionette.

 

He replaced his white feather-wings with a metallic armor around his body.

 

He lets the golden halo fall to crumble into pieces, letting it become nothing more than worthless dirt.

 

He replaced his kind eyes with strong ones.

He made his warm smile into something he rarely shows.

He doesn’t let people bully him in middle school.

 

He won’t sacrifice his armor just to show his weakness.

 

He would never.

 

So he decided to not live up to his own name.

 

He only helps people when he really needs to and if it’s a win-win situation.

 

He learned the hard way that he shouldn't just help  _anybody_ because not all people are worth to help.

 

Why should he help other people if they won't give Wonwoo anything in return?

 

Yes, he became a strong individual,

 

But when he's a second year student during middle school,

 

His armor crumbled into pieces, just like his halo that he once wore on top of his head.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a writer's block and I can't come up with another conversation at the moment so-
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading this!
> 
> Next chapter will be a phone call I promise
> 
> (Also, chapter 5 got re-uploaded for some reason so I had to delete it so sorry)
> 
> edit: I replaced Jeonghan with Jihoon for some reason I am so sORRY because of my forgetful ass I even forgot about the roles but Jeonghan will make a cameo later on. Jihoon will appear later on, and Soonyoung? You'll see ;)))


	7. Day 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He doesn't sound too good. Anyways, I'll help out."
> 
> "Thank you so much, Lost. Now could you, perhaps, pretty please hurry up because his breathing is pretty rapid?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola, i'm back with a new chapter

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 6]**

Lost

_Joker_

**_Star Boy (Soonyoung)_ **

****

****

_“Lost, I need your help.”_

“Oh, look who’s calling me for a change. I mean, I won’t deny that I’m handsome but—“

 

_“Shut your narcissistic ass,_ love.”

 

**_“Hyung, who in the actual hell are you even calling? You’re not calling Jihoonie, right?”_ **

****

 

_“Jihoon doesn’t have a deep voice, Soon.”_

“Am I interrupting?”

 

_“No, which is why we need your damn help!”_

“Okay, tell me what happened. This guy seems to be in pain judging from his voice.”

 

_“So damn observant.”_

_“He was... He was beaten up.”_

**_“...”_ **

****

“Shit. Can he stand?”

 

_“No, he can’t. His leg is broken.”_

**_“Ow—!!“_ **

****

“Fuck, uh, you there, are there any more injuries?”

 

**_“Just some bruises and cuts, but my leg hurts like hell.”_ **

****

“Okay, is your leg broken?”

 

_“No, his leg isn’t broken. His leg is fine and dandy, don’t you think? Cause, y’know, WHY THE FUCK NOT?!”_

 

”That was stupid of me. Do you always use sarcasm when there’s someone screeching in pain?”

 

_“It’s my only defense for now.”_

**_“Ow ow ow ow ow...!”_ **

****

“He doesn’t sound too good.”

 

“Anyways, I’ll help out.”

 

_“Thank you so much, Lost. Now could you, perhaps, pretty please hurry up because his breathing is pretty rapid?”_

“Yeah, I’ll do my best.”

 

“First, don’t you dare to re-locate the bones back to normal if you don’t know shit about first-aid and Biology.”

 

_“Ooookaaaay, but what should I do then?”_

“Apply ice with a clean piece of clothing if you don’t have a towel.”

 

**_“Shit, that’ll sting.”_ **

****

“Sorry, buddy but it’s better to sting than having to bear more pain. After all, the ice can relieve the swelling and pain.”

 

**_“Okay—hyung, why are you using ice cream?”_ **

****

“...Ice cream?”

 

_“Well, I don’t have any ice packs with me; four bags of ice creams are all I have at the moment.”_

 

“Why would you even buy ice cream in December, specifically snowing?”

 

_“Well, even if it’s winter I still need my ice creams, I-I just needed to eat them in general but because of this unfortunate coincidence my ice creams may became much more useful—“_

**_“Hyung, calm down.”_ **

****

“Joker, calm down.”

 

“Are those still cold?”

_“Yes—uh, I don’t know—“_

**_“Yeah, these are cold—argh, shit.”_ **

****

“For the time being, that’s the best shot. You should apply ice while clothed in a towel or a piece of clothing onto the wound. But in your case because you only have some ice cream packs, I would place all four of those ice cream packs onto the wound at once and apply pressure. Also, don’t apply the ice cream packs directly to the skin. Cover it with a piece of clothing first.”

 

_“O-okay.”_

_“Can I use my handkerchief to cover his wound?”_

“That’s fine, I think.”

 

_"But the handkerchief would block the cold, right? I mean, these aren't cold enough to do so with the handkerchief, if you get what_ _I'm saying."_

 

"Hmm, you're right. Do it without the handkerchief."

 

**_“Fuck, he’s done it.”_ **

****

_“Uh, I should just apply the ice cream packs, right?”_

“Yeah.”

**_“Oh shit, I’m freaking out—“_ **

****

“It’s alright to shout, you know?”

 

_“Actually, I think it’s because of the pain he can’t even speak a word.”_

“Yeah, I agree. Has any one of you called the ambulance?”

 

**_“But—“_ **

****

“Buddy, you have a broken leg and apparently your ‘hyung’ who I personally call as Joker isn’t an expert in medical stuff, so the hospital is the best shot.”

 

“I mean, he even used some _ice cream packs.”_

_“THE ICE CREAMS AREN’T SO COLD ANYMORE.”_

“Shit, you don’t have anything else?”

 

_“N-no. Wait, is it okay if I use the snow nearby? Y’know, wrap it with my coat and apply more fucking pressure to it—“_

“Uh... I... Fuck it, just do it. That was actually pretty clever.”

 

**_“I would’ve laughed if it doesn’t hurt so badly.”_ **

****

“Well, I would too.”

 

“Where are you guys? It’s freaking 11 pm.”

 

_“Uh, I—we, ah, no, I mean—“_

“Deep breaths, Joker.”

 

_“Y-yeah. Uh, he suddenly called me at this hour so I just... I just went here. We’re in a park a bit far from his and my house.”_

“...I see. Broken-leg buddy, I’d like you to call the ambulance.”

 

**_“But, I...”_ **

****

_“Please, Hoshi, it’ll be worse.”_

“Yeah. Star Boy better go to the hospital. Safety first, money can wait, college can also fuck off.”

 

**_"..."_ **

 

_“He nodded.”_

“...Damn, I almost lost my shit.”

 

“Lost, thank you so damn much.”

 

“No problem. Can I leave things to you both now?”

 

_“Of course, leave it to me.”_

“Star Boy, take care.”

 

**_“Yeah, th-thanks a lot, hyung’s friend.”_ **

****

“Mm-hmm. You sure I can hang up now?”

 

_“Yeah.”_

“Okay. Just a reminder, but keep applying ice until the ambulance come, okay?”

 

_“You mean snow?”_

“...”

 

“Yeah, snow. Good luck, and take care, okay? I’m talking to you both.”

 

_“Yeah, thanks a bunch. I... I don’t even know if I can thank you enough.”_

“Thank me after he’s in the hospital, Joker.”

 

_“Mm-hmm. Bye, Lost.”_

“Bye.”

 

_[Lost has ended the call]_

**_“Hyung?”_ **

****

_“Hm?”_

**_“Who... Who was that?”_ **

****

_“He’s... My friend.”_

**_“Oh yeah?”_ **

****

**_“How did you guys met?”_ **

****

_“Well, I guess we’re something like internet friends? We only talk through phone calls.”_

**_“Oh, I see.”_ **

****

_“Why?”_

**_“Y’know, just curious. Also, I’ve called the ambulance already.”_ **

****

_“That’s good, Hosh.”_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you so much for reading!


	8. Day 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who is this, why do you have his phone? You kidnapped him, right?!”
> 
> “Hey—“

**[Day 7]**

Lost

**_Star Boy_ **

****

****

**_“Thanks a lot, Lost.”_ **

****

“Uh???”

 

“Who is this, why do you have his phone? You kidnapped him, right?!”

 

**_“Hey—“_ **

****

“JOKER, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ARE YOU THERE?! I’M GONNA DRAG MY ASS TO SEOUL IF NECESSARY—“

 

**_“DUDE, SHUT UP. Are you trying to make my ears bleed while shouting at you in a damn hospital room?!”_ **

****

“...”

 

“Uh, sorry, who is this?”

 

**_“I’m hyung’s cousin whom you seem to call ‘Joker’ for some, possibly, absurd reasons. Oh, and you two use nicknames for each other, it seems.”_ **

****

“...Cousin?”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

**_“What’s what?”_ **

****

“So... You two are cousins, and you’re the guy from yesterday?”

 

**_“The very same.”_ **

****

“No wonder you have his phone now.”

 

“So... You’re alive, right?”

 

**_“I’m phone-calling you now, yes, I must be dead. So no, I’m not alive. I just got back from the grave over a broken leg and some punches and kicks. Gosh, how stupid am I to think that I’m still breathing.”_ **

****

**_“Cause, you know, why shouldn’t I haunt you?”_ **

****

“I can see the resemblance between you and Joker, it seems.”

 

**_“Well yeah.”_ **

****

“Let me guess, you guys aren’t blood-related?”

 

**_“...”_ **

****

**_“So you already know?”_ **

****

“...More or less.”

 

**_“Well, since you already know, I can be quite honest. Hyung and I aren’t blood-related, but we’re family regardless.”_ **

****

“Ah, I see.”

 

**_“Though I can’t help but wonder; how? Hyung doesn’t just_ tell _any random people, especially an internet friend. I mean, how long did you guys know each other?”_**

****

**_“Knowing about his family circumstances is like an honor, especially for you. Heck, you guys haven’t met, right?”_ **

****

“Well... I suppose that’s true. We began calling each other since... December 1st.”

 

**_“So... You’ve guys just..._ Know _each other for like, a damn_ week?”**

“Pretty much.”

 

**_“Look, Lost—“_ **

****

“Oh, you’re calling me Lost too.”

 

**_“I don’t see why not. Anyways, like I was about to say, even though my ass is grateful because you literally helped a stranger aka me about my broken leg, and I still would love to thank you, but... Please, don’t break Joker’s trust.”_ **

****

“....”

 

**_“You there?”_ **

****

“Yeah, I’m here. Don’t worry, Star Boy. I won’t break his trust.”

 

**_“I highly appreciate it, Lost.”_ **

****

“Yup. Also, you both in the same college?”

 

**_“Yeah. We’re in Blue River University. For your information, I’m a dance major who currently has a broken leg and a damn upcoming project so fuck me. You?”_ **

****

“SMT University, literature major. I hope you get better soon, though. Did the doctors say anything about your leg?”

 

**_“I may be able to recover in... Probably a month or so.”_ **

****

“I don’t know if that’s a quick recovery or not, but I’ll wish you luck regardless.”

 

**_“Yeah, thank you, Lost.”_ **

****

**_“Once again, thank you so much.”_ **

****

**_“Oh, and are you wondering about Joker’s whereabouts?”_ **

****

“Well, I would be lying if I said I’m not.”

 

**_“Just say you miss him or want to call him, buddy. I’m sure he’s in campus now, calming down his grumpy friend about my broken leg.”_ **

****

“Calming his friend down as in?”

 

**_“To prevent his friend from literally searching for anyone who did this to me out of a mixture between rage and care. He’s short, but I swear he’s the most savage person I’ve ever met.”_ **

****

“What, this friend of yours and Joker’s would literally bring a baseball bat to beat some senses to anyone who broke your leg?”

****

**_“Yes. Except for the ‘baseball bat’ part. He would most likely beat some guys with a guitar or even drum sticks.”_ **

****

“To be honest, I would like to trick myself in saying that he’ll just beat the guys with some classy music but... It sounds unlikely, considering what Joker’s doing now.”

 

**_“Right? Both of us witnessed it with our eyes, Joker even mourned over_ the guitar _, not the guys.”_**

****

“Is he the type who would mourn over something that’s not human related or something that he doesn't bother to think about?”

 

**_“Pretty much. He mourned over a fallen candy once.”_ **

****

“Wow, how interesting.”

 

**_“Anyways, I’m sure he’s doing fine, since he’s known as the peacemaker in campus between fights or anyone’s tantrums. But then again, he would insult any breathing thing that made his patience ran out.”_ **

****

“Heh, typical Joker.”

 

“So—“

 

**_“Let me guess, give you a phone call? I think not, considering how much brain cells he lost and how exhausted he is because of the current situation he’s in. Especially when he has a cousin to worry about, which I personally hope that he's not worrying about me at all.”_ **

****

**_“Calming people down is a tricky thing to do, y’know?”_ **

****

“Well, I know the feel. I hope you two are doing fine though. Joker tends to get panic when his mind is too occupied. The ‘broken leg case’ is proof.”

 

**_“Exactly. Heck, he used ice cream packs and snow.”_ **

****

**_“I’ll hang up, okay? I just wanted to say thank you.”_ **

****

****

“You’re welcome, buddy. Get well soon, okay?”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading until this far!


	9. Day 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you believe in reincarnations?”
> 
> “...Good afternoon, what a way to start a damn conversation.”

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 8]**

Lost

_Joker_

 

 

“Do you believe in reincarnations?”

 

_“...Good afternoon, what a way to start a damn conversation.”_

“Do you believe in reincarnations?”

 

_“Repeating the same question twice doesn’t mean it’ll become more than an odd question, Lost.”_

“Just answer, Joker. I know your mind is too complicated to actually answer one simple question.”

 

_“But I don’t think you actually believe in reincarnation.”_

“I don’t. But you also don’t seem to be a person like that. Actually, I don’t really think you’re much of a saint or something.”

 

_“You’re not wrong about that saint thing, but I was a dedicated Christian, mind you.”_

“ _Was_ a dedicated Christian?”

 

 _“Yeah... Pretty much_ was. _Going to church every Sunday,read a Bible every night before sleep, or offer prayers every morning and noon... I don't really... do that much recently.”_

 

“Can I ask why?”

 

_“Well... You know what kind of shit happened to me, I just... Yeah. I haven’t been visiting church ever since I graduated high school. I just felt like I didn’t need to; it felt useless.”_

_“But I’m trying to gain at least half of my faith again, I’m technically still a Christian.”_

“So you haven’t been praying?”

 

_“Well, if prayers like ‘God, please give me at least a B+ for today’s quiz’ or something along the lines count, then I’ve been praying. Also, I've been reading the Bible.”_

“Then do you believe in the afterlife?”

 

_“I do. But...”_

“If the afterlife exists, why are we even alive now?”

 

_“...Yeah, I was about to question that.”_

_“In honesty, I’m afraid about the afterlife or... Dying, in general.”_

“...Was that directed at me?”

 

_“Yes, you.”_

“Joker, why are you so scared of me to die? Sometimes you... You sound odd, like you’re so desperate to save me.”

 

_“It’s because human life is too precious to throw away just like that. Didn’t I tell you already, once it’s gone, it’s really gone?”_

“But you don’t know me.”

 

_“I don’t, but I want to.”_

“Do you even know what I’ve been through?”

 

_“Say that again to me, I dare you.”_

“R-right, sorry. But don’t worry, Joker. We still have 23 days left.”

 

_“...”_

“You’ve done a great job with this helpline thing. Congratulations.”

 

_“Thank you, but I can’t help but feel like you’re gonna hang up on me.”_

“What makes you feel that?”

_“That sounds like what someone would say, just that. Y’know, for the ‘bye I’ll call you again’ thing.”_

“Smart, but I’m not gonna hang up now. You haven’t answered my question about reincarnations.”

 

_“...Right. I believe in the afterlife, but not reincarnations.”_

“I don’t believe in reincarnations too.”

 

_“Then why do you ask?”_

“It’ll be fun.”

 

_“You have a weird definition of fun.”_

“Says the one who reads dark stories for heartbreak; I can safely say that’s one of your definitions of fun.”

 

_“...I won’t deny.”_

“So, what do you want to be if you got reincarnated?”

 

_“I wanna be a koala.”_

“Why?”

 

_“I don’t know, koalas just seem so cuddly.”_

“You like to be hugged?”

 

_“No.”_

“So if you ever become a koala, you wanna hug somebody or anybody or... anything?”

 

_“Yeah. You?”_

“I wanna become a whale. Specifically, I wanna be a 52 Hertz whale.”

 

_“It’s been nicknamed as ‘the loneliest whale in the world’. It sings like no other, crying for other species to accompany it so its solitude would end. But despite such desperation, maybe the 52 Hertz whale’s existence is left unknown until now, in the abyss of blue...”_

_“Fuck, I blurted out some nonsense.”_

“That was honestly pretty interesting. Write that down, who knows it’ll be useful.”

 

_“Right, right. But... Why do you wanna be such a whale? Isn’t it lonely?”_

“That’s the point; it’s lonely. Nobody can disturb me. Nobody can hurt me with those vicious words. Nobody can deceive me with their fake empathy or love. I can be by myself. There’s no greater blessing than that.”

 

_“Lost, loneliness can kill you.”_

“I know. But I still want to. If loneliness can kill me, then so be it.”

 

_“If you’re gonna be like that, then how can a koala meet up with a 52 Hertz whale? They live in different environments, different worlds.”_

“Then I’ll have to form a 52 Hertz whale rebellion against the law of nature.”

 

_“Pfft, what a mood.”_

 

"I don't think there's a saying that sea creatures can't meet the animals on land."

 

_"Well, but that doesn't mean whales can suddenly roll around the streets or the forest just to meet up with a koala, or just any other animals in general."_

 

"Which is why I'll form a whale rebellion _—_ Joker, are you laughing?"

 

_"I can't help but imagine a rolling whale. I mean, in a way that's so dramatic!"_

 

_"Like, a whale going through a hard time, rolling down the streets just to meet a single koala is too dramatic I love it"_

 

"Doesn't it give you some military vibes? You know, post-war, or something? Like, meeting a family member?"

 

_"Indeed, that's my point. Or maybe I'm just too weird."_

 

"It's not weird. It's just that your imagination is too wild."

 

_"I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one."_

 

"Yeah, you're not."

 

“Oh, well, excuse me but I’ll be having a quiz in the next 30 minutes; I gotta do a review for a bit.”

 

_“Okay, good luck on that. Your turn to hang up now?”_

“Yup.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER-
> 
> *coughs* anyways, thank you for reading!


	10. Day 9

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 9]**

Lost

_Joker_

 

“We refer to my girlfriend as Queen.”

 

_“Oh yeah? Is she a good girlfriend?”_

“I thought you were gonna ask about her looks.”

 

_“What matters most is the person’s soul.”_

“Have you been reading some romance?”

 

_“I haven’t, but I’ve just finished ‘Kamen Rider Kiva’.”_

“Let me guess, you’re being nostalgic?”

 

_“More like gaining my childhood back.”_

“I think at this point we should get back to the first topic.”

 

_“Yeah, I think we should. I don’t wanna be emo or anything. Go on.”_

“So... I have a problem.”

 

_“And that is? She likes someone else?”_

“Huh? Oh, I—“

 

_“Oh, so she likes someone else? Well that’s gonna be tricky since you’re in that kind of relationship when your partner just became a ‘nah you can’t love me’ type of girl—“_

  
“Well that was spot-on, but that’s not the problem—“

 

_“She’s lesbian?”_

“No—“

 

_“So if she’s not lesbian then what is she?”_

 

“No, just listen to me for a sec.”

 

_“Okay, sorry.”_

“As I was about to say, there is one major problem.”

 

_“And that is?”_

“I’m in love with her.”

 

_“...Uh-huh. I... I think I know where this is heading to.”_

“But she doesn’t love me back.”

 

_“Oh.”_

“I’m in love with someone who keeps hurting me behind my back for I don’t know how many times, but I can’t bring myself to hate her.”

 

_“You’re whipped for her.”_

“Mmm... I wouldn't say that.”

 

_“Is this the ‘even-if-she-hurts-me-a-lot-of-times-her- presence-in-my-life-is-enough-for-me’ kind of love?”_

“Pretty much.”

 

_“Lost, I have to hear at least part of the story first then I can probably help you.”_

“Mm-hmm. So... She cheated on me.”

 

_“How many times?”_

“Thrice a month. Every month.”

 

_“I failed math so I won’t count that.”_

“So yeah, she cheated on me with several other guys. I mean, she’s a model, of course she’d find me as a plain guy who has nothing interesting about him—“

 

_“Lost, she should’ve felt lucky to be with someone as honest and good as you. I’m about to go to Busan so I can throw some words—“_

“Whoa, Joker, easy. Ehem, anyways, she was a sweet girl when I first met her. But after we dated she just... changed. I felt like I was dating a demon.”

 

_“Is she abusive?”_

“She prohibited me to hang out with my female friends, sometimes throwing words at me with no reasons, does that count?.”

 

_“Is she possessive?”_

“Yes.”

 

_“But oddly cheats on you?”_

“Yes.”

 

_“...”_

_“Wait, my brain cells—“_

“Considering the fact that Star Boy got hurt a few days earlier and possibly other stuff going on with your life, I’m sure as fuck your brain cells are pretty much dead.”

_“I have this friend named Jihoon and... He’s still not over the fact that my cousin got hurt. He’s like a damn hunter trying to catch his prey. I can’t even do shit about his rage now.”_

“Question; do you know the people or person who bullied Star Boy?”

 

_“...No.”_

“Okay then.”

 

_“Back to the main topic; your girlfriend.”_

“Right. So a few hours ago, she cheated on me again.”

 

_“If I can ask, what was she doing? Kissing a dude—“_

“More like fucking with a dude.”

 

_“...Ehm, okay. Go on.”_

“So... I was about to go to her apartment just to hang out but... She was in the middle of... Yeah.”

 

_“...Damn.”_

“But then I was kind of expecting her to cheat on me, I wasn’t so surprised but still.”

 

_“This may sound like a stupid question, but how did you feel every time she cheats on you?”_

“Disappointed.”

 

_“What about when she’s with you?”_

“Disappointed.”

 

_“Hm? With or without her you feel disappointed?”_

“Pretty much.”

 

_“How long have you been in a relationship?”_

“Uh... A year?”

 

_“A year of pure heartbreak and disappointment?”_

“Yeah.”

 

_“Wait... Okay, uh... You need to give yourself some space. Have you been hanging out with her?”_

“I have.”

 

_“Why?”_

“She’ll get angry.”

 

_“Okay... Can you tell her to, like, ‘I need some time by myself’?”_

“I can’t without having her shouting in my ears.”

 

_“...”_

_“Don’t you ever feel angry?”_

“I haven’t. Not even once. I was... I was just disappointed.”

 

_“You can cry, you know.”_

“...Not now.”

 

“Yeah, I have some things on my chest but I’m not in the mood to cry right now. I just... Want a solution.”

 

_“I’ll try and help.”_

“Thank you, Joker.”

 

“Have you ever had a girlfriend before?”

 

_“No.”_

“No offense, but how are you supposed to help me?”

 

_“I may or may not be reading this kind of thing from wikiHow, connect two and two together, use my own logic and putting myself in your shoes.” “_

_“Unlike those air headed, oblivious, naive, cringy but strangely common in some trashy shoujo romance or those—some—corny teen fictions in a supposedly cute and loveable personality.”_

“Shoujo? You read those?”

 

_“Some are worthy for my eyes and it’s cute.”_

_“Even I can suddenly experience some hyperventilating session. But my heart is with Webtoon.”_

“Uh, Joker, I don’t know about this.”

 

_“I won’t say that I understand your pain of being stuck in an unhealthy, poisonous relationship completely, but the best I can do for you now, is to be someone you can pour your heart to.”_

 

“...Thanks. Thanks a lot, really.”

 

 

 

 


	11. Day 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “...Thanks, Joker—hey, what are you doing?!”
> 
> “Shut up, Wonwoo. Who is this?!”
> 
> “Huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola, I'm back again

**31 Days**

**[Day 10]**

Lost

_Joker_

**Queen (???)**

“Joker.”

 

_“Yeah?”_

“Uh, do you... Do you know how to break up with someone?”

 

 _“Huh? Oh, I would say ‘let’s break up_ ’— _Wait, I think that’s not on your case.”_

“I guess you can say that.”

 

_“So you wanna break up?”_

“Well... I realized completely after reading some things from several websites, including wikiHow.”

 

_“Why wikiHow of all sites—“_

“Because you read some things from wikiHow yesterday.”

 

_“Pretty much.”_

“So back to the main topic, I realized that being with her would be getting me to nowhere.”

 

_“Uh-huh.”_

“She keeps hurting me and I... I just wanna go away from her. I don’t wanna see her again.”

 

_“Wow, you found your resolve.”_

“Seems like it. She never once apologized or genuinely told me that she loves me. She doesn’t even care for me in the slightest, so I just think, what’s the point?”

 

_“You have a hard time to say ‘no’, huh? Is that why you could only do as she says?”_

“...”

 

_“Me too, Lost. But not anymore.”_

“I wish I could be like you.”

 

_“Why?”_

“I don’t know, you just... You have a wonderful personality. I wish I could be like you.”

 

_“So I’m like an inspiration to you?”_

“Somewhere in between yes and no.”

 

_“Heh, what’s that supposed to mean? Trust me, you wouldn’t want to be like me.”_

“Why?”

 

_“That’s a story for another time. But I have to say, you also have a wonderful personality. I can say that you’re honest, a lot more honest than those two-faced people I always meet here and there.”_

_“If only your girlfriend wasn’t that much of an ass and see this honest side of yours, she’d be head over heels for you.”_

“...Thanks, Joker—hey, what are you doing?!”

 

**“Shut up, Wonwoo. Who is this?!”**

_“Huh?”_

“Seulgi, give me my phone!”

 

**“Shut the fuck up, Wonwoo! Who are you talking to?! You’re cheating on me, right?!”**

“I’m not!”

 

**“FUCK YOU, WONWOO! YOU’VE LOST THE RIGHT TO YOUR OWN PHONE EVER SINCE YOU CHEATED ON ME!”**

_"Um, should I... Hang up instead?"_

“What proof do you even have?!”

 

**“YOU WERE SAYING HOW YOU WANTED TO BE LIKE THIS SO-CALLED WONDERFUL PERSON, OF COURSE YOU’RE CHEATING!”**

_“This came from a girl who apparently cheats on her own boyfriend with any existing, breathing male that she could find.”_

“Joker—“

 

**“Excuse me? Who do you think you are?”**

_“Joker, miss Seulgi."_

**“Haha, very funny. How long have you been with my boyfriend?”**

_“Bold of you to assume that I’m dating that boyfriend of yours.”_

**“...”**

_“What’s the matter, darling? Are you perhaps, dehydrated? Is that why your head is out of place at the moment?”_

“See? I’m not—“

 

**“Shut up, Wonwoo. Hey you, do you even know who I am? You don’t have a sense of respect—“**

_“Kang Seulgi, 21 years old. Brunette. Insanely rich. Enrolls in SMT University, is titled as a Miss SMT because of her supposedly god-like visuals. A Theater and Performance major student. Owns at least 9 cars and 4 houses plus 13 villas, has a boyfriend who is 1 year younger than you whom I personally call as Lost Wonwoo. Is a model and a stage actor and has a small group of friends named Red Velvet for some reasons unknown. Mostly relies on branded clothes, expensive makeup and her wallet.”_

**“EXCUSE ME? That is the most inaccurate thing I’ve ever heard.”**

_“It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. What I said to you was straight from a forum filled with a bunch of SMT kids. Those usually-for-gossips-forums where you can pour your heart and soul without a care since nobody would find out, y’know?”_

_“I never thought these forums still exist, especially for college students though.”_

**“That doesn’t mean those are true—“**

_“Wow, you seem to be awfully close with a guy named Baekhyun.”_

_“At a night club, drinking together, dancing together, and doing some things together which I wouldn’t say in front of your boyfriend. But for some reasons I just gotta point out that apparently, miss Seulgi and said Baekhyun were... Sucking faces.”_

_“’Oh, look at her, hanging out with other dudes~’, ‘doesn’t she have a boyfriend already?’ ‘LMAO what a slut’, ‘I pity her current boyfriend LOL’, and some other comments and gossips.”_

**“I DO NOT CHEAT!”**

_“Why are you taking it from me, sweetheart? Go on and ask that boyfriend of yours who caught you in the act. A lot of times.”_

“Well...”

**“Don’t you ever insult me, you little piece of shit with no sense of pride and respect, if it weren’t for you—“**

_“Sorry, but we’re describing you, right?”_

“Definitely a Joker.”

 

**“Don’t you accuse me that I do some shady things behind Wonwoo’s back—“**

_“Says the one who actually accused me dating your boyfriend_  and _actually doing some shady stuff behind his back_.”

 

**“Wonwoo, say something.”**

“...Um, I... I saw you doing stuff with Baekhyun or some other guys, a lot of times actually—“

 

**“Shut up, no one asked.”**

“But you did—“

 

_“I didn’t remember signing up to be a ‘couple counselor’ so either shut up, solve this on your own, or let me teach you two air-heads some things about being in a relationship because you can't seem to appreciate your boyfriend more.”_

**“Fuck off, you don’t know anything.”**

_“I know more than you. Couples care for each other, and even if they argue they’re like some cute married couple who argues because of love and not like Korean War. Couples would say how much they’re happy with each other and appreciates their partner's presence in their life. Couples would trust each other and love each other like their lives depend on it.”_

“Joker—“

 

**“Love? That’s bullshit, geez no. You’re too naive to think that such things exist.”**

“...”

 

_“That’s the last thing; couples know what to say and not to say in order to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings.”_

**“You've wasted my time. You don’t know anything. I know.”**

_“No you don’t.”_

**“I _do.”_**

****

_“No you_ don’t.”

 

**“Oh yeah? How can you be so sure about that? I’m sure you’re still a virgin who never got laid before.”**

_“It doesn’t even take a virgin to know what kind of things would hurt their partner’s heart. Heck, even a 5 year old kid knows.”_

**“Hah, you _are_ a virgin. Pitiful little shit.”**

 

**"How could someone like _you_ have the guts to say those shit to  _me?"_**

 

**"Jerk, you seriously don't know shit about me and Wonwoo, so stay back and return to your meaningless life-"**

_“You know what, trying to ignore what a person is saying and purposely running from a topic makes your point even more valid.”_

**“You don’t know anything, you jerk!”**

_“The minute the word_ cheating _comes up in the list of 'how to be a good girlfriend', I suppose I’ll remind you.”_

**“I DON’T CHEAT, YOU FUCKER—“**

“He’s right.”

 

**“Huh?”**

**“Wonwoo you... You seem upset. Hah, no way. You don’t actually believe his bullshit, do you?”**

“He wasn’t speaking bullshit. I’ve seen you.”

 

_“...”_

**“Wonwoo, are you serious?! Don’t you realize how much I love you?!”**

“You said those words, Seulgi.”

 

**“W-what words?”**

“...”

 

“You don’t even care about me. That question with four letters of yours just now is enough to convince me that you don’t give a damn about me at all. Not even once.”

 

**“...What the hell... So you trust this guy over me?! I take you on dates and I give you my affection, of course I care—“**

“Shut it, Seulgi. Those _dates_ or _pecks_ or _those meaningless affections_ or anything doesn’t matter. Nothing else matters after you said those words. You played with me, and I have enough of it.”

 

**"You... You're unbelievable! I love you, Won! Why can't you see that-"**

 

"If you really do, then why do you always cheat with Baekhyun or other guys in general behind my back?"

 

**"T-that's..."**

 

“...So I have a favor.”

 

**“...What?”**

“Break up with me, and never talk to me again.”

 

 


	12. Day 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Thanks, Joker."
> 
> "For what? I didn't do anything."
> 
> “For making me realize that everyone around me are pure poison and the fact that you threw words to Queen in my place.”

**31 Days**

**[Day 11]**

Lost

_Joker_

_“Hey, how did it go?”_

“Well... Yeah. I'm free from her.” 

 

_"Good for you."_

 

“Thanks, Joker.”

 

_“For what? I didn’t do anything.”_

“For making me realize that everyone around me are pure poison and the fact that you threw words to Queen in my place.”

 

_“So you wanna get out from that said poisonous environment?”_

“It’s not easy. It won't be.”

 

_“It's alright, I never once thought it would be.”_

“I’ll just... I'll just come up with something, I guess.”

 

_“Don't rush yourself, Lost. You’ve just broke up with your girlfriend yesterday. Take one step at a time and take it easy, no one’s pressuring you.”_

“I just wonder how could you be so rational all the time.”

 

_“So we’re gonna ignore the fact that I basically threw away my image when my cousin got hurt the other day?”_

“I’d say that’s pretty humane.”

 

_“Yes, and I’d say that was stupidly humane.”_

“But whatever; what’s done is done.”

 

_“You’re able to breathe now?”_

“I can.”

 

_“That’s good.”_

“Mm-hmm. Would you... Would you promise me that you’ll have my back?”

 

_“Hm?”_

 

"Um, would you promise me that whatever may happen, you'll always have my back?"

 

"Shit, never mind. That was cringey and embarrassing as shit **—"**

 

_“Of course. Without his trump card aka Joker, Lost would be just lost in a maze with no exit.”_

“Trump card... I quite like that.”

 

_“Oh yeah?”_

“Mm-hmm. The Joker card is essential when playing cards. Well... It depends on what game you’re playing though. The Joker can lead to victory, to win the game.”

 

_“This game of life?”_

“Pretty much.”

 

“And congratulations on the tenth day, Joker.”

 

_“Technically eleventh but thank you, Lost. It’s an honor.”_

“You sure that you can promise me, forever and always that you got my back?”

 

_“Forever and always as long as you’ve got mine.”_

 

 

 

 


	13. Day 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But I can’t do that when life is being a little bitch to me.”
> 
> “Life is being a little bitch to us every day, which is why we need to form a rebellion.”

**31 Days**

**[Day 12]**

Lost

_Joker_

  
“I’ll kill myself after this phone call, whether you like it or not.”

 

_“No, you won’t!”_

“I have the rights to do so, Joker. Taking away my own life is _my_ own right and no-one else.”

 

_“No! Did you already forget what I said a few days ago? Human life is too precious to discard just like that.”_

“But I’m doing everyone else a damn favor.”

 

_“You don’t do a favor for ‘everyone’ by_ killing _yourself.”_

“But I’ve realized something already!”

 

“I’m not wanted! King won’t even look at me in the eye since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend and she hates me to the point of cheating on me, my dad is still acting like the douchebag he is. My mom... My mom even left me alone with the person I’m scared of the most since middle school, and I just... My life is so goddamn pointless. I see no point in sticking around in an environment where people won’t appreciate my presence in their lives.”

 

_“I appreciate you.”_

“I don’t know about that.”

 

_“Believe me, I do appreciate your presence.”_

_“I appreciate the fact that you called me for the first time even though we were strangers.”_

“But we _are_ still strangers.”

 

_“No, Lost. You’re wrong. Even though we’ve never seen each other’s faces, even though we haven’t met in person, we’ve become something more than just... Strangers. Yeah... We’re no longer strangers.”_

_“You made this suicide helpline with me, which is supposed to help you instead, but in fact, I also have problems too.”_

“And what’s your point?”

 

_“I just... I just came up with something. We’ve been sharing our problems, we’ve helped each other and we’re always ready to listen to each other. What you... No, what_ we _need is not a helpline-client relationship. What_ we _need is a friend.”_

“...”

 

_“Not gonna deny, some people treated us like shit. So if nobody actually understands you, then call me. I’ll call you too, so... Please, don’t kill yourself just yet.”_

_“Even if you feel like you’re in the brink of death, even if you feel like nothing else matters, just know that I have your back. Forever and always.”_

“But if I can’t fix this problem on my own, then what’s the damn point?”

 

_“I... I don’t know—just, walk away from it.”_

“...What?”

 

_“Walk away from whatever is causing you pain. It... It sounds cowardly, but it works. If it seems impossible to fix, then just walk away from it.”_

“But I can’t do that when life is being a little bitch to me.”

 

_“Life is being a little bitch to us every day, which is why we need to form a rebellion.”_

“A whale rebellion?”

 

_“Yes—I mean no!”_

“Then how are we supposed to form a rebellion?”

 

_“By creating the best, most wonderful and awesome version of yourself. It takes a lot of time, and I felt like giving up before I even did so. I’ve always_ despised _myself. I’ve always felt like I’m not worthy, ugly, stupid and other shits you could come up with. I thought about killing myself, Lost.”_

“Then... Then why don’t you do it?”

 

_“Do what?”_

“Kill yourself.”

 

_“I told you; human life is too precious to discard just like that. I... I just felt like I don’t want to give up yet.”_

_“Besides, there’s somebody I want to kill the most.”_

“If you killed someone before, I’m calling the police.”

 

_“No, I haven’t. But I’m trying.”_

“Who do you even want to kill?”

 

_“The old me. The boy who keeps cowering from every living, breathing, beautiful thing he saw. The boy whose heart keeps beating so rapidly whenever someone approaches him. The boy who is a good-for-nothing piece of crap who can’t even look forward to the future. It’s_ him _that I want to kill, not_ me. _”_

_“I don’t want to be the old me. Each day I keep trying to change into a better version of myself. At first I felt like it was meaningless, but after awhile with people’s help, I began to like my reflection when I look into the mirror.”_

“You don’t sound convincing on the last sentence.”

 

_“...Because it’s a lie. I changed a tiny bit, but I still hate my reflection. So, so much to the point I broke the mirror in my bathroom not long ago.”_

“I have a feeling you thought that you won’t fit in when you first came to Korea.”

 

_“Yeah. I couldn’t speak Korean that time, so I had trouble in learning and communicating. Besides, I was ostracized by my classmates because I’m culturally different than them.”_

“Then don’t.”

 

_“Don’t what?”_

“Fit in.”

 

_“That’s what I’ve been doing. Instead of going to a party with friends, I spend my time alone because I like it. Besides, I don’t see the point to go to parties other than getting laid, and I don’t even want to get laid by anyone.”_

“Why?”

 

_“I told you that I hate my reflection, right? It's not just me who feels like that, but other people too.”_

“...I don’t get it.”

 

_“Then you don’t have to get it. You just have to get my whole point.”_

“That I should create a new version of myself that I can be proud of?”

 

_“Correct.”_

_“Also, the fact that you’re not alone.”_

“So you will stick with me?”

 

_“I will.”_

“Joker?”

 

_“Yeah?”_

“Call me Wonwoo.”

 

_“I refuse.”_

“Why?”

 

_“Lost suits you better. I refuse to call you by your name until you’re proud to be someone you’d love to be.”_

“What about you? Are _you_ proud of yourself?”

 

_“...Far from proud, Lost. As miserable as it sounds, it’s true. I still hate myself so goddamn much.”_

“Have you vomited after looking at your reflection?”

 

_“...Mm-hmm.”_

_“And it’s not even the first time.”_

“Do you, perhaps...”

 

_“Hm?”_

“N-no, never mind.”

 

  _"Enough about me, I just want to remind that you can be more honest with me whenever you want, Lost."_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I don't even know when this fic will end-


	14. Day 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well... I don’t know if this’ll have a drastic change in my life but...”
> 
> “...Yeah?”
> 
> “I haven’t watched a single Disney film other than Little Mermaid.”

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 13]**

Lost

_Joker_

“I’ve been motivating myself to write these days, thanks to you.”

 

_“Huh? Did I do something?”_

“You suggested me to write some drabbles or read books, and I’ve been doing that.”

 

_“...Did I? Wait, uh...”_

“Yes, you did.”

 

_“Oh, okay. What kind of things do you write?”_

“Novels. I have a Wattpad account.”

 

_“Oh? Tell me one of your books then.”_

“I... I’m still writing this novel which I kind of stopped for a bit because I’m having a major writer’s block. It’s a slice of life story about...”

 

_“Suicide?”_

“Yes. But it mostly shows how ugly humans are.”

 

_“It’s such a pity since this world is beautiful. But humans make it worse. And I’m talking about everyone, whether if they’re breathing or not.”_

“That’s basically the whole concept of this novel. Just for your information, it's titled 'Memory'.”

 

_“Imagine me smirking at you now.”_

“Alright. One more thing, I’ve been reading some books about helplines or something similar to those and... I’ve found out something that caught my eye.”

 

_“If this is about those cliché story where the person on either end of the line falls in love and keeps saying ‘I love you’s I’m hanging up—“_

“Well, no. It’s something more relevant than that.”

 

_“What is it?”_

“You know when the characters have some burdens and they’re just... Being honest with it? Like us.”

 

_“I think I get what you mean. But that’s not all, right?”_

“Yeah. Well, I learned that their confessions are pretty much the beginning of a plot twist which send the readers into some hyperventilating sessions or just shrieking in general.”

 

_“And what are you trying to say?”_

“I guess... I guess we should try it too? I know that we’re friends now, but still there is something that I would like to get out of my mind.”

 

_“Okay, is there something you need to tell me?”_

“Well... I don’t know if this’ll have a drastic change in my life but...”

 

_“...Yeah?”_

“I haven’t watched a single Disney film other than Little Mermaid.”

 

_“...”_

“Joker—“

 

_“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”_

“Huh?”

 

_“No way, that’s not possible. Not even Snow White?”_

“Not even Snow White. Is it weird?”

 

_“Yes. You ass, I was scared for a second.”_

“Why are you so scared—“

_“Shut it. Well, at least you’ve watched Little Mermaid—“_

“Only until Part of Your World.”

 

_“...”_

“Did you just sigh—“

 

_“Lost, was life being a little bitch to you when you were little to the point you hadn’t watch a single Disney film?”_

“Aw, you know me so well.”

 

_“Oh, God.”_

_“I’m gonna ask you some things; do you know Pinocchio?”_

“What’s that—“

 

_“Beauty and the Beast?”_

“I watched the live action because of Emma Wattson—wait, that’s also a Disney film?”

 

_“Yes it is. Have you watched Sleeping Beauty?”_

“I only read the original version.”

 

_“The original version is shit, though. Probably because I don’t like any story that has some rape scenes.”_

“I don’t like it too. I just read it because my friend told me to.”

 

_“What a good friend.”_

_“Next; do you know Pocahontas?”_

“I don’t know.”

 

_“Lost, if you haven’t watch a single Disney film after this phone call I swear I won’t pick up again—“_

“No you wouldn’t.”

 

_“Jokes on you, I would.”_

“Why should I watch a Disney film anyway?”

 

_“Just to pretend like you had a nice childhood for a few hours before rebelling against life again.”_

“Alright, what would you suggest?”

 

_“Wall-E.”_

“Why?”

 

_“Because I remember bawling my eyes out after I watched it.”_

“I’m more into Marvel though.”

 

_“Me too. I’m not a big fan of Disney, but knowing how most of Disney films are changed into some child-friendly shit makes it interesting.”_

“What makes it interesting?”

 

_“How most of those films are originally dark. Or_ is _dark, but again it’s for children. Like Pinocchio. The writer seemed like he really,_ really _enjoyed torturing Pinocchio.”_

“What, did Pinocchio got burned?”

 

_“Yes. Burned, robbed, kidnapped, somehow escaped death numerous times and got hanged.”_

“I... I kinda want to read that.”

 

_“Go on. But watch Wall-E first, okay?”_

“I will, but have you come up with theories about Disney films?”

 

_“I guess you can say that.”_

“Has some of your guesses were confirmed by the authors?”

 

_“Now that I think about it, no. It’s kind of open for interpretation.”_

“Don’t tell me you’ve been daydreaming about those theories too.”

 

_“How the hell did you know?”_

“It’s just a hunch.”

 

_“Well, that’s true. Daydreaming is like an escape for me.”_

“But daydreaming too much is not good for you.”

 

_“I know. I just can’t help it.”_

_“Is it my turn to confess?”_

“I guess it works for both. Go on.”

 

_“Now that I remember, I haven’t gone to LA ever since my mom died.”_

“Y-your mom died?”

 

_“She died because of a car accident, protecting me. Ever since then my dad became abusive.”_

“...I’m sorry.”

 

_“It’s alright. I’m trying to forget about it.”_

“Also, can I tell you something?”

 

_“I feel like some egoistical comment will fly to my way.”_

“I swear, no. I just want to tell you something.”

 

_“Okay, go on.”_

“I’ll be taking a break from college for a month.”

 

_“...Don’t tell me.”_

“I hope you’re thinking what I’m thinking.”

 

_“Are you serious? You’re—“_

“Yup, yup, imagine me winking at you now.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oOF I wonder what did wonu meant by that ( ͡° ͜ ʖ ͡° )


	15. Day 14 - Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo haves a proper conversation with his dad after a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hbd to our gentleman slash devil slash lovable two faced little prick slash uwu bby Joshua!!  
> dang i don't have the motivation to draw a fanart of him haha

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 14 – Morning]**

Lost

**_Other characters_ **

 

 

 

 

Jeon Wonwoo grabs the small suitcase filled with his clothes and other items he would probably need during his ‘Trip to Seoul’ for less than a month. He checks himself in the mirror once again, feeling quite nervous already. Taking a deep breath, he exhales.

 

“It’s okay, you got this.” He says to himself.

 

Checking the clock in his room, it’s still around 8 am. Wonwoo keeps checking his appearance in the mirror, already feeling stupid when he does so. It’s like he’s on a damn date, even though he's not. But he can’t help but feel nervous.

 

Jeon Wonwoo has never left Busan.

 

Jeon Wonwoo was born in Busan and practically spends his meaningless, sad life in Busan. He pays his own college fees, also stealing his own dad’s card which may or may not be a small revenge because Wonwoo would _never_ ask his dad to pay, especially if he must ask directly to him. That’s a big no to Wonwoo, thinking that it’s worse than suicide. To avoid actually meeting his dad, he took a break from college because of ‘health’ and goes to Seoul.

 

Thinking it would be nice to kill himself there.

 

He doesn’t want some mighty big guy up in the sky to control his life. He doesn’t want to become a puppet. Everyone in this world is a puppet, each human has their own ‘fate’ and ‘time’ and ‘life’, and most of them forget that their lives are already set up by God. Life flows like a script of a play, and every living, breathing creature are casts. Fate is just playing around with every creature, and Fate seems to love watching a distressed Jeon Wonwoo and other people who lives a miserable life.

 

Controlling your own life is what Wonwoo craves. It’s the only thing that is _real._ It’s the only thing that can’t possibly be fake, and Wonwoo’s death is something that he and _only he_ should be able to control. It’s not that _his_ ‘time is up and go to the afterlife’, and it’s not in the hands of someone else. It should be his own decision, and no one can take that away from Wonwoo. Ever.

 

Wonwoo can’t even say that he’s grateful to be alive.

 

Sighing out loud, he tightens his grip on the suitcase’s handle and walks out of his room. When his hand meets the cold doorknob, he decides to take a final look of his room that he won’t be sleeping in anymore.

 

He hates the sight.

 

He hates how clean his room is, yet why does it feel so dirty? There are a few posters on the boring beige colored walls along with a few photos just to pretend like he’s a normal college student who’s living the best of his life.

 

Except he’s not.

 

It’s like he could see those vivid images of his dad bursting the door open and pulling Wonwoo out of this room by force to go and buy him a few bottles of alcohol. Wonwoo can’t forget those memories. How his dad keeps demanding alcohol, or how his dad would suddenly disappear as if he got swallowed by Earth when in reality his dad went to a bar.

 

Dismissing the thoughts, Wonwoo turns the doorknob and head straight downstairs, ignoring his own pounding heart and the tension around him.

 

When he made it to the first floor, he feels extremely panicked. On the usual dark looking couch, there is a man.

 

Wonwoo’s breath hitches.

 

In reflex, he places his free palm against his chest, trying to calm himself down and act as natural as possible. The wheels of the suitcase _does not help_ when he desperately walk towards the door.

 

_Thump, thump, thump_

His heart is pounding a bit too hard for Wonwoo’s liking. He just hopes his dad won’t notice him.

 

_Thump, thump, thump_

After a few seconds of walking which feels like _painful minutes,_ Wonwoo’s hands _finally_ touches the doorknob. His hand almost slips—

 

**_“Wonwoo?”_** A voice calls him, a voice that Wonwoo knows too well.

 

_Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump_

Wonwoo has never been so frozen like _this._ It’s like the fucking _magic_ of December decides to freeze Wonwoo to the bones then to his soul. His eyes darts to his own hand, only to find it trembling against the doorknob. His hands and feet became cold as ice almost instantly. At this moment, he thinks that it would be good if his soul would fly away this instant.

 

**_“Wonwoo?”_** That voice calls again, this time it sounds closer.

 

_Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump_

 

He almost screams his lungs out.

 

**_“Wonwoo, can you... Look at me?”_ **

 

The boy reluctantly turns.

 

The man standing before him surely looks different than usual, Wonwoo can’t deny that. But the agonizing tension between them makes Wonwoo want to hunch over the toilet and throw up until he’s a coughing and wheezing mess.

 

**_“Are you going somewhere?”_** His dad asks, voice sounding soft and gentle.

 

Wonwoo gulps, contemplating whether he should tell him or not. Various scenarios suddenly rushed through Wonwoo’s brain. What if his dad prohibited him to go? What if he can’t meet Joker at least once in his life?

 

_Joker._

_‘You sure that you can promise me, forever and always that you got my back?’_

_‘Forever and always, as long as you got mine.’_

 

“Yes.” Wonwoo admits, avoiding eye contact. “Are you... Sober?”

 

**_“As a matter of fact... I am.”_** His dad says ** _. “Where are you going?”_**

 

“Why do you even bother to ask?” Wonwoo accidentally blurts out. “You never... You never bothered to tell me where _you_ keep going. Why do you suddenly care about me?”

 

His dad looks down, scratching his nape like those guys in teen fiction books when they’re nervous. **_“I... I guess you’re right. But still, Wonwoo,”_** His dad looks up to his son. **_“I... I just want to say sorry. Even when your mother was still here, I—I kept acting like a fucking asshole and I even hurt you the other day—“_**

 

“Dad—“

 

**_“No, Wonwoo, you’re going to let me finish. Let me apologize. I became a dick for both you and your mom because of my a-addiction. I even called you names for God knows how many times... I just—I just want to apologize, even though it’s no excuse. Your mother even got engaged with me out of all people because of economical stuff and... I was so blind I couldn’t even be a good father for you. I feel so guilty you don’t even know how much I’m willing to say sorry to you.”_ **

****

**_“You even had to work a lot of jobs just to pay for your college fees just because I wasn’t a good dad for you. I guess I deserve that small revenge of yours since you often take my credit card without me “knowing”.”_ **

****

Wonwoo gasps in horror, “I’m sorry—“

 

**_“Don’t be, Wonwoo. I deserve that, and in the end it’s for you.”_ **

****

The silver haired boy swallows the lump in his throat, “Dad, since when did you became so addicted?” Wonwoo asks.

 

**_“Since I was in my final year in college, Wonwoo-yah. I... I got addicted because I was hanging out with the wrong people.”_** His dad’s eyes are tearing up. **_“Fuck, it took me a split second of soberness to actually realize my own mistakes. I noticed you packing your things last night and I... I was scared to lose you forever.”_** He takes a deep breath, forcing himself to look at Wonwoo and trying to hold back his own tears because he thinks that he has no rights to do so when _he_ was the demon in Wonwoo’s life.

 

Wonwoo flinches upon the raw look on the man’s face. He’s never seen anything remotely close than the expression that man is wearing and Wonwoo honestly doesn’t know how to deal with it.

 

**_“I’m not asking you to forgive me, and I know that I fucked up too many times.” His dad says, voice quivering._ **

****

“You did.” Wonwoo softly says, voice so soft it’s like a mumble. “But I forgive you. Because... Everyone deserves to become the best version of their own self when they have the chance. Including... You.”

 

That’s something Joker would say, huh?

 

“You’re still my dad, after all.”

 

His dad smiles weakly ** _. “I don’t deserve to call someone as amazing as you my son. It was you who kept me breathing, Wonwoo, even though I have no right to say that.”_**

 

That means a lot to Wonwoo.

 

Wonwoo remembers how he had to take care of his drunken dad reluctantly like driving him home from a bar or make him some dinner. He just felt like he had to, not because he _wanted_ to. But he also remembers when his dad gave him a lollipop to make him stop crying because of the bullies when he was little.

 

And his dad may be taking a step forward to become someone who he’s able to feel proud of.

 

**_“You have somewhere to go, right?”_** His dad smiles and Wonwoo nods. **_“Would you like to specify what are you gonna do?”_**

 

“I’m... I’m gonna go to meet my friend in another town.”

 

_Joker._

**_“Then go. Go and meet this friend of yours.”_ **

 

“What about you?”

 

**_“I’m gonna join a rehab program. It’s time to get my head screwed straight and try to.... Change for the best.”_ **

****

Wonwoo blinks a few times before completely realizing. His dad wants to straighten himself, wants to make up his past mistakes. He wants to be a good dad for Wonwoo at least _once_ in his whole life.

 

The imaginations of Wonwoo himself drowning in the cobalt blue ocean, adding a bit of color to his black and white world and dissolve into seafoam feels like it was breaking just a bit like a piece of glass. It's giving him a headache.

 

Sometimes people’s feelings are enough to make you think.

 

**_“You can take this,”_** His dad hands out a credit card. **_“You might need it.”_**

****

Wonwoo swallows back the stinging pain around his neck due to holding back the tears. Blinking them away, he takes a breath in order to calm himself down. “It’s okay, dad.”

 

Thankfully, his dad doesn’t question any further.

 

Knowing this might be Wonwoo’s last proper conversation with his dad, he musters up some courage and drops his suitcase. Taking a few steps forward, he wraps his arms around his dad’s shoulders. He’s taken aback by the sudden gesture, even Wonwoo is surprised too, also ignoring the small ounce of fear within him that unfortunately won't be gone any time soon. “I’m proud of you, dad.”

 

The boy pulls away and grips his suitcase’s handle. “I’ll be going.”

 

His dad smiles proudly but there’s still a hint of sadness in his eyes, most likely because he still blames himself for what he’s done. **_“Have a safe trip.”_**

****

***

 

Wonwoo takes a seat near the train’s exit while listening to some English music he barely understands. The train is unexpectedly quiet and barely filled with people even though it’s December. Wonwoo’s eyes gaze at the sky from the window, only to see the bright sky with snowflakes falling down.

 

Wonwoo sighs, closing his eyes in order to get the tension away from his heart. His pocket vibrates, telling him that he received a message.

 

**From: Mingyu**

-won

-where are you?

 

Wonwoo thought it was from Joker, and he frowns when he read the word ‘Mingyu’.

 

**To: Mingyu**

-Why do you care?

 

**From: Mingyu**

-Taehyung said you weren’t in class

-he said he didn’t see you

 

**To: Mingyu**

-took a break from college

-I’m on my way to seoul

 

**From: Mingyu**

-WHAT?? Since when??

-Why would you go there

 

**To: Mingyu**

-Why do you even bother to ask?

 

**From: Mingyu**

-i’m worried

 

**To: Mingyu**

-yeah, ofc.

-the funny thing is that you never asked me if i’m okay. You never listened to whatever i had to say, mingyu

-and you’re telling me that you’re NOW worried about me?

 

**From: Mingyu**

-I know that you broke up with seulgi, and i’m sorry for treating you like you didn’t exist for the next few days

 

**To: Mingyu**

-that’s it?

-is that fucking it?

-you think i never had any problems with anybody other than seulgi?

 

**From: Mingyu**

-huh?

 

**To: Mingyu**

-tbh, i kinda thought that we would make good friends

-but it seems like you never really cared for me

-you didn’t try to cheer me up like a friend would do

 

**From: Mingyu**

-you never showed me that you were feeling down

 

**To: Mingyu**

-people who are feeling down don’t flat out say that they’re feeling down gyu

-to know, you either have to figure it yourself or ask them

 

**From: Mingyu**

-so you’re saying it’s my fault?

 

**To: Mingyu**

**-** no, i’m just speaking my honest thoughts

-and if you seem to ‘know me so well’ you would understand what i mean, yeah?

 

**From: Mingyu**

-won

-are you even ok?

 

**To: Mingyu**

-no

-i’m not

-but idc anymore

 

**From: Mingyu**

-why are you even going to seoul?

 

**To: Mingyu**

-there’s a person i have to meet

 

**From: Mingyu**

-who?

 

**From: Mingyu**

-someone important to me

-i’m still in the train, bye

 

 

***

 

Wonwoo sighs in relief when he arrives at his hotel room in Seoul after having his energy drained from squeezing between lots of people in the station despite his height, trying to not hit them by accident.

 

He’s not particularly excited to go to Seoul, seeing the same tall buildings and fashionable people here and there. Feeling kind of tired, Wonwoo throws his red scarf and grey coat to the bed and soon collapse to the soft mattress (as expected of a hotel) and closes his eyes.

 

There’s still a lot of time to venture around Seoul anyway.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here i said the chapters would be short haha what a joke--
> 
> if you guys found some grammar mistakes or something, pls don't hesitate to point it out to me~~
> 
> p.s in this fic, it's clap era wonwoo and thanks era joshua. I planned this ff since before oh my after all hehe


	16. Day 14 - Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "..."
> 
> "..."
> 
> "..."
> 
> "..."
> 
> "Seriously, stop. This silence is killing me."

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 14 – Call]**

Lost

_Joker_

_“Are you in Seoul?”_

“Yeah. Where are you now?”

 

_“I’m in my own house.”_

“Okay.”

 

_“...”_

“...”

 

_“...”_

“...”

 

_“Seriously, stop. This silence is killing me.”_

“O-oh, sorry. I guess I’m just nervous?”

 

_“Same. I don’t know what kind of guy I’m gonna face.”_

“Well, same.”

 

_“Tell me a bit of your appearance then.”_

“Uh, I have silver dyed hair. Not too silver, a bit brownish silver?”

 

_“I can’t picture it in my brain.”_

“Well, It’s okay. We’ll meet each other anyway.”

 

_“Yeah.”_

“...”

 

_“If we’re staying silent again, I think I’m gonna go insane.”_

“O-okay, sorry again. Also, do you have a Steam account?”

 

_“Yeah, I do even though I’m not much of a gamer.”_

“Is your account named AresNoir?”

 

_“How the hell did you know?”_

“Thanks to my friend Taehyung, I got your number from him and he told me your Steam account before I took a break from college, hehe.”

 

_“Wow, that fucking high school friend of mine.”_

“You guys were friends since high school?”

 

_“Yeah. We still keep in touch, but too busy to meet up. Sometimes we play games through Steam while joking around and such.”_

“From what I learned ever since I talked to you, you and Taehyung aren’t even alike, personality wise.”

 

_“Yeah, he’s a dork.”_

“I’m sure you’re a dork too.”

 

_“According to other people, I’m a mischievous dork while Taehyung is a dorky dork.”_

“I don’t know if I can imagine that, but I guess it's pretty legit.”

 

“Enough about the dork discussion, I watched Wall-E.”

 

_“Oh yeah? How is it? I almost forgot about that.”_

“I actually really enjoyed it. Well, even though it has a heavy theme.”

 

_“Heavy? You mean the whole thing?”_

“Yup.”

 

_“Enlighten me, please.”_

“To me, the whole movie itself is a dystopia.”

_“You mean how Earth is practically ruined because of the severe pollution?”_

“That, but I’m also talking about the Axiom. I’d say the Axiom is a forced utopia or a fake one, since the ‘happiness’ there was rather fake _.”_

_“I agree on that, but that’s not all, yeah?”_

“Yeah. I have a question; how could the humans survive for 700 years _inside_ the Axiom?”

 

_“Uh, they make babies?”_

“Well, yes. But what do they eat? They must eat in order to survive, right?”

 

_“They eat in cups... Oh.”_

 

“What are those food made of?”

 

_“Are you saying that they’ve been eating each other without any of them knowing?”_

“Possibly.”

 

“I think they haven’t seen a plant in their whole life, so the possibility of them eating vegetables or fruits is... Slim. In order to _survive,_ you have to do what’s necessary, no?”

 

_“Hmm... It’s possible that there’s some unseen cannibalism going on.”_

“How did you come up with the idea of cannibalism?”

 

_“Knowing you. Any gruesome idea would fit.”_

“Okay, that’s actually interesting.”

 

“If it’s to survive, then why not?”

 

_“What about you? Do you want to survive or live?”_

“Living is practically far from my grasp. But I don’t want to survive.”

 

_“Then... Do you need a hand to hold?”_

“Possibly.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola, long time no see, school is killing me haha
> 
> Sorry for the boring update, I promise I'll update another one soon. This chapter was supposed to show their nervousness since they're gonna meet each other for the first time so yeah


	17. Day 14 - Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo feels warm after his encounter with the mysteriously feline ravenette.

**31 Days**

**[Day 14 – Start]**

Lost

_Joker_

**_Star Boy_ **

Jihoon

Wonwoo wraps his red scarf around his neck after wearing his grey coat _while_ checking for his appearance in the mirror. It’s not that he’s narcissistic, but it’s most likely because of the feeling of _must_ to look good. It’s like he can’t become someone who he wants to be. He can’t create the best version of himself if everybody keeps judging him for every little thing.

 

He himself knows that his face is... Handsome. He knows that, really. But he’s not one to boast about his handsomeness. Because of his cold and closed-off personality, most people don’t even bother to get to know him, already calling him ‘a handsome face with a trashy personality’. This happened a lot in middle school until high school.

 

In college, he didn’t care. But people weren’t so accepting as he’d like.

 

Why does he even feel the need to look at the mirror? He doesn’t like to be judged. He worries too much of people’s opinions about him.

 

In a second, he feels a pit dropping to his stomach again.

 

His phone announces Wonwoo that he received a voicemail. Out of curiosity, Wonwoo accepts the voicemail, smirking when it’s from Joker.

 

_“Hey, Joker here. I’m waiting for you at Starbucks.”_

Okay.

 

First, he made sure to shower. Second, he made sure to not fuck up because calling someone through the phone and meeting someone face to face is so goddamn different.

 

“Okay, you got this.”

 

 

 

 

**[Outside of the hotel]**

 

In 4 pm, Wonwoo’s eyes stare at the view of the busy city of Seoul. He stands there, gazing at the people walking to their own destination while Wonwoo suddenly feels empty, like he doesn’t belong here. He looks at the sky, only to see the grey sky with snowflakes falling.

 

Emptiness is what he feels.

 

He takes a few slow steps, his eyes moves to the glass of a restaurant just to see his reflection. His clothes are normal, everything is normal about him. But why does he feel like he doesn’t belong here?

 

_Breathe,_ Wonwoo thought. He exhales his breath, creating a soft puff of air from his mouth because of the cold.

 

Joker.

 

He knows that Joker won’t judge him.

 

So he walks down the streets while looking around, feeling the cold air brushing past him. He puts his hands to his pockets, hands grasping the hot packs inside.

 

Without noticing his own surroundings, he arrives at Starbucks, the typical spot to kill time. He stood in front of the floor-to-ceiling window, outside of the cafe. He doesn’t want to come inside if Joker isn’t there.

 

Not noticing that there was someone behind that window, sitting with two cups on the table, alone.

 

Wonwoo decides to click on this mysterious Joker’s contact number, “Hello?”

 

_“Yeah? Where are you?”_

“Outside of Starbucks. You?”

 

_“Are you... The one with the red scarf? Grey coat, kinda silver-brownish hair?”_

“Yeah... You found me?”

 

_“Maybe.”_

Wonwoo swears the streets are pretty busy, and even if there are a lot of good people here and there, nobody really seems to suit the nickname ‘Joker’. His head turns from right to left, already having no idea. Nobody was calling someone by the phone, except some businessmen passing by.

 

“How did you find me?” Wonwoo asks, fingers already feeling cold.

 

_“People see what they want to see, Lost.”_

“What do you mean?”

 

_“It means that I’m the only one looking for you. Now, could you turn back?”_

Wonwoo obliges.

 

At the same time, his eyes caught someone’s brown orbs. An eye contact with a black haired boy with a blue scarf around his neck.

 

The boy’s hand is holding his own phone next to his ear, and smiled. Wonwoo couldn’t focus on anything else at this point.

 

_...Beautiful._

_“Lost?”_ The boy says, and Wonwoo could definitely hear it from his phone. _“Come in before the coffee gets cold.”_

 

 

 

The air is warm, filled with the scent of coffee. Wonwoo hears the conversation between other strangers when he sits down, Joker in front of him.

 

Wonwoo looks at Joker for a bit.

 

There’s something oddly _feline_ about Joker. From the round shape of his eyes and his shining orbs, cute little nose and the kittenish curl of his grin. The tip of his nose and ears are flushed pink because of December’s cold air. His black hair is quite messy, his choice of fashion rather casual looking.

 

He wears a dusty blue coat outside of a black knitted sweater that covers half of his palms in an adorable way along with black slacks and white sneakers. His neck is covered by the dark blue scarf styled in a parisian knot.

 

Despite his ethereal beauty that Wonwoo won’t deny, there’s something _odd_ about him. His fingers were slim, too slim and bony. His eyelids were dark, as if he never sleeps. His skin and lips are pale, in an unhealthy way. It’s concerning.

 

Wonwoo wonders about the things that Joker said about himself. He said he hates himself and people feel the same way. How could someone hate him?

 

_“Nice to finally meet you, Lost.”_ Joker says, smiling. _“You can take that coffee if you want, sorry if it’s not your preference.”_

“Nice to meet you, and I’m pretty much okay with any coffee.” Wonwoo says as he took a sip of the coffee. He examined Joker again.

 

In front of the mysteriously feline Joker, is a cup of jasmine tea. From the looks of it, it’s half empty.

 

It’s an unexpectedly normal encounter. Both thought it’ll be an awkward start, but talking to each other face to face feels easier, a fact that is unexpected. Wonwoo told the feline boy that he also watched Peter Pan, much to Joker’s surprise.

 

_“I thought you didn’t bother to watch.”_ Joker says, snickering.

 

“The theories made me want to watch it.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“I'm glad.”_

 

“Why?"

 

_"I don't know, I'm just glad. Don't you think that Peter Pan is like a grim reaper?"_

 

"What? Grim reaper?"

 

_"Grim Reapers collect souls, right? Don't you think that Wendy and the others killed themselves because they don't wanna grow up?"_

 

Wonwoo furrows his eyebrows slightly, leaning a bit more forward. "So Neverland is like heaven? I mean, heaven is... Immortal. So they want to stay youthful forever?"

 

_“Maybe?”_ Joker chuckles.  _"I don't know."_

 

Wonwoo swears he feels a peaceful feeling every time Joker lets his beautiful, warm voice out of his throat.

 

_“Since you’re my faithful companion, I’ll guide you on a tour.”_ Joker declares, even though there’s no hint of authority in his voice.

Wonwoo smirks, “Fine then. Will we be visiting those popular places?”

 

_“Probably not, but if you want to, you can. I’ve been planning on showing you some places that aren’t visited by a lot of people.”_

“Alright, Joker. I’m looking forward of your version of Utopia.”

 

 

 

 

The air is cold, sharp, and Wonwoo feels like his bones are pierced when he stepped out of the cafe, following Joker.

 

“Where are we going?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Dunno.”_

Wonwoo mentally slapped his face with an open palm.

 

_“That was spontaneous. I didn’t plan out anything.”_

“How ‘bout we go to a place where we can just talk? We haven’t known each other that much.”

 

Joker hums in agreement while smiling. Since Wonwoo arrived at Starbucks, he noticed how Joker kept smiling. Seriously, Wonwoo could only wonder if Joker’s cheeks hurt after smiling for so long. Or maybe that’s just how Joker is, so he has no say in it. Well, it’s not like he’s complaining or anything.

 

After walking for a few minutes passing several of stores and restaurants, they were talking about random stuffs like collage or something. Joker is a literature student who is a few months older than Wonwoo, but he’s a 95 liner born in December 30.

 

Wonwoo pretty much knows some stuff about Joker since their phone calls, and Joker knows some stuff about Wonwoo too. One thing that Wonwoo doesn’t know about Joker is... Something relatively important.

 

His name.

 

Well, it _was_ Wonwoo who initiated them to use nicknames. But now he’s dying out of curiosity.

 

“Say, Joker.” Wonwoo called and Joker’s head tilted to him. He’s shorter than Wonwoo and he secretly found it cute when he had to look up. Mind you, Wonwoo isn’t the type to deny a cute looking _person_ when he sees one.

 

_“Yeah?”_ Joker said.

 

“Can you tell me your e-mail?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Sure.”_ Joker replies, pulling out his phone and then hands his phone to Wonwoo for him to see.

 

_js.Ha95.kmail.com_

 

_“Why did you ask?”_ Joker asks.

 

“In all honesty, I’m just curious about your name. I wanna guess.” Wonwoo answers truthfully.

 

_“Try and guess then.”_ Joker smiled. _“It’s an English name.”_

Wonwoo nodded, “JS is an initial, right? If so... Jason? Jefferson? Joseph? Uh...” Confusion is drawn on his face pretty clearly.

 

_“It’s Joshua actually. My Korean name is Jisoo.”_ He finally answers. _“But I prefer people calling me Joshua instead.”_

 

“Why?” Wonwoo asks, though he feels like he shouldn’t even ask.

 

_“I grew up in America, as you know. Joshua is my birth name, and if someone calls me Jisoo, sometimes I don’t react. Besides, my mom was the one who named me.”_ There’s a smile on his face and a happy tone on his voice.

 

Wonwoo would definitely understand if Joshua—no, _Joker,_ suddenly got reminded of his mom.

 

“...Sorry, Joker.” He mumbles, but audible for Joker’s ears.

 

_“Huh, why?”_ Joker asks.

 

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Wonwoo dismisses. Oh, he’s only thinking too much, after all. “Anyways, where are you taking me?”

 

_“Oh, right.” Joker says. “Can we go to the hospital?”_

“Let me guess, Star Boy?” Wonwoo grinned.

 

_“Oh, you call my cousin ‘Star Boy’?”_ Joker asks, a hint of curiosity is on his face. Even though Wonwoo mentioned ‘Star Boy’ a few times already, maybe Joker just realized it now.

 

“Yup. He calls me Lost too.” Wonwoo said. “Is he the same age as me?”

 

_“Yup. I’m sure you’ll get along with them.”_

“Them?”

 

_“Him and someone else.”_ Joker smiles.

 

 

 

 

In all honesty, Wonwoo is pretty excited to meet Joker’s cousin and this _someone else._ Meeting someone he doesn’t know usually scares the living shit out of him. He thought his social skills improved, but it makes him kind of panicked. When Joker noticed his discomfort when they were at the entrance, Joker gave Wonwoo’s shoulder a firm but gentle squeeze.

 

_“It’ll be fine. They don’t bite.”_ Joker assures him, and Wonwoo smiles. _“Scared?”_

“Well, just a little nervous.”

 

Joker didn’t say anything else. They both went inside the elevator and Wonwoo notices his too-blank expression. His cousin’s room is in the 4th floor, so they took the lift. A small pressure filled the small elevator as it rise from the ground floor.

 

Not to sound like a creep, but Wonwoo notices how Joker sighs weirdly, something Wonwoo is a bit familiar with. Plus the fact that Joker’s fingers keeps twitching.

 

“Are you claustrophobic?” Wonwoo asks.

 

Joker nodded. _“But not that much.”_

“I’m scared of heights.” Wonwoo admits, and Joker chuckled.

 

The sound of _ding_ informs them that they’ve reach the 4th floor, and the door opens. Joker walks out first, followed by Wonwoo. Wonwoo purposely walked two steps behind Joker, just to secretly admire Joker from behind.

 

Seriously, Joker is too slim. He’s too small for someone at least more than 175 centimeters tall.

 

Shortly, they’re in front of a door with the nameplate Kwon Soonyoung. Oh, so that’s his name. Joker is about to reach the door handle, but decided to knock instead.

 

_“You heard this from me; a few days earlier I walked in at the wrong time. I’m traumatized.”_ Joker chuckles. What kind of wrong time? Either making out, a serious talk or just plain se—no, that’s not possible. That boy broke his leg the other day.

 

“Come in.” 

 

Joker pushed the door open, and Wonwoo follows. There are two boys, and Wonwoo assumes that the one on the bed is Soonyoung, but who is that 14-looking year old boy with yellow hair?

 

**_“Wait, is this hyung’s friend?”_** Soonyoung asks, looking enthusiastic. Joker nodded, and Soonyoung’s smile continues to grow. **_“The one who helped us through that phone call?”_**

****

“The very same.” Wonwoo said. “I’m Jeon Wonwoo, whom you know as Lost.”

 

**_“I’m Kwon Soonyoung, and this grumpy ass child is—ow!”_** The boy with yellow hair suddenly hit Soonyoung in the shoulder.

 

“Uh, I’m Lee Jihoon. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Wonwoo smiles. “Are you guys boyfriends?”

 

Jihoon bites his lip, and Soonyoung chokes on his own spit. Joker blinks when he heard what Wonwoo said, and awkwardly chuckles. _“You do know that that question is not too... ideal, right?”_

“Sorry.” Wonwoo shrugs like it’s no problem. He met with a lot of gay people in college so it’s no longer a surprise for him.

 

**_“So... Did hyung tell you?”_** Soonyoung asks.

 

“He didn’t, but I just put two and two together. He told me a bit about you guys, but whenever he refers to both of you he says ‘my cousin and my friend’. Pretty weird, actually.”

 

Joker could only shake his head lightly while sighing.

 

**_“You’re not homophobic?”_ **

****

“I’m not. I’m bisexual, so we’re kind of on the same boat here.” Wonwoo admits with a sheepish smile,

 

Soonyoung cheers and Wonwoo swears the whole floor could hear him. Good thing he doesn’t have to point that out since Jihoon already punch him in the same spot again.

 

Actually, Wonwoo didn’t expect it to be really fun. They get along pretty well. Soonyoung is naturally friendly and touchy (Wonwoo doesn’t mind), Jihoon is a funny and sarcastic person but is a sweetheart from what Wonwoo heard through their stories. Joker, he knows.

 

Even though this is literally the first time Wonwoo met them, he feels like he knows them for months. All of them are relatable, in a way. For some reasons, though, it was easy for Wonwoo to talk to them.

 

Is this... Joker’s idea? Or is this the Universe’s idea?

 

Before Wonwoo came here, he had a normal conversation with his dad, heck he even hugged him. When he met Joker, he expected it to be awkward, but no. And then, this.

 

It feels like Wonwoo has a genuinely normal life. 

 

**_“How about you, Lost? Something interesting happened to your life?”_** Soonyoung asks.

 

Wonwoo knows it was just a simple, curious question.

 

Yet he’s confused.

 

“Wait, why do you call him ‘Lost’?”

**_“I don’t know, ask Shua hyung. Wonwoo calls Shua hyung as Joker.”_ **

****

Three pair of eyes looks to Joker’s direction. The older chuckles, and Wonwoo swears to God that he felt some sudden warmth. _“It’s just an alias.”_

“That’s some weird nicknames. But knowing Shua, I’m sure there’s a reason.” Jihoon says, smirking.

 

So they kept on continuing their get-to-know each other, accidentally leaving Soonyoung's question about his life unquestioned. It’s fun, actually.

 

He learns that Soonyoung is bullied and often get beaten up because he’s gay. Jihoon doesn’t get bullied (people are highkey terrified of him, mind you) but he gets some unpleasant words behind his back, which he pays no attention to. Soonyoung said it isn’t easy to be gay in a country where a lot of people are homophobic, and Wonwoo sympathizes with the smiley boy.

 

Joker on the other hand, Wonwoo _knows_ that he’s bullied.He just doesn’t know _why._ And of course, he wouldn’t pester the feline ravenette any further than necessary.

 

The dark sky surprises Wonwoo as he didn’t think he’d stay for hours here. Besides, Soonyoung looks like he took a liking to Wonwoo, along with Jihoon. They consider him as their new friend already. Wonwoo? He doesn’t know. He’ll disappear from this world by his own hands soon, and when Wonwoo counts the days,

 

Wonwoo still has 17 days left.

 

 

 

Wonwoo checks his watch, the clock hands reached 8 pm. The city’s neon lights illuminating the dark skies and Wonwoo thinks it’s beautiful. The streets weren’t so busy like at noon, so it’s a pretty peaceful day so far.

 

_“I’ll take you to your hotel.”_ The feline ravenette said, a kittenish grin curls upon his pale lips.

 

“No, it’s okay.” Wonwoo says, his index finger pointing at Joker’s slightly shaking legs. “You’re cold.”

 

_“Well, it’s nothing,”_ He insists, but Wonwoo isn’t having any of it. Not until tomorrow, or the days to come. _“I’m kind of fine with the cold.”_

“No, seriously.” Wonwoo insists too. “You’re teeth kept chattering ever since we went out of the hospital.”

 

There’s not a single reply from Joker other than a sigh, a soft puff of air came out from his lips.

 

_“So... I guess we’ll meet tomorrow?”_ Joker smiles.

 

Wonwoo nods, a grin plastered on his face. “Of course. When are you free?”

 

_“After twelve.”_ Joker says. _“Text me when you come back to the hotel.”_

“I will, I will. Be safe, okay?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many AUs to write, I'm getting kinda impatient
> 
> Thank you for reading until this far, y'all are the best! Also, please don't hesitate to point out some mistakes (also sorry for any grammar mistakes) to me so I can fix those mistakes and write better chapters!


	18. Day 15

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 15]**

Lost

_Joker_

He stands in front of Joker’s seat, gripping the handle tightly. The bus is quite packed, which Wonwoo doesn’t like about. They found one seat available for either one of them, but Wonwoo insisted Joker to take a seat. Being a sweetheart Joker is, he declined at first but look at him now; sitting on one of the seats with Wonwoo shielding him from people. Good thing that Wonwoo is tall.

 

“When’s our stop?” Wonwoo asks, and Joker nods with a small, cute smile on his face.

_“The next one.”_

“Where are you taking me this time?”

 

_“What’s your favorite animal?”_ Joker asks, a hint of curiosity flashes on his shining brown orbs, too dazzling to be ignored. Almost, _very_ almost, Wonwoo almost smiles to himself.

 

“Cats.” Wonwoo answers firmly, and Joker can hear the slight pride on Wonwoo’s deep voice.

 

Joker chuckles and Wonwoo swears he doesn’t want anything to ever make Joker lose his smile.

 

It’s the most beautiful sight the boy named Lost has ever seen.

 

_“I love cats, too!”_ He smiles brightly. _“I know a cat cafe that I often visit with Jihoon and my best friend, Jeonghan. I’m sure you’ll love it.”_

So Wonwoo smirks, hearing the announcement for the next stop. The bus turns then stops almost instantly. Both boys take this as a cue to get off, so Joker stands from his seat, following Wonwoo to exit the door.

 

The bus drives again when nobody else walks in or out from the door.

 

The air is cold, but not too cold for someone who gets cold easily. He looks at Joker, who only sighs shakily, most likely because of the cold temperature.

 

_“Let’s go.”_ Joker smiles.

 

And Wonwoo nods, walking beside him as if they’ve known each other for years.

 

Both of them see the never-ending flow of humans passing them by. Wonwoo takes no notice to those passing strangers, fixating his eyes to Joker, who tells him a story about what happened before Wonwoo calls him for the first time.

 

Joker was playing Fortnite at Steam with his friends. They only played Fortnite just to imitate and mock those toxic kids who labels themselves as a ‘pro gamer’ when they only play Fortnite, Roblox and Minecraft. It was honestly amusing, Wonwoo even laughs when he listens. But then an American kid suddenly joined them as an opponent, and Joker shot the kid a few times. The kid shouted ‘fuck you, you fucking useless bitch’ to Joker, and he basically threw a grenade at the kid, eventually committing a ‘rage quit’ while screaming in tears.

 

Joker, however, was tearing up while muffling his exploding laughter, not wanting his step-parents to question him any further after the kid left in rage. Since then, he didn’t want to touch Fortnite ever again.

 

_“Oh, we’re here.”_ Joker says, chuckling when he saw how Wonwoo’s eyes sparkles in anticipation.

 

When they go inside, Wonwoo’s eyes darts to the aesthetically pleasing design of the cafe. The color palette is warm, a nice contrast to the winter in December. The decorations are also really nice, much to Wonwoo’s personal liking. After deciding how long they’d like to stay, they chose to stay for two hours.

 

After paying, they walk inside the cafe, greeted by many cats.

 

Wonwoo’s nose scrunches, smiling when he pets a grey cat’s belly who earns a cute purring sound from said cat. Joker chuckles at this, sitting on the carpet and playing with other cats too. They sat in front of each other and Wonwoo takes this opportunity to take a glance at the mysteriously feline ravenette.

 

Beautiful.

 

With a beautiful being in front of him, the illumination of that bright smile reminds Wonwoo about their deal. Wonwoo’s thirty one days to be filled with nothing but happiness and Joker’s thirty one days to take Wonwoo’s hand and guide him to the light the world can give him. He realizes that the world could offer him no brighter sunshine than Joker himself. It would be unfair for him to break the promise sooner than expected.

 

Almost like a betrayal, even.

 

Seeing the boy in the blue scarf lifting a black cat in his arms, giggling when the cat licks the tip of his perfect nose and...

 

Wonwoo feels...

 

Something

 

In

 

His

 

Heart.

 

 

 

 

_“I wanna have a cat,”_ Joker says once they’re outside the cat cafe. Quite the disappointment since both of them wanted to stay longer.

 

“Same.” Wonwoo answers. “Where are we going next?”

 

There is a short silence. Wonwoo takes this as a sign that Joker is thinking about something.

 

_“Where do you want to go?”_ Joker asks, his eyes remain twinkling as he speaks, or maybe as he breathes.

 

“Wherever is preferable,” Wonwoo says. “...As long as you’re with me...” He mutters the last part, inaudible to anyone.

 

_“So as long as I’m with you, can I take you to the moon?”_ Joker chuckles, and Wonwoo blinks before realizing that Joker heard him. Fuck, that was embarrassing.

 

Wonwoo clears his throat, shuffling his hands inside his pockets. “I—If you can, that is.”

 

_“Sadly, I can’t. I can’t take you to many places.”_ Joker sighs. _“Well, you can choose wherever you wanna go.”_

Wonwoo thinks for awhile. “What time is it?”

 

_“Five.”_ Joker says.

 

“Let’s grab something to eat.” Wonwoo says.

 

...And Joker nods.

 

 

 

 

The smell of ramen fills Wonwoo’s nostrils when they come inside. The smell makes Wonwoo hungry, so he looks at Joker’s side, which has no expression. Something... Hard to read.

 

“Joker, you okay?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Sure I am, why wouldn’t I be?”_ Joker snickers. _“Whenever I come here, I just can’t finish the bowl.”_

Oh, okay. Wonwoo nods, and finds them a seat. They get the seats at the corner of the room, next to the window that shows the view of the outside world; nothing special.

 

Wonwoo orders a medium portion of tonkotsu ramen with a cup of iced lemon tea, while Joker orders a small portion of shoyu ramen and a cup of water. As they wait, Wonwoo begins to talk about himself to Joker, who’s leaning forward as if Wonwoo has his full attention (which is true).

 

He tells him about Mingyu and Seulgi. Mingyu and Seulgi are cousins, and Mingyu and Wonwoo were close friends. Wonwoo likes Seulgi, and even though Mingyu knows how much of a slut Seulgi is, he played cupid for Wonwoo and Seulgi. That’s the start of Wonwoo and Seulgi’s toxic relationship.

 

Joker eventually helped out through calls, and Wonwoo thanks Joker, who only shakes his head and says, _“I didn’t do anything. You overcame that obstacle yourself, isn’t that great?”_

“But you’re the one who helped me,” Wonwoo says. “It’s only right for me to thank you.”

 

Joker smiles bashfully.

 

“You... You really are a Joker.” Wonwoo chuckles. “You help people and make them smile like a joker would...”

 

_“Oh, you’re complementing me too much.”_ The ravenette snickers shyly. _“I don’t get that a lot, Lost.”_

 

“Well now you do. You deserve it.” Wonwoo says that without thinking, and Joker could only chuckle at that.

 

_“Thanks,”_ Joker says, _“By the way, how’s that Mingyu guy?”_

There’s a pause. “Well... I guess you could say we’re on the rocky side.”

 

_“Why did he even help you even though he knew about Seulgi’s trashiness that I’ve witnessed the other day?”_

“Who knows?” Wonwoo shrugs.

 

_“Maybe... Maybe you should talk to him. Peacefully, I mean.”_ Joker says. _“The key is communication here, Lost. As long as you can have a talk with him... Maybe it’ll be fine?”_

The thing is, Wonwoo doesn’t know if he’ll consider it or not. Either way, he nods. Shortly after, the waiter serves their food and drinks, and both boys thanked him politely.

 

When Wonwoo looks at the portions, he couldn’t help but feel... Weird. The small portion is like, a bit bigger than an instant cup ramen you can get in stores. Personally, that’s like an appetizer for him. But then, Wonwoo doesn’t say anything and they peacefully ate.

 

After several minutes, Wonwoo finished his ramen first, and Joker has barely finished half.

 

“Joker, you don’t like ramen?” Wonwoo asks, eyes filled with slight guilt and major concern.

 

Joker shakes his head frantically _, “N-no, I like ramen. It’s just that...”_

Knowing how Joker trails off, Wonwoo examines the ravenette again. From his small, bony hand covered in his sweater paws, his thin legs and generally thin frame hidden behind his oversized clothes, Wonwoo maybe knows what’s wrong with Joker. No, it’s too early to assume.

 

“You don’t have to finish it if you can’t.” Wonwoo says. “I’ll finish it for you.”

 

_“But... Are you sure? I mean, it’s basically leftovers.”_

“It’s perfectly fine, actually. I often share with my friends anyway.” Wonwoo smiles and Joker nods meekly.  So Joker places his bowl in front of Wonwoo, and he digs in after saying ‘thanks’.

 

Sooner than expected, Wonwoo finished it within 5 minutes or so. He’s pretty sure he ate is slowly, though. Or maybe there’s only little left.

 

Suddenly, a thought come across Wonwoo’s mind. Could it be... No, seriously he should stop—“Have you had breakfast and lunch before?”

 

There’s a painful silence. Wonwoo shouldn’t even ask, fuck him and his no-filtered mouth.

 

Joker shakes his head. _“I don’t eat much.”_

 

“But...Y-you’re so...” Wonwoo mumbles, unable to finish the remaining sentence. He feels like he shouldn’t press it further, since Wonwoo knows what kind of shit Joker’s been through.

 

_“I...”_ Joker purposely trails off, smiling. But it’s not his usual happy smile. The curl on his kittenish lips were different, as if it’s an I’m-sorry smile. An apologetic smile, or an I’m-so-pathetic-I’m-sorry smile.

 

“It’s okay.” Wonwoo assures him. At this point, maybe he should change the topic. “What time is it?”

 

_“Seven.”_ Joker replies.

 

“Where should we go now?” Wonwoo asks instead. He watches how Joker’s smile changes, his chin resting on top of the back of his hands.

 

_“I know a place.”_ Joker says. _“I’ll take you there.”_

“Okay. Our Utopia hasn’t ended today.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Or maybe the most fitting word is Axiom.”_ Joker chuckles.

 

“I guess I’ll need my Eve until then.”

 

_“Apologies, but the best I can give you is Joker.”_

 

By that playful sentence of him, Wonwoo can’t help but feel something again.

 

So he smiles.

 

 

 

 

“Joker, are you sure this is the place?” Wonwoo asks, already feeling scared.

 

They’re standing in front of an alleyway and the night sky with barely shining stars doesn’t help one bit. Joker smiles and gestures Wonwoo to follow him. The reason why Wonwoo is quite anxious about this is... Isn’t this kind of alleyway where a person or two gets beat up by thugs, or if worse, killed? Wonwoo swallows a lump down to his throat.

 

Wonwoo walks behind Joker.

 

The walk is short, but feels so _painfully long_ for some reasons. “Joker, you’re not gonna kill me?”

 

_“I’m not.”_ Joker chuckles.

 

The walls beside them are bricked walls, seriously a typical looking allweyway. Wonwoo reads too many mystery novels, maybe. There are trashcans before they went inside, and now Wonwoo can see the pile of garbage sacks at the other end of the alleyway. The sounds of rustling surprise Wonwoo, even Joker who immediately looks to the source of the sound.

 

An object emerges.

 

Oh, it’s just a cat.

 

Wonwoo sighs along with the ravenette. Joker chuckles nervously, _“Come on.”_

So they walk a few more steps and Wonwoo notices the rusty metal ladder on the wall on Wonwoo’s left side. The ladder seems to connect to the rooftop. Joker’s bony hands grasp the metal ladder and slowly climb up like he’s an expert.

 

When Joker is halfway up, he glances down to the ground, only to find a confused Lost. _“Come on.”_

“O—okay.”

 

 

 

It was pretty tough since Wonwoo couldn’t look upwards, so when he arrived at the rooftop, he sighs in relief. Joker doesn’t notice a thing, fixing his blue scarf around his neck and dusting off any contamination from his jacket. Wonwoo can only find that scene rather endearing.

 

“Why are we here?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Let’s make this our hideout.”_ Joker says. Wonwoo raises an eyebrow, clearly confused yet interested in what Joker said a second ago.

 

_“We’ll come here a lot. Do whatever, y’know?”_ Joker says. _“Play games, play cards, just talking, or maybe ranting, whatever.”_ He smiles as he counts with his fingers.

 

Wonwoo has a feeling he’s up to something, but he’ll follow anyways. If Joker wants Wonwoo to follow him to the end of Earth or just go to Jupiter, Wonwoo would.

 

Because he’s Joker.

 

_The_ Joker.

 

The exact Joker who tries his best to help Wonwoo.

 

“Alright. Let’s make this our hideout.” Wonwoo says. “But... What exactly _is_ this place?”

 

  _“It’s a small old apartment. It’s not used anymore, but I come here quite often.”_ Joker tells. _“You see how the floor is pretty clean? I’m the one who cleaned it.”_

Wonwoo takes a look at the floor. Still dusty, but it’s not bad. For an old apartment that seems to be not so taken care of, the floor is clean. It makes him wonder how the hell Joker could carry a bucket of water when he looks just like a twig (no offense, Wonwoo’s just worried). If Joker cleans the floor, doesn’t that mean he comes here in a daily basis? Oh, Joker already said that.

 

Joker sits on the floor and Wonwoo notices that the rooftop has no railings. Just some rusty metal pipes that are formed into something relatively similar to a fence. Even that isn’t enough to secure the whole roof.

 

But the feline ravenette sits while leaning the back of his neck against the ‘fence’ without a fear. Wonwoo’s constant screaming mind tells him that it’s dangerous—

 

_“Despite how it looks, these pipes are pretty secured.”_ Joker reassures him as if he could read Wonwoo’s mind. He sighs and joins Joker, sitting right next to him.

 

“Is this your hideout?” Wonwoo asks instead and Joker nods.

 

_“I come here whenever I need to be alone.”_ Joker says. That means he climbs the ladder in a daily basis too.

 

“Then... Why do you want me here?” Wonwoo asks again though he doesn’t mean it in a bad way.

 

Joker smiles and stands up. Turning, he rests his hands against the cold fence, though parted by his sweater paws. Leaning against the fence, Wonwoo either feels blessed or plain frightened.

 

Despite his large clothing, Wonwoo could see his body frame is a tad too small for a 21 years old man.

 

_“I just want you here. We have a lot of things in common, Lost.”_ Joker says. _“I guess I kind of want someone here with me even though I always spend time here alone.”_

“You want me to come inside your secret world?” Wonwoo asks and Joker nods. “I accept your invitation.”

 

_“Really?”_ Joker asks.

 

“Of course. Show me your colorful world, Joker.” Wonwoo says, standing up and meeting Joker’s beautiful brown orbs. “Give me a taste of your colors.”

 

_“What’s your color?”_ Joker asks.

 

Wonwoo has decided that if he were to choose a color pigment, he’ll be black since long ago. The dark shades complement him far too well. Black is the darkest color to exist in this world, absorbing all colors and light only to swallow those bright colors into black. The absolution of darkness itself.

 

Colors are like emotions, Wonwoo thinks. Yellow for happiness, red for ambition, blue for sadness and all other colors the world could have.

 

But Wonwoo’s world is black.

 

“Black.” Wonwoo answers.

 

_“Why?”_ Joker asks.

 

“It’s the darkest color to ever exist. I don’t see the light of the playful colors you always see.” Wonwoo says.

 

Perhaps Joker understands. Wonwoo doesn’t _feel_ those bright colors as if those were part of his heart. It’s like he’s in a lightless place; a dark canvas with a sole color that is black. They say that colors represent emotion and it’s probably true. But despite seeing such bright colors like yellow, pink, turquoise, heck, even white, he always see the negative side of everything.

 

Not realizing that the shining sun is in front of him now.

 

_“Blue suits you, Lost.”_ Joker says.

 

Blue?  
  
A sad color? Blue often reflects the water and water is often associated with tears. Just like in Little Mermaid where she disappears with blue surrounding her. In the sea, blue is everywhere even though water has no color. Joker may or may not be right about blue being a sad color and it suits Wonwoo.

 

_“To me, blue is a calming color.”_ Joker says. _“Whenever I see blue, I feel calm.”_

If he puts it that way, it’s like saying he feels calm whenever he sees Wonwoo. That thought alone almost made a hint of red flushing from beneath Wonwoo’s cheeks, either because of winter or his throbbing heart.

 

_“I feel calm whenever I’m with you.”_ Joker grins, a Cheshire grin forming on his pale lips.

 

“But isn’t blue a sad color?” Wonwoo asks instead, trying to hide away the red of his cheeks.

 

_“To me, it’s not.”_ Joker says.

 

“What about you?” Wonwoo asks after seconds of silence. “What’s your color?”

 

Another moment of silence brushes past them. After a few of falling snowflakes touching their warm skin and the cold wind kissing their hair, Joker answers, _“I don’t know.”_

This makes Wonwoo think; what color _is_ Joker?

 

Baby blue suits Joker well, but for some reason Wonwoo’s not so content with the feel. Yellow may be good, but the pigment doesn’t really match with Joker. Red? It’s too strong for a gentle person like him.

 

Then, as if a light bulb appears on top of his head, he says. “Violet.”

 

“Why violet?” Joker asks.

 

“It’s something like a spiritual color,” Wonwoo says. “You always answer whenever I call, no matter how late it is.”

 

Joker smiles at that.

 

“You gave me the support I’ve always needed in my life.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“If you put it that way...”_ Joker mumbles. _“It’s like today is the last day.”_

“It’s not.” Wonwoo points out. “I’m a man of my words.”

 

Joker’s smile never falters, but he tilts his head to the view of the city, neon lights shining the night that is quite beautiful at a certain angle. Joker sighs, a soft puff of air escapes his lips and evaporates to the cold air.

 

_I’ll try,_ Joker thinks. _I’ll try, Lost. I’ll try and make you take back those words._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh school can just go to hell-
> 
> Welp, thank you for reading!


	19. Day 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue and violet creates the perfect combination.

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 16]**

Lost

_Joker_

“Why are you reading that?” Wonwoo suddenly asks amidst the quiet library, albeit whispering.

 

Joker raises his eyebrows, indicating that he’s listening to him even if his eyes are locked to the thin pages of a novel he’s reading. Wonwoo knows that that book is a romance novel with some domestic abuse elements. No, it’s not about a toxic and abusive relationship. The main character was abused by her parents and encounters a boy who had been through the same thing like her. In short, they became friends and then lovers.

 

Wonwoo’s not really fond of books that include domestic violence, since it makes him feel a bit triggered.

 

_“Are we heading to a deep conversation?”_

“Possibly. Depends on your answer.”

 

That makes Joker close the novel but with his index finger inside to indicate which page he’s in. He leans forward, crossing his arms on the table either to get his attention to Wonwoo or that’s just his habit. Pretty nice that Joker sits across Wonwoo.

 

_“It’s like... I’m not the only one who’s been through shit, Lost. Reading these kind of novels about domestic violence, child abuse, even rape, it makes me realize that I’m not alone even though I’ll feel like shit after reading. I mean... If people can withstand that much pain, then..._ I _should be able to withstand it too.”_

_“I don’t know if that sounded ignorant or something but... I just can’t really express it. I don’t read angsty stuff for nothing, y’know?”_

Wonwoo kind of understand what Joker mean. Maybe. If there are hundreds—possibly _thousands_ or _millions—_ of people who went through such abuse, then there are more people who went through _much worse._ But Wonwoo doesn’t have to go so far; Joker, the one sitting across him is enough.

 

Joker.

 

Wonwoo doesn’t want to remember much, but Wonwoo’s mom left him with the person he feared the most in his life all _alone_ when he was in his second year of junior high _._ When Wonwoo was a kid, he was bullied and kids at his elementary school often called him names. At home, his dad drank for God knows how much. His dad often made him buy alcohol and that was the only reason why Wonwoo understood types of alcohol (even their percentages) during elementary to junior high school.

 

His dad wasn’t so... Abusive, but it hurt. Wonwoo was lonely. The person he supposed to need in his life never looked at him like a human being—like a _son._ His dad only looked at Wonwoo with lazy eyes and barely spoke with him. When his dad gave Wonwoo some money at evening, it was so the poor little boy would buy him some alcohol.

 

His mom couldn’t do anything. His mom could only try to become a good mother to Wonwoo, but it wasn’t enough to make his loneliness go away. In the end, he couldn’t really ask her advice since he knew he couldn’t execute his mom’s advices. He couldn’t even tell her his problems, because his mom would come home with an exhausted look every day.

 

Until he thought; _Mom and I should just leave this place._

He didn’t need his mom’s money to buy him lunch. He didn’t need to see her trying to cook a decent meal for Wonwoo even though both of them knew that cost more money than canned food. No, they weren’t poor. It’s just that... What could they do when the supposedly father of the family kept wasting that money with alcohol? If they hid it, his mom would get hit. Or worse, Wonwoo would get hit too.

 

He didn’t need those healthy lunch or pocket money or nice clothes or anything else. He just wanted to leave that house with his mom and nothing else.

 

His wish did come true. But only half of it.

 

Yes, his mom left. But only her. He understood. He understood that his mom couldn’t afford to have another mouth to feed when she herself didn’t have a stable job. He got that. He really did. But...

 

He still resent her. Until now.

 

She just... Left. Without saying another word other than ‘I should’ve never married your father’.

 

The moment she stepped out of the front door, carrying her luggage, the picture of a ‘family’ crumbled into dust in Wonwoo’s eyes.

 

_“Lost? You’ve been spacing out.”_ Joker points out.

 

In Joker’s eyes, Wonwoo is imperfect. But his imperfections made Wonwoo as _himself._

“Oh, it’s okay.” Wonwoo says. “Is it your coping mechanism?”

 

_“It? Reading these angsty novels?”_

 

Wonwoo nods.

 

_“I guess you could say that.”_

With that, a peaceful silence engulfs them.

 

 

 

After three hours of staying inside the warm, cozy library, they decided to go to their next destination. Like usual, Wonwoo doesn’t know where Joker is going to take him. Passing by the usual never-ending flow of people around the streets, Wonwoo keeps his attention on Joker.

 

“Where are we going next?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Do you like art galleries?”_ Joker asks back. Quite the habit, it seems.

 

Come to think of it, he never went to an art gallery before. The closest thing to an art gallery for him is a historical museum and Wonwoo knows that a museum is nothing similar to an art gallery. Well, he meant the historical paintings or photos hung inside those museums.

 

“I’ve never went to a gallery before.” Wonwoo admits.

 

_“There’s an art gallery I know.”_ Joker says. _“Wanna come with?”_

 

Does Joker have to ask? “Sure.” Wonwoo affirms.

 

 

 

Entering the art gallery with the walls painted in white, Wonwoo is stunned at the objects inside. The boring white walls are decorated with paintings that deserve a lot of praises. Wonwoo especially loves those aesthetical landscape paintings.

 

When he looks at those, he feels like he’s in a different world.

 

The art gallery somehow looks a bit like a maze. When Wonwoo looks to his right, expecting Joker to be there, he’s not. Wonwoo looks at other directions, only to find the beautiful paintings here and there.

 

_“Lost, come here!”_ Joker whisper-yells. Wonwoo immediately looks to the source of the voice, finding Joker’s small frame hidden behind a wall with a painting of a black swan in a blue lake.

 

Joker is gesturing Wonwoo to come over with his hand, and Wonwoo walks toward him. With a curious look on his face, he asked, “Something the matter?”

 

But Joker doesn’t say. He simply pointed at a painting in front of him. Wonwoo looks at the painting after standing close to Joker.

 

A painting of a beautiful field with a bright moon in the distance. The field reflects the constellation of the blue and violet sky with clouds along with the full moon as the center, like a mirror. No, the painting’s concept _is_ a mirror. The field makes it look like a mirror. The more Wonwoo looks at the painting, the more fascinating the painting looks.

 

The colors; blue and violet.

 

The mirror-like concept.

 

The constellations.

 

The full moon.

 

Even the name of this painting is ‘Reflection (Mirror Night)’.

 

It may seem like a simple painting. Heck, it may even look like the painting is nothing special, compared to other pieces of art inside this very gallery.

 

But this one particular painting feels like... Something more.

 

“It’s blue and violet,” Wonwoo suddenly says.

 

_“And it’s a reflection.”_ Joker says.

 

Wonwoo looks at Joker, only to see him having that Cheshire grin and eyes turning into small crescents. Even the light wrinkles around his eyes are so adorable to see. His smile, _his smile,_ looks so pure it sickens Wonwoo to think that Joker didn’t have the best childhood in the world. Because, why would God be so cruel to let—or _make—_ Joker to suffer when he was still a kid? Or maybe, even in the present time?

 

_“How do you feel about this painting?”_ Joker asks.

 

“It’s like... the painting is about us.” Wonwoo says. “If you say that I’m blue, then I’m blue.”

 

_“And I’m violet, right?”_ Joker grins.

 

“Yeah.” Wonwoo smirks.

 

To Wonwoo, Joker is the moon.

 

Although the moon’s light is dim, it still shines the dark night, making the night sky doesn’t seem so lonely after all. Wonwoo’s sky had always been black with no light to shine his ‘day’. But ever since he met Joker, he slowly paints Wonwoo’s sky into blue.

 

But Wonwoo doesn’t want blue.

 

He wants his sky to be _violet_.

 

But then again, blue and violet are next to each other in the color wheel. Violet still has shades of blue. Even if those two colors aren’t supposed to blend, it doesn’t mean that blue and violet can’t be together. Just like that painting of a blue and violet sky that would remain eternal; Wonwoo wants him and Joker to be to—

 

No.

 

He can’t.

 

He... He simply can’t.

 

He doesn’t have the willpower to look forward to a violet sky. He can’t look forward for his future to be written anew, as bright as the flourishing sun. He can’t see his sky to be painted in violet for eternity. He can’t make his ocean of emotions into blue when it’s been black all the time. He can’t.

 

The inner _black_ in his heart is screaming at him. For a split second, he feels like the world is crashing around him as an _unknown black creature_ breathes in every color in this gallery and screams Wonwoo’s name as if it’s cursing Wonwoo’s already ugly existence. Wonwoo’s eyes wander, only to see his vision blurry. The paintings and statues and other things inside this gallery became... Grey. Just like a Polaroid camera.

 

His heart is throbbing as his neck burns.

 

But then, he feels a pair of warm, slim hands touching his face. Wonwoo doesn’t realize when tears had streamed down his cheeks. A ravenette boy is in front of him, brushing Wonwoo’s cheeks with his thumbs gently.

 

Violet.

 

The ravenette only smiles. His usual understanding and gentle smile.

 

_“Let’s get back, shall we?”_

 

Beautiful.

 

He’s the only person who thinks Wonwoo as blue. In his eyes, Wonwoo is perfect. The Wonwoo—no, the Jeon Lost Wonwoo that Joker knows, is a man whose color is blue. He doesn’t see Jeon Lost Wonwoo as grey or black. At this moment, Wonwoo truly realize their sole color that people don’t think of; are blue and violet. Two colors that are next to each other in the color wheel, but not being able to make the perfectly balanced color. If mixed, there would be more of Wonwoo and less of Joker, but Wonwoo would change that mixed color so it would be vey less of Wonwoo and more of Joker.

 

What did he mean by that? His _thirty one days._

 

Dismissing the thoughts, Wonwoo nods after his tears stop.

 

 

 

In the end, Joker takes Wonwoo back to his hotel out of Wonwoo’s request.

 

They have to use the elevator since Wonwoo’s room is in the fifth floor, room 526. When they arrive in front of his room’s door, Wonwoo slides in the key card to the card reader and opens the door, Joker trailing behind him.

 

When Wonwoo looks to the window, the sky is quite dark since it’s already evening. It’s already 05.30 pm without them noticing. Oh right, they first went to the library at 12 o’clock, spending three hours there and another hour in the art gallery when Wonwoo suddenly cried.

 

Thinking about it now, it’s embarrassing.

 

Why would he cry when he’s with Joker? Wonwoo turns, only to see Joker sitting on top of the single bed so comfortably.

 

_“Something you wanna ask me?”_ Joker asks, tilting his head to the side a bit, making his cheek drown under his blue scarf.

 

“You’re... Not gonna ask what happened?” Wonwoo looks down to anywhere but Joker’s eyes.

 

_“I’m not gonna ask. Unless if you want to talk about it?”_ Joker says, the last sentence coming out as a query.

 

But Wonwoo stays silent. He sits next to Joker, dropping his weight to the soft mattress. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes.

 

“Can you... Talk?” Wonwoo asks hesitantly without opening his eyes.

 

_“Why?”_ Joker asks back.

 

“It’s... It’s kinda comforting.” Wonwoo says. True enough. There’s something addicting about Joker’s voice, so sweet yet a tiny bit breathy but in a good way. Could it be because of the cold?

 

_“To be, or not to be: that is the question:_ _Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; to sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause: there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life; for who would bear the whips and scorns of time... I forgot the rest.”_

“Hamlet?” Wonwoo questions. “It’s amazing that you remember that long ass speech.”

 

_“I recite a few Shakespeare quotes at night just so I can tease my friend about it.”_ Joker giggles.

 

“That’s impressive.” Wonwoo scoffs.

 

_“Want me to do it again?”_ Joker asks.

 

“Sure.” Wonwoo says, resting the back of his hand on the bridge of his nose.

 

_“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,_ _creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”_

 

“Seriously, that’s impressive.” Wonwoo says.

 

Joker smiles and then drops to the mattress as well. At this point, Wonwoo feels like he’s known Joker since forever. Well... People don’t just lie next to each other on a bed, right? Even if they have the same gender, right? Unless if it’s some one-night stand, which is impossible for Joker and Wonwoo, right?

 

_“Go to sleep, Lost.”_ Joker says.

 

For some reason, he doesn’t want Joker to go.

 

“You don’t have classes today?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Yeah, I don’t. I’m lucky that I don’t have any classes every Monday and Friday. From Tuesday till Thursday, I only have morning classes but all of them are hell.”_

 

“Luck is on your side, man.”

 

_“Indeed!”_ Joker giggles.

 

Wonwoo smirks, but then he feels his eyelids are heavy from crying even though it was just for a bit. Or maybe it’s because of Joker’s calming presence, Wonwoo feels sleepy.

 

Joker quickly gets up from the bed and walks towards the door, only to turn off the lights and return to the bed again. The only light inside the room comes from that lamp on the small nightstand beside the bed. Joker drops his body to the bed like before and Wonwoo mutters a ‘thanks’.

 

_“Do you want me to stay or no?”_ Joker asks.

 

“Can you... Can you stay?” Wonwoo asks. “Well, it’s okay if you don’t want to. I just thought it’d be nice if you’re here but I’d understand it’s not so appropriate for you—“

 

_“Just shut up and get some sleep, Lost.”_ Joker interjects. “Get some sleep and let’s go out again tomorrow. Tomorrow’s Saturday after all.”

 

With that, Wonwoo nods and quickly drifts off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hELLO thank you for reading until this far! In all honesty, I never expected that the hits would reach 1000+ and i thank you for that ^^
> 
> Also, that one particular painting's title is taken from V.K's 'Reflection (Mirror Night)'. If you played Deemo, I'm sure y'all know that song. 
> 
> Fun fact; I got inspired to write this chapter after playing 'Gris', an artistic puzzle platformer game that I recommend to anyone who loves games
> 
> Should I change the rating to M? I think I should


	20. Day 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Words are enough to change a person's color, Joker. Words can make us feel colors without the presence of a canvas."

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 17]**

Lost

_Joker_

_ Other characters _

__

__

_ “Wake up, Sunshine.”  _ _His mother says, voice ringing softly upon the young boy’s ears like a lullaby. His head is on the lady in a white dress’ lap, the wind kissing Wonwoo’s skin and brushes pass the lady in white’s long black hair._

_Wonwoo opens his eyes, meeting his mother’s beautiful orbs. Despite the beauty those eyes hold within, he can’t sense the warmth that_ should _be there. Instead, he sees nothing. Hollow. Void of emotions despite the slight upward curl on her lips._

_Wonwoo wants to speak, but he can’t hear his own voice. He can’t feel the slight vibrations around his throat as he tries to speak. It’s... It’s the same like he can’t talk._

_Wonwoo gets up, leaving his mother’s lap. He sits next to her, a curious look is etched on his face. His mother doesn’t say anything; rather, there is a happy air about her. That is the exact moment that he notices the blue flowers around them. Wonwoo doesn’t know those flowers’ name, though._

_The lady in a white dress—his mother is still smiling. “Wonwoo-yah, why don’t you just jump over a building?” _

_That question catches Wonwoo off-guard._

_ “Humans’ most precious gift given by God is ‘life’, yet you’re too ‘black’ to achieve His blissful gift. You’re too dark for such a bright, joyous gift that God could ever give you. If only you never breathed in this world, someone could’ve just take your place and be a better human being than you.” _

__

_Wonwoo knows that._

_He also thinks that he shouldn’t have been born._

_He’s just a worthless ‘human’ worth nothing but dirt. No, even dirt is more valuable than him._

_But... Hearing it from his mother, it hurt. It’s like his mother is stabbing him in the heart with a sharp blade, slowly pushing inside to destroy the insides of his ribcage. It hurt so bad._

_But as much as Wonwoo wants to say something, his voice vanishes into thin air, leaving not a single sound left from his lips._

_ “Nobody wants you here, Wonwoo.”  _ _His mother says. “Mingyu, Seulgi, your dad, your classmates, Taehyung, Soonyoung, Jihoon, heck, even that precious little Joker of yours that you trust with all of your life would’ve even wanted you to just die.”_

_Shut up._

_She doesn’t... She doesn’t understand._

_ “You’re a burden to him, Wonwoo-yah. And I never taught you to be a burden to anyone else...”  _ _His mother trails off a bit. “But then again, you’ve always been a burden to me since you were a kid.”_

__

_No._

_It wasn’t Wonwoo’s wish to be born in this world. In a way, humans never really prayed to be born in this god forsaken world. Nobody asked to live. Nobody asked to be born. It was all Fate. Besides, his mother and father were the ones who created him, why would she blame Wonwoo for something he had no control of?_

_But in a sense,_

_Maybe she’s right._

_Within a few seconds, blue colored butterflies rests on the green grass. Once blue wings, turns to mirrors in a flash. The mirrors, oh the mirrors, displays Wonwoo’s memories like a film. Wonwoo gasps, looking here and there towards the butterflies in panic._

_Joker._

_His memories with Joker._

_The lady in a white dress smiles, her hand cupping one of the butterfly with both of her hands and brought it in front of her chest. Without further warning,_

_She crushes the butterfly with her bare hands._

_She throws it away. That crushed butterfly looks like shredded glass, glimmering under the sunshine. When those glimmering shards of glass hit the ground, it becomes black. Before Wonwoo could react, she picks the blue flower from the ground._

_ “Blue doesn’t suit you.”  _ _His mother says, kissing the flower and Wonwoo’s eyes widen in horror._

_In a second, everything becomes grey, including that single flower in his mother’s hand. Everything that had color, all seems like the colors washed away, leaving only grey._

_Blue._

_His color._

_Washed away._

_ “You’re better off black.” _

__

_In a split second, his mother turns into a black silhouette, melting like water to the ground, causing everything to become black once again. Wonwoo has never feared ‘to become black’ before. He once placed the concept upon himself, discarding every color in his own heart but black._

_But now he wants blue._

_Only blue and nothing else._

_‘Wake up.’_

_When Wonwoo opens his eyes, he’s hyperaware that his breathing is ragged; his sense of touch becomes dead. Dropping to his knees, exhausted, he looks around, finding himself near a cliff’s edge. The scenery around him is grey, just like an old film in the 40s. His track of time is lost, he doesn’t know if it’s morning, noon or evening. He blinks, only to find a total black silhouette of a man dressed just like Wonwoo. Or... That’s another Wonwoo._

_The silhouette opens his mouth, showing—nothing. Not a single tooth is there, not even a tongue or gums. Nothing but white._

_ “You want this, don’t you?”  _ _The figure asks, his voice is deep, exactly like Wonwoo’s. “Look at me, okay? Look at me.”_

__

_The silhouette laughs, stepping backwards, closer and closer to the end of the cliff. The silhouette’s arms rise to his sides, looking like a crucified figure._

_ “You wanted this.”  _ _The silhouette says again. “Didn’t you promise? You’ll end this after the next two weeks. You promised yourself, and him.”_

__

_That’s..._

_That’s right..._

_Wonwoo had made a promise._

_That he’ll—_

_“Don’t listen to him,” His voice is familiar, sweet and warm, coming from behind him. All Wonwoo knows next is, two hands are shielding his eyes from behind. Succumbing to the warm darkness, he lets himself to sigh._

_“Everything can be changed,” The man whispers. “You’re colorful, unlike that man.”_

_Colorful..._

_“I want you to wake up,” The man says again, but when he says Wonwoo’s name, it results a glitch-like sound, making Wonwoo can’t even hear his own name when that man said it._

_‘Wake up.’_

__

When Wonwoo wakes up, he’s met with the eyes of total warmth a bit covered beneath black bangs. Wonwoo’s eyelids slide up and down, breathing a bit faster than normal, trying to process what happened when he was asleep. His back is against the bed, just like how he slept last night. Right there he realized that his scarf isn’t around his neck.

 

A warm hand touches his forehead, brushing off Wonwoo’s brownish-silver bangs away from his skin. His fingers brushing Wonwoo’s hair ever so gently, making Wonwoo feel at ease.

 

Wonwoo feels like he could get a heart attack any moment.

 

Right at that moment, he sees violet.

 

_“Are you okay?”_

Warm.

 

Wonwoo’s vision blurs, only to feel tears streaming down his face. Joker looks slightly confused on top of him, but Wonwoo pulls the boy by the nape gently, making his head rest on Wonwoo’s shoulder.

 

_“L-Lost?”_ Joker says, flustered.

 

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything else. His arm is simply around Joker’s shoulder while his other hand is on the back of Joker’s head, keeping him in place. Wonwoo holds him like that so Joker wouldn’t need to see him crying again, even though he knows Joker saw him a few times. It’s like Wonwoo’s protecting a bit of his pride.

 

Joker seems to give up, resting on Wonwoo’s body comfortably as if Lost Wonwoo is a comfortable pillow. Joker questions no more, letting Wonwoo hold him like that.

 

_“Bad dream?”_ Joker asks after a moment of silence.

 

“Y-yeah... I’m sorry for this.” Wonwoo mutters.

 

_“There’s no need to apologize, Wonwoo.”_ Joker says.

 

“This... Isn’t a dream?” Wonwoo asks, voice still trembling and a bit hoarse.

 

Wonwoo can feel Joker smiling, _“It’s not.”_

 

_“I’m right here.”_

After Wonwoo’s sudden tears, they decided to not go anywhere and hang out at Wonwoo’s hotel room. Joker looks to the window, colored like ice because of the cold weather of December. Joker touches the glass, finger twitching from the low temperature. Wonwoo steps to Joker’s side, admiring the way his eyes shine beneath his lashes, his lips parting just a tad and Wonwoo truly wants to take his camera and treasure that view for the rest of his...

 

Life?

 

_“Wonwoo, you’ve been spacing out a lot.”_ Joker points out.

 

“Oh,” Wonwoo replies absentmindedly. “I... I guess so?”

 

_“You’re not very good at keeping your emotions hidden under that face of yours, huh?”_ Joker asks, head tilting to the side a bit, withdrawing his finger from the cold glass.

 

Wonwoo doesn’t answer.

 

Thinking back when he’s in campus, he thinks that he’s pretty good at faking his smile and controlling his emotions. Wonwoo knew how to act around people, even his own ‘friends’. He knew he should act this way or that way, and he does what he believes is right. Maybe because of his acting, nobody really knows the _real_ him beneath those layers of facade Wonwoo built.

 

_“Or am I just too smart?”_ Joker asks again.

 

Maybe so.

 

_“Or maybe you feel like you can open up to me so much since I’m your helpline?”_ Joker questions again.

 

...

 

Wonwoo’s eyes met Joker’s, only to find him having a blank look. Before Wonwoo could say anything, Joker’s lips forms a childish Cheshire grin, showing his cute bunny teeth and Wonwoo wants to do nothing but pinch his cheeks after he heard a childish giggle from Joker’s mouth. Wonwoo doesn’t know if it’s an _aegyo_ or maybe that’s just how Joker is, but Wonwoo’s sure as hell likes it.

 

_“Cat got your tongue?”_ Joker teases.

 

“Actually, no.” Wonwoo says, taking a step closer. “I can open up to you like this because... You’re Joker.”

 

_“Am I just a Joker?”_ The ravenette asks.

 

“More than just a Joker.” Wonwoo answers. “You’re you. You’re great the way you are.”

 

A short silence fills them up.

 

“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?” Wonwoo teases back, smirking.

 

Joker blinks, his grin disappears so suddenly. Wonwoo simply looks at him, but then Joker barks a laugh at his face, covering his mouth with his hand as he lets out a melodious laugh.

 

After a while of laughing together with him, it brings Wonwoo a sense of... Completion. He doesn’t have to smile all the time. He doesn’t have to fake his emotions. He doesn’t have to. He doesn’t have to try and become perfect. The more you try to make something perfect, the more likely you’d fuck up either in the process or in the end. Because in Joker’s eyes, Wonwoo is a great person. There are some broken parts of Wonwoo, but Joker still thinks he’s a great person.

 

Joker is the first to see that.

 

And he would be the last.

 

_“I guess you’re the first person I can have such a spiritual conversation with.”_ Joker says. _“Even my best friend gets a bit confused.”_

 

Lost is the only one who can make Joker stumble upon his words. Wonwoo smiles, proud of himself just a tad.

 

“A spiritual conversation... I wonder when my definition of ‘spiritual’ changed so suddenly.”

 

_“When you first made me violet?”_ Joker asks. _“You seem to like violet and blue so much, I’m not even kidding.”_

 

Well, shouldn’t that be obvious?

 

_“You were so black, I’m glad you’re blue now.”_

In all honesty, Wonwoo is glad too.

 

But that doesn’t mean his blue is overpowering his black.

 

“Words are enough to change a person’s color, Joker.” Wonwoo says. “Words can make us feel colors without the presence of a canvas.”

 

_“That’s deep.”_ Joker smirks. _“Then... Am I more violet than before?”_ The sentence comes in a form of a mumble, almost inaudible.

 

“Huh?” Wonwoo swears he could hear Joker, but the words feel off in his head.

 

_“It’s nothing.”_ Joker says. _“Say, do you wanna go somewhere today?”_

 

“Well... Let’s just take a break here. We can go somewhere tomorrow morning.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Sure thing, Lost. I’ll tell my mom that I’m staying here again. Well, if that's fine by you?"_

 

"You're welcome here anytime."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thx for reading!
> 
> Again, inspired by Gris and I fell in love with that game since I played it for the first time


	21. Day 18 - Bad Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hypocrite is when someone doesn't follow their own words, right? If so, is the black-haired boy a hypocrite?

**31 Days**

**[Day 18 – Bad Dream]**

Lost

_Joker_

Other characters

**__ **

**__ **

 

Wonwoo wakes up in the afternoon that only greets him with emptiness. The hotel room is quiet, far too quiet like there’s no-one there. Wonwoo’s body shifts to the side, only to find a paper on top of the soft matress.

 

_My mom suddenly called, so I gotta leave first. Let’s meet up in 5 pm at the library so don’t be such a sleepyhead and meet me there, kay? Call me when you’re there!_

Holy crap. Did Wonwoo just sleep so goddamn soundly to the point of Joker leaving a note and all? Well, it’s not a problem. Just kinda... Awkward?

 

Wonwoo sighs, gets up, and searches up a new set of clothes in his luggage bag. After picking some nice things to wear, he changes his clothes right there.

 

Now, he’s wearing a white turtleneck sweater underneath a warm brown coat and another pair of dark jeans plus some grey socks. His red scarf is tied around his neck rather lazily but it still looks quite good. Not like Joker’s Parisian knot, though.

 

He gathers his phone and wallet (aka two things that are the source of his life), and went outside. He knows it’s still 1 pm, but making a call wouldn’t hurt, right?

 

**[01.12 pm]**

_You’re you. You’re great the way you are._

Joker’s eyes are locked to his reflection in the bathroom. His torso is bare, wearing nothing but his slacks he wore since yesterday. Too lazy to change pants, anyway. His hand touches the cold mirror, his messy black bangs covering his eyes just a bit.

 

Pursing his lips, he closes his eyes and breathes out. Looking at his reflection again, he furrows his eyebrows. Looking at his body, he clenches his right fist that was touching the mirror. A second later, he raises his fist.

 

His arm moves just like he wanted, aiming for the already cracked mirror that’s been hit over and over again but not to the point of breaking to pieces.

 

_You’re you. You’re great the way you are._

His hand stops only a few millimeters against the mirror. Right now, right _fucking_ now, he’s not the Joker that Wonwoo looks up to. He’s not the Joker that Wonwoo usually smiles to, or laughs to, or... Or cries to. He’s not the Joker who gives advices to Wonwoo or the Joker who would do anything for Wonwoo. He’s just... He’s not the Joker Wonwoo knows.

 

Right now, at this moment,

 

He’s Joshua.

 

Not Joker, but _Joshua._

But... He’s not sure whether he’s Joker or Joshua. He doesn’t know what he should call himself as. Both Joker and Joshua have two different personalities, despite being in the same body as a broken, ugly Korean boy who was born in America. He looks to his right wrist, too small and looks so _fragile,_ it could break at any second. Barely any flesh, and his pale skin doesn’t help at all.

 

He swallows the lump in his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. Removing his hand from the mirror, he takes a deep breath and exhales. Despite how his body looks, he still couldn’t bring himself to eat the meals his step-mom makes him. Even though he barely touches the food she makes, she still cooks him delicious food with an understanding smile on her face.

 

_“I’m sorry.”_ He says to his two mothers. One, his biological late mother and two, his step-mother who’s currently cooking him breakfast despite the established fact that he’d most likely won’t eat more than a spoonful. 

 

Joker—no, _Joshua—_ steps out of the bathroom. Entering his own room near the bathroom, he puts on some warm clothes since he gets cold too easily. He wears a white sweater underneath a baby blue coat and dark slacks. He wraps his usual blue scarf and ties it in a Parisian knot too. After pulling his black socks on, he grabs his phone and wallet and heads to the lower floor.

 

When the smell of fresh omelets hit his nostrils, he badly wanted to tell his step-mother to not cook him anything at all. He _knows_ she’ll make Joshua something to eat even though she _knows_ he wouldn’t even touch the plate if she doesn’t tell him to take _‘at least a bite’_. He came home when Wonwoo was sleeping just because he had a foolish nightmare.

 

“Soo-yah, lunch’s ready!” 

Joshua reluctantly goes downstairs.

 

His step-father, Hyunsik, sits in the dining table like usual with his newspaper. His step-mother, Eunji, cleans the dirty dishes like usual. This routine is so very usual, but Joshua has never been so used to this. It’s so... Peaceful.

 

Does he even deserve this?

 

_You’re you. You’re great the way you are._

He noticed how Wonwoo used the word ‘great’ instead of ‘perfect’. _Perfect_ means something without a single flaw. There’s no way a _perfect_ human exist in this world. A _human._ Because nobody is _perfect,_ no matter how perfect _Joker_ seems to be in Wonwoo’s eyes, he still uses the word ‘great’.

 

Because _Joshua_ is still here.

 

The _Joshua_ that he hates. The _Joshua_ that he wants to kill. Like the ultimate boss in video games, one that seems impossible to kill. The _Joshua_ he hates is like that. A boss that he can’t defeat no matter how strong his equipments are.

 

_You’re you. You’re great the way you are._

Who is ‘ _you’?_ Who did Wonwoo meant by _‘you’?_ Not Joshua. Maybe not Joker? Who the hell knows except for Wonwoo himself? Joshua scoffs to himself, reminding himself that Joker exists only for Wonwoo and the people who need him.

 

Such a hypocrite.

 

_Joker_ is such a hypocrite.

 

Just when he takes a seat, his phone buzzed. Checking the number, he accepts the call and raises his phone to his ear.

 

It’s Wonwoo. After a few seconds, Wonwoo wants to meet up at their hideout aka the rooftop of the old small apartment. The ravenette personally doesn’t mind, but if they go there then it’s most likely for a serious talk. He doesn’t mind, so they agree to just meet up there in an hour.

 

But Joshua being Joshua, he would probably go there first right now even though he practically has an hour to get ready. Looking at the small bowl of onion soup, Joshua is sure that he wouldn’t be able to finish it. Mr. Hyunsik looks at Joshua after placing down his newspaper, “Kid, at least a bite.”

Like magic words, Joshua falls to the spell and reluctantly takes a spoonful of it. Bringing it to his mouth, it’s delicious. Delicious like ever. But for some reason, he can’t really bring himself to eat whatever food his step-mom cooks. Mr. Hyunsik looks stern, but is in fact gentle. Joshua swallows the food that was in his mouth and places the spoon on the table. Mr. Hyunsik smiles weakly, and Joshua stands up, placing his phone to his pocket.

 

_“Um, I’ll be going.”_ Joshua says.

 

“Where are you going?” Mr. Hyunsik asks.

 

_“I’m gonna meet a friend of mine.”_

“Oh, you’ve been hanging out with someone lately,” Mrs. Eunji points out. “Your girlfriend?”

 

_“Oh, no, it’s not my girlfriend. Just a male friend.”_

“Oh, I see.” Mrs. Eunji smiles. “You should invite him over at some time!”

 

Joshua smiles and nods, waving his hand a bit as he takes his leave from the dining table, hearing a ‘have a safe trip’ from both of his step-parents. Slipping his feet to his white shoes, he exits the house. He takes a breath of the cold air, placing on his _Joker_ mask as he prepares himself to meet up with Lost again.

 

 

 

*

Wonwoo climbs the ladder, deciding to arrive there early even if he has 30 minutes to spend. But when he arrives at the rooftop, he sees Joker sitting on the floor, back facing the metal railings. His knees are in front of his chest, arms circling his knees. His head is rested on his arms comfortably, but Wonwoo feels like something’s wrong.

 

He’s shivering.

 

Wonwoo slowly walks towards him, sitting right next to the ravenette who still hasn’t looked to Wonwoo at all. His small frame is shivering, and Wonwoo doesn’t have the heart to ignore him. Wonwoo slips off his brown coat and gives it to Joker. Joker lifts his head, looking at Wonwoo in confusion. He nudges Joker to take it, which he did.

 

_“Thanks.”_ Joker smiles, accepting the offered coat and places it on top of his knees, covering his hands too.

 

"When did you come here?" Wonwoo asks.

 

_"Thirty minutes ago."_ Joker says.

 

Wonwoo raises his eyebrow. "So you're telling me you waited here, shivering, since thirty minutes ago?"

 

Joker doesn't say anything, just sighing softly that doesn't particularly mean anything.

 

“What’s wrong?” Wonwoo asks. “You... You seem weird.”

 

Joker’s smile falters, but a thin, tired smile still remains. He sighs again, creating a soft puff of air escape his pale lips. Turning his head to his covered knees, he takes a deep breath.

 

_“I... I didn’t leave you from the hotel just because my mom had to check up on me.”_ Joker confesses.  _"I'm sorry I lied."_

 

“In all honesty, I’ve thought about that on the way here.”

 

Joker chuckles emptily. _“I had a dream.”_

 

“What is it about?”

 

  _“I dreamt about being locked inside a small room.”_ He says in a soft voice. _“I... I was sitting on the floor and I saw a silhouette. It looked just like my father.”_

 

“Your father... As in, biological father?”

 

Joker nods. _“He cursed at me. Called me names, hit me, kicked me and strangled me. T-that happened in... Real life too. I wanted to run away but I... I couldn’t. I couldn’t even move and... He kept doing those things.”_

 

_“But then I... I woke up. My first instinct was to—to go home. That’s why I quickly wrote a note and randomly wrote 5 o’clock.”_ He takes a shaky breath.

 

“It’s okay, take it easy.” Wonwoo says.

 

Joker nods again. _“So... I came back home, went to the bathroom and... I threw up.”_

 

“When was that?” Wonwoo asks. “Are you... Alright now?”

 

_“I threw up at... 9 am? I went back to my house around that hour.”_

 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Wonwoo asks in deep concern. “When I had a nightmare, you woke me up and I even... I even cried.”

 

Joker has no say in that.

 

He sighs again, tilting his head to the sky.

 

_“I didn’t want you to wake up just to see me so... Pathetic like that. Besides, I guess I kinda needed some time?”_ Joker chuckles. He rests his chin on his knees again, a small curl stays on his kittenish lips.

 

_“I was so—“_ , he breathes out as if chuckling with no sound. _“I was so fucking_ scared _. I... I didn’t really know if I should’ve wake you up or not.”_

 

Wonwoo chews his lower lip, contemplating to ask _that_ question or not. If... If he asked, what would happen? But if he doesn’t, he won’t be able to sleep at night, especially after knowing that something happened to Joker.

 

...Come to think of it, Joker hasn’t shown Wonwoo the true _him._ Wonwoo opens his mouth, wanting to say something but when Joker looks at him in the eye, Wonwoo immediately shuts his mouth, eyes wandering to anywhere _but_ him.

 

But then Wonwoo gives up. “Joker, are you...” He pauses. “Anorexic?” He whispers the last word, evidently hesitant.

 

_“Eh?”_ Joker blinks. But then he bursts into giggles, _“I look like that?”_

 

“So... Are you?”

 

_“I don’t think so.”_ Joker says. _“I... I have my reasons to... Y’know, restrict my meals or vomiting, by... Purpose.”_ He says, forcing a smile. _“I guess I overdid it.”_

 

“It’s... It’s not a laughing matter.” Wonwoo says.

 

Joker’s eyes widen. But he blinks afterwards, only to smile again. But his smile isn’t his usual, happy one. It’s his I’m-so-pathetic-I’m-sorry smile. _“I’m such a hypocrite, am I?”_

 

Wonwoo falls silent for a bit. He opens his mouth, “Yes, you are.”

 

Joker’s expression doesn’t falter. But before he could make a comment about anything, Wonwoo opens his mouth again. “But sometimes, it’s not really a bad thing.”

 

_“What do you mean?”_ Joker asks.

 

“A hypocrite is someone who doesn’t follow their words, right? Let’s say you keep giving me some good advices, but you don’t really take them for yourself. If it’s like that, then don’t you think that hypocrites are actually quite selfless? Like you, you’re too busy focusing on giving advices to _me,_ you forgot to care about _yourself_.”

 

_“And... Is that a good thing?”_

 

“Sometimes.” Wonwoo says. “But this time, it’s _not_.” He leans closer to Joker, locking his eyes with his. “I want you to lean on me more.”

 

“If it’s the two of us, it wouldn’t be so scary, right?”

 

Silence engulfs them like a soft, thin blanket on top of their heads. It’s not a silence filled with tension, but a silence filled with contentment and despite the cold weather of December’s snow, it feels oddly warm.

 

Wonwoo’s heart drops when he hears a sniff from Joker. His mouth is agape, shocked to see Joker’s head hung low as small tears drops to Wonwoo’s coat.

 

“Joker?” Wonwoo calls.

 

_“Are you...”_ Joker mumbles between his soft sobs. _“Are you willing to a-accept me for who I am?”_

 

Of course he would. Wonwoo would. He would be more than glad for Joker to open up to him, just like how Wonwoo opens up to him. He wants to see Joshua. The other side of Joker. He wants to see every sides of the ravenette that he could possibly have. Before his 31 days ending.

 

“I am.” Wonwoo says. “I’m more than just willing to.”

 

_“Promise?”_ Joker asks.

 

“Promise.” Wonwoo says again.

 

Joker stops crying at that as he wipes away his tears with his sleeve. He flashes Wonwoo a smile that is brighter than the sun, Wonwoo feels his heart skipped a beat. He ends up smiling too, enjoying their moment together even more. 

 

_“You promised!”_ Joker grins, his usual Cheshire grin forms on his lips with his eyes turning into crescents. _“There’s no turning back now!”_

 

“Yes, yes, I did.” Wonwoo snorts.

 

Not realizing that Joker also meant something else too. Counting, there are only 13 days left.

 

13 days left to either make Wonwoo change his mind, or let him fall to his scheduled death.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola I'm back again after several weeks! Lately I've been having some writer's block, plus I'm quite busy with school. I wanted to update yesterday but there was something going on with my internet so
> 
> Like usual, thank you for reading!


	22. Day 18 - Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Compassion may be the key to end one's suffering.

**31 Days**

**[Day 18 – Stay]**

Lost

_Joker_

Other characters

“Welcome home!” Mrs. Eunji greets from the kitchen.

 

Mr. Hyunsik, who was keeping his nose stuck to the newspaper, lowers the paper down to see Joker and a particular uninvited-but-forced-to-come guest in the doorstep.

 

“Oh, Soo, is this your friend?” Mr. Hyunsik asks. “Welcome home, by the way.”

 

 _“I’m home.”_ Joker answers with a thin smile.

 

When he says that, the lady with a casual dress emerges from the kitchen. Her hair is tied with a violet ribbon and despite her faint wrinkles and little bits of silver strands of hair from age; she definitely has a warm aura around her as her eyes displays nothing but warmth.

 

“Ah, is this Jisoo’s friend? Nice to meet you, sweetie, my name is Hong Eunji!” She smiles. “Soo here is quite mean; he’s never really told anything about you.” She fakes a pout.

 

“To think he’s got another handsome friend... And to think I was born in a different era where there’s not much good-looking guys.” Mr. Hyunsik butts in with a snicker. “I’m Hyunsik. Nice to meet you, kid.”

Okay, Wonwoo’s not so used to having this kind of attention. Rather, he’s not used to any kinds of attention. He’d rather to shut his own bedroom door than having this... Attention. Well, it shouldn’t be anything, since it’s just a greeting.

 

“Um, my name is Wonwoo. Jeon Wonwoo.” He says, bowing again. “A friend of... Jisoo hyung’s.”

 

Wonwoo can see Joker holding back a gag with all his might.

 

“Oh? How old are you, Wonwoo?” Mrs. Eunji asks.

 

“I’m 20.” Wonwoo says. “Just a year younger than Jok—Jisoo hyung.”

 

Jisoo nods, still holding back a sly grin because Wonwoo has _never_ called him by his real name _especially_ with _hyung._ And of course, no way in hell Wonwoo would call him as Joker in front of his parents. What if they question?

 

But after a bit of small talks, Mrs. Eunji lets Joker guide Wonwoo to Joker’s room.

 

 

 

 

Joker’s room is unexpectedly clean. His room isn’t so wide, but it looks spacious because of the design. The walls are light grey-blue with a few posters of _Backstreet Boys_ , _Westlife_ , and _One Ok Rock_. The bed is on the other side of the room in a horizontal position, and a small window is there too. Next to the bed is a black nightstand, with a blue alarm clock and a white lamp. On the left wall from the door, is a white wardrobe and right next to it is a small white bookshelf. The wall on the right has two wooden shelves stuck to the wall with a small vase of African violets on one shelf, and the other one is a shelf with... A complete set of the Winnie the Pooh dolls. Under the shelves that are set up quite high, is a medium sized white desk with shelves too. Part of the floor is covered in a blue carpet, and Joker’s favorite colors must be black, white, and blue.

 

 _“Whoa, is my room messy? Sorry about that.”_ Joker snickers.

 

“No, not at all! It’s just... I didn’t expect to see a set of Winnie the Pooh dolls on that shelf.” Wonwoo points out.

 

 _“Oh shit—they were gifts I swear.”_ Joker laughs. _“I got them since Halloween... But I forgot when.”_

Joker takes his blue scarf off and throws it to the bed. _“I’ll get you some drinks.”_

Wonwoo takes another look to Joker’s room, realizing that his room really _is_ Joker-like. Wonwoo looks back, only to see a corkboard that he didn’t notice. There are papers stuck to the board with red nails, probably schedules or notes or something. But there’s something that catches Wonwoo’s attention.

 

A photo.

 

A photo of a lady in a floral patterned dress, a man in a white shirt and a young boy smiling in the middle of them. But there’s some scribbles in the picture that lets a chill run down to Wonwoo’s spine. There’s a small oval-shaped object on top of the lady’s head, while the man’s face is scribbled in a red marker and Wonwoo doesn’t know if this is intentional or not; but are those red horns sticking out from the man’s head? The young boy’s face is scribbled in a black marker that resembles an X shape and several of English curse words are written near the young boy. Wonwoo can’t really read anything besides ‘damned’ and ‘die’ though, so he assumes.

 

But then Joker comes back suddenly with two mugs on his hands. Wonwoo, who realized that what he did may invade Joker’s privacy somehow, immediately jumps slightly when Joker walks closer to him.

 

“Shit, sorry—“

 

 _“It’s alright.”_ Joker smiles. He gives Wonwoo the mug, and Wonwoo accepts it. Hot coco, perfect for this weather.

 

 _“As you might already have assumed, they were my parents.”_ Joker says.

 

“Is... Is something going on with your life now?” Wonwoo asks.

 

Of course.

 

It’s funny that Wonwoo asks, even he realize it too. Joker chuckles, though devoid of humor. First, Joker has a cousin with a broken leg to care about, (possibly) countless projects and tasks in college, (possible) bullying, his own fears, and now he has to care about a random nobody who suddenly barged in like the car that crashed onto his mom’s body.

 

 _“A lot.”_ Joker says.

 

“I’m wondering why you suddenly let me come here.” Wonwoo says.

 

 _“Well, I figured I should be the client on this suicide helpline relationship we had-slash-have for a moment.”_ Joker says.

 

“In other words, you’re opening up.” Wonwoo points out.

 

Joker nods. _“Can I?”_

 

“Of course you can. Tell me anything.” Wonwoo says.

 

 _“Thanks,”_ Joker smiles thinly. _“Um... I don’t know where to start.”_ He sighs.

 

“Take your time, it’s alright.” Wonwoo says. Joker nods again, walking to his bed and sitting there. Wonwoo follows, sitting next to him.

 

_“You see,  I tend to over-think to the point I get headaches, always sleepy in class, and my body feels tired even though I never done anything. Especially my stomach, it hurts sometimes.”_

 

 _“It’s all because I keep throwing up every now and then.”_ Joker says.

 

Wonwoo lets out a small “Why?” from his lips. That one word that seemed so caged beneath his tongue with no chance of slipping out.

 

 _“It makes me feel good.”_ Joker says. _“In a sense, that is.”_

 

“Oh...”

 

 _“But that’s not the only reason.”_ Joker says and Wonwoo nods. _“At first it’s because I needed to punish myself for a lot of things, when my dad was alive.”_

 

 _“But then I got carried away. Now, even just by looking at the mirror makes me wanna throw up.”_ Joker says. _“I guess that’s why I look so bony and all.”_

 

“But... Why do you refuse to eat?”

 

_“I don’t feel like it. Actually, I feel like I shouldn’t. After my mom’s death, I don’t know if I’m allowed to be happy or not. Since I was little, whatever the fuck I was about to do, I would ask if I’m allowed to do it or not. I don’t know why, I just wanted a confirmation so I won’t do something wrong, I guess.”_

_“Now she’s gone, I don’t even know why I’m here. Is this what existential crisis is? If yes, it’s got worse ever since my dad beats me up and the bullying in high school.”_

 

Wonwoo desperately tries to keep a straight face. He absolutely doesn’t want Joker to think that he pities him; not when he’s in a similar situation as him. Wonwoo doesn’t know where his mom went, and Joker’s mom is dead. Both of them were abused by their dads in some way. When they’re basically the same scums of Earth, there’s no way Wonwoo can allow himself to look like he pities Joker.

 

Someone else’s pity hurts. It’s something that hurts Wonwoo’s chest when he knows that people pity him. ‘ _Oh, he doesn’t have a mother, I **pity** him’. ‘I heard he’s abused by his dad. Shit, now I **pity** him!’ _ People give that useless _pity_ to Wonwoo rather than helping him.

 

It’s like Wonwoo is so helpless and useless and weak.

 

He’s not helpless. He’s not useless. Certainly, he’s not weak either.

 

But he’s also not strong.

 

But that doesn’t mean people should pity him when all he’s done is breathe in front of their faces.

 

 _“I hope you don’t pity me or something.”_ Joker mumbles, his tone is quite serious.

 

“I’m not.” Wonwoo says. “I don’t pity you.”

 

 _“That’s bold.”_ Joker chuckles.

 

“I’m being compassionate here.” Wonwoo smiles.

 

_“I wonder what the difference between pity and compassion is.”_

 

“Pity is simply an emotion. An emotion where you feel bad towards someone’s miserable state without wanting to help or believing that they can’t help. Compassion on the other hand, is something warmer. It’s an emotion and an act to... Help someone to get out of their shells. It’s devoid of any negative emotions, something a true savior would have.”

 

 _“That’s deep.”_ Joker comments. _“Then, we’re both compassionate towards each other?”_

 

“If you feel the same way, then yes.” Wonwoo says. “Isn’t it better to know when someone’s got you’re back no matter what?”

 

There’s a short pause of the ticking clock in Joker’s room, _“Yeah.”_

 

After a few seconds of silence filled with comfort, Wonwoo takes a sip of the now warm hot coco. Joker too. Now, the clock shows that it’s now dinner time, and Wonwoo figures he should leave before dinner. They came to Joker’s house around 5 pm, so Wonwoo thinks he shouldn’t bother more than this.

 

But then Mrs. Eunji knocks on the door and opens it. “Soo, Wonwoo, dinner’s ready!” She smiles.

 

“Eh, it’s alright, Mrs. Eunji!” Wonwoo says, surprised. “I can’t trouble you more than thi—“

 

“Hah, nonsense! We love guests!” She smiles even more, laughing, even. “Join us, Wonwoo. You can even stay for the night~”

 

 _“That’s actually a great idea!”_ Joker joins in on the Operation: Have Wonwoo to Stay. _“Wonwoo can totally stay here as long as he wants. Besides, wouldn’t it save up your money more? Staying in a hotel burns a lot of your money, y’know?”_

 

“But...” _I’ll kill myself anyway—_

Did Joker just glare at him for a split second?

 

A glare that could pierce through Wonwoo’s brain like a bullet. But in this case, a sharp knife. He looked like he’s threatening Wonwoo, or did he read Wonwoo’s mind?

 

Ah, no. He’s just over thinking it. Besides, it was like a second. Maybe Joker meant something like _‘Stay, you fucking ass’._

So Wonwoo gives up and nods his head. It’s been awhile since he had healthy food after all. When they’re already in the dining table, the main menu is japchae and Wonwoo is beyond grateful to receive such hospitality (okay he’s being dramatic, quite normal, he lives alone without being able to cook, haha).

 

With permission (allowed to take his own portion), Wonwoo takes a small portion of the japchae, not because he thinks he wouldn’t be able to finish it (if he could wolf it down right fucking now, he would), but it’s because it’s some basic manners he’s taught with. This is the first time he’s gone to Joker’s house; of course he needs to create a modest impression.

 

 _“Cut the bullshit and eat how much you want.”_ Joker snickers and Wonwoo almost succumbs to the temptation but no! His pride won’t allow it!

 

“Nope, no can do.” Wonwoo shakes his head firmly.

 

 _“Yeah, I’ll be watching you.”_ Joker rolls his eyes.

 

Mrs. Eunji chuckles, and Mr. Hyunsik joins in on the table. They finally start eating the dinner with kimchi and pickled salad as the sides. Joker takes a very small portion and judging by Mrs. Eunji and Mr. Hyunsik’s excited looks, this might be an improvement.

 

While eating, Joker’s step-parents make some small talks and Wonwoo follows the getting-to-know-each-other process. Wonwoo learns that Mr. Hyunsik is a lawyer despite his carefree looks and all, and honestly, he gives off the air of that one business man who’d be slacking off 24/7. Mrs. Eunji is a novelist who sadly can’t have kids on her own, so meeting Joker is like destiny, and that’s why she babies him quite a lot and that’s probably why she’s very understanding to him—or maybe that’s just how she is.

 

Since Joker has no other relatives here, Mrs. Eunji’s older sister has a son which is Soonyoung. That makes Soonyoung and Joker to be step-cousins, but they treat each other like real brothers (even openly hugging each other in front of friends). But sadly, Soonyoung’s mother is homophobic while his dad remains supportive, so he feels left out from his mom and is now close with Mrs. Eunji instead.

 

Wonwoo tells a bit of his life too, not wanting to sound like a stupidly depressed retarded fuck who ran away from home after stepping into someone’s life just like that. He tells them about college and basic stuffs like that.

 

Dinner’s over, and Joker manages to finish half of his already very small portion of japchae and Wonwoo finishes the rest. After dinner, Wonwoo gives up and decides to stay in Joker’s place for the night. When they return to Joker’s room, Joker gasps.

 

 _“We don’t have any spare beds.”_ Joker informs with both of his hands in front of his mouth for effect.

 

Oh shit.

 

“Well, I’ll sleep in the couch—“

 

_“There’s no way I’d let my guest sleep in the couch downstairs. Hey, my bed is quite big so let’s just sleep together here.”_

 

Oh—wait, WHAT?!

 

“What—uh, I mean, why?”

 

 _“What do you mean_ why _? It’s not like we haven’t slept in the same bed anyway.”_

 

“Well... true.”

 

 _“So just relax your ass off and make yourself at home!”_ Joker jumps to his bed with a big smile on his face. _“By the way, wanna play Othello?”_

 

Well, it’s been awhile since Wonwoo played Othello. The last time he played Othello was when he played with Taehyung and he sucked.

 

“Sure.”

 

So Joker grabs the Othello board from under his bed, and lays it on top of the mattress between them. Wonwoo cracks his knuckles, getting ready. After taking care of the pieces, Wonwoo picks the black pieces mainly because Joker lets him.

 

With this, both of them know they’re not gonna sleep any time soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm still alive
> 
> So...... I've been busy with school (exams and such) and I just got sick last Friday and recently recovered because my stomach is being a real bitch to me-
> 
> I have mixed feelings about this chapter, but I hope it's good enough T^T and I think this chapter is a bit shorter than usual??Is it just me??? I seriously don't want this fic to have too many chapters lol
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: Hello, I'm still alive. It's been a month since I updated?? I'm really sorry tho, cuz two more weeks I'm gonna face the national exams and next week I'll have tests too. I've been working on my projects too and I didn't have time to work on a new chapter. So I'm sorry but I'll be back a few more weeks and hopefully I'm able to write a pretty good new chapter to make it up ❤️!


	23. day 19

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 19]**

Lost

_Joker_

**_Star Boy_ **

Other characters

 

 

 

_“Lost,”_ Joker calls. _“I have morning classes!”_

 

“...And?” Wonwoo tilts his head, unable to find anything strange about it.

 

Joker gives Wonwoo a ‘boy, you serious?’ face before sighing. _“I gotta leave you for a bit.”_

 

“Oh, that.” Wonwoo says. “It’s alright, though.”

 

_“What about you?”_ Joker asks, hanging his backpack to his shoulders. _“You’re going back to your hotel?”_

 

“Maybe... Can I borrow a book or two?” Wonwoo points to the bookshelf filled with interesting books.

 

_“Oh, of course you can.”_ Joker smiles, though he looks rather apologetic. Most likely because he had to leave Wonwoo because of his stupid morning class. _“Take whatever you want.”_

“What about your stash of porn?” Wonwoo asks casually.

 

“You mean DVDs?” Joker questions. _“Bold of you to assume I watch porn.”_ Joker smirks proudly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

 

Wonwoo furrows his eyebrows immediately, “Wait, you don’t?”

 

_“Well, do you?”_ Joker asks back.

 

“Would it be so strange if I did?” Wonwoo asks again, though his cheeks begin to feel a bit warm in an unpleasant way. Sure, Wonwoo’s watch those once or twice but it’s not so strange for him to be watching... _Stuff_ at his age.

 

_“Not at all. You look like that one person who would jerk off to that one video with that one particular scene with the watermelons and tenta—“_

 

“Okay, okay, stop it! I don’t watch _that_ kind of stuff, I wouldn’t be able to eat octopus after that without dying of stupid laughter!” Wonwoo yells, his ears flushed in red. “I’m amazed at you for not even watching porn or something.”

 

_“No nut November is fucking easy if you’re me.”_ Joker comments, his grin still remains.

 

“But I’m sure you read stuff.” Wonwoo accuses, pointing his finger at Joker. “You look soft and all but who knows, you might be the type who would be that one person who would jerk off when the girl tops the guy acting sadistic and shit with linger—“

 

_“Hey, that’s private!”_ Now it’s Joker’s turn to blush, but his blush comes out more subtle than Wonwoo’s.

“But you _do_ read those and probably worse than I think?” Wonwoo smirks as he runs his fingers along the neatly organized books in the shelf, discovering fantasy, romance, history, mystery and other kinds of novels.

 

_“Well, you’re not wrong...”_ Joker says, adding a bit of singing tone to his voice in purpose because Joker is a playful bastard. _“Only half.”_

 

“Wait, what?!” Wonwoo turns his head and he swears his neck almost snapped. “Which one—“

 

_“Oh, I’m running laaaaaaate!”_ Joker exaggerates, running out of the room in small, adorable steps. Wonwoo could hear him from the hallway as he shouts, _“Bye, Lost!”_

 

Wonwoo sighs heavily, but he has no negative feelings whatsoever. Rather, he feels like he’s closer to Joker now. Last night, Wonwoo and Joker played Othello and he found out that Joker is good at said game. Watching him laughing and smiling when playing the game, Wonwoo feels like he’s at cloud nine.

 

But when he thinks about this, he would take a deep breath and sigh out. Knowing about _why_ he called Joker in the first place, or _why_ he decided to walk into someone—a stranger’s—life just like that and then _leave just like that_ , isn’t it... Kind of late for Wonwoo to turn back? Wonwoo is the type of guy who would never break a deal.

 

And if he says he’ll disappear in December 31st, then he’ll do just that.

 

Maybe then he’ll be able to become a 52 Hertz Whale.

 

Wonwoo pulls a book from the shelf titled _Happiness,_ just because he wants to read it again even though he already finishes it back in high school. Wonwoo wears his coat from last night and hangs his sling bag to his shoulder and puts the book inside the bag. He’s borrowing it, so there’s no way he’s letting it get damaged in any way, right?

 

So he runs downstairs, greeting Mr. Hyunsik and Mrs. Eunji. “Good morning.”

 

_“Oh, good morning to you too, Wonwoo!”_ Mrs. Eunji greets back . _“Are you going somewhere?”_

 

“Hmm... I think I’m going to visit Soonyoung.” Wonwoo says.

 

Mrs. Eunji blinks in surprise, followed by Mr. Hyunsik who was reading a book.

 

_“Ah, you’re friends with him too?”_ Mrs. Eunji asks.

 

“Yes, though we only met once.” Wonwoo answers truthfully. “I also met his boyfriend the other day. They’re really nice.”

 

_“Ah, I see~”_ Mrs. Eunji says. _“Okay, take care, Wonwoo!”_ She waves her hand _. “Oh, would you like me to make you breakfast first? I woke up kind of late today, I’m so very sorry!”_

 

Wonwoo shakes his hands, “Ah, it’s okay! I can buy something on the way there. You don’t have to worry about me.”

 

No wonder Mrs. Eunji looks like she just woke up. _“I really am sorry, Wonwoo.”_

 

“It’s alright, really.” Wonwoo smiles.

 

Wait, had Joker ate breakfast?

 

 

 

 

**_“Oh, you came!”_** Soonyoung greets cheerfully with his chubby cheeks spread into a big smile. **_“It’s been awhile!”_**

****

“Yeah, it’s been.” Wonwoo smiles. “Sorry for coming without telling. I don’t have your number.”

 

**_“It’s fine!”_** Soonyoung reassures him. **_“I can give my number to you.”_**

 

“Sure.” Wonwoo replies, handing out his phone to Soonyoung. “Say, how’s your leg?”

 

**_“It doesn’t really hurt, but I still need rehab.”_** Soonyoung tells. **_“Besides, my boyfriend keeps nagging at me so I guess he’s kind of like a motivation for me to quickly heal up.”_**

****

Wonwoo snickers. “You sound like married couple. It’s cute.”

 

**_“Don’t tell him that in front of him, he’ll kill you.”_** Soonyoung jokes. **_“But I’ll take that as a compliment for both of us!”_**

 

Wonwoo nods, taking a seat on the small chair next to Soonyoung’s bed. In the end, they surprisingly click well with each other. Wonwoo doesn’t know why he likes to torture himself with socializing with others who might be able to _accept_ Wonwoo for who he is, considering he’ll leave everyone anyways. Maybe... Joker’s been showing Wonwoo _his_ world so Wonwoo can join in?

 

_This_ is Joker’s world.

 

But Wonwoo doesn’t know if he can join in or not. Stepping inside is one thing, but _joining_ is another thing.

 

**_“Oh, I know that book!”_** Soonyoung points the book from Wonwoo’s bag. **_“What chapter are you in?”_**

 

“I’m in chapter 12.” Wonwoo says. The book has 15 chapters, but Wonwoo already knows the ending. “I’m just re-reading it.”

 

**_“Ah, is that when Denzel got confused with his existence and shuts himself from the world, even Claire?”_ **

 

“Yeah, that part.”

 

Soonyoung nods a few times as if he’s very excited. **_“I like this novel. Shua hyung—or Joker—borrowed me this and I actually really like it! The way the writer portrayed Denzel’s character is very realistic, but unfortunately Claire’s character isn’t given so much depth as much as Denzel.”_**

 

“That’s quite the pity, isn’t it?”

 

**_“Yeah. But still, Claire is very supportive while Denzel has an existential crisis, right? I actually feel for him.”_ **

****

“Huh? Why, if I may ask?”

 

Soonyoung doesn’t seem like he’s joking when he said that, even though his smile remains.

 

**_“It’s not easy to be the gay shit in campus, y’know?”_** Soonyoung laughs as if it’s a very normal thing for him. Or perhaps it really _is_ normal for him. **_“I’m not complaining at all, but I wished people around me were more accepting. Denzel is shown to be someone who everyone despises, right? I guess I lowkey want people to be more accepting to Denzel and me. Since... We’re hated. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be alive, haha.”_**

 

**_“Because Denzel is ostracized, he feels like a useless little shit, right? Trapped in the darkness of the world, but Claire is there for him as light.”_ **

 

Wonwoo’s lips parts just a tad, his eyes widening as if he’s surprised by Soonyoung’s words. Yes, he _is_ surprised. From the way Soonyoung smiles while talking something as deep as that, to the way Soonyoung talks about that so casually as if it’s nothing special. It’s something rather sensitive to talk about, at least Wonwoo thinks like that.

 

Perhaps... Joker and Soonyoung _are_ alike. Not being related to blood, but... How?

 

**_“Perhaps Denzel and Claire are so close to the point their hearts are so close to each other? Do you get what I’m saying?”_ **

 

...Is it like that?

 

Maybe so.

 

Because... Slowly, without realizing, Wonwoo’s heart may have changed little by little. Perhaps he’s never realized the flourishing sun in his life as he turns his back to the light, curling into a ball and let the darkness of his shadows consume him like a blanket.

 

Maybe he’s a coward.

 

For not accepting changes.

 

“Hey, Soonyoung-ah,” Wonwoo calls, and the latter’s ears perks up at that. Soonyoung doesn’t recall Wonwoo ever calling his name. “What if... The world seems so dark to you to the point it blocks your view to the future, what would you do?”

 

There is a short silence between them. Soonyoung smiles,

 

**_“I think... Even if the world is such a dark place, there’s always that particular someone to be your light.”_ **

 

_Thump._

**_“So when that person comes, I would love them with all my heart. Because... They practically gave me light and hope, right? When someone becomes your light, it’s like... I don’t know, it’s like they’re guiding you to a brighter place than just a dark world and a flashlight? Fuck, that sounds so obvious coming from my mouth.”_ **

 

As if he lost his vocal cords, no sound escapes his mouth when he heard him speak like that.

 

Love...

 

**_“In my case, Shua hyung is my light!”_** Soonyoung giggles. **_“Because of him, I can accept myself as who I am, as who I’m proud of. Jihoonie is my light too, since he’s the first person who accepted me after knowing that I’m gay.”_**

 

**_“But still, the one who gave me a ‘flashlight’ is Shua hyung! Jihoon is the love of my life, don’t take him away from me. I can’t explain it, though.”_ **

 

Maybe that’s the difference between Wonwoo and Joker.

 

Joker’s life is connected to others.

 

While Wonwoo’s life is connected to nobody. No mother, no siblings or cousins, no father to truly rely on, no friends to count on, nobody.

 

Except Joker.

 

Joker, on the other hand, has a family. He has two parents who cares about him deeply, a cousin to dote on, a friend who would take care of his cousin very well, anybody.

 

Because Joker’s colorful life is a gift for him. A gift after facing so many hardships and willing to fight back.

 

Perhaps Wonwoo secretly yearns to have a complete taste of a life similar to Joker’s; where he would feel like he’s needed.

 

Perhaps Joker yearns this kind of life but feels like he doesn’t deserve this gift from Fate; confusion. So in order to feel like he deserves this kind of life... Is he helping others for this?

 

Ah, of course he’d need the merit.

 

If so, then Joker has been using Wonwoo to make himself feel needed by someone so he’ll feel like he deserves a good life.

 

And Wonwoo has been using Joker for his selfish reason; to make his last month worth living.

 

Without realizing, Wonwoo lets out a scoff.

 

**_“Hm?”_** Soonyoung tilts his head.

 

“Ah, nothing.” Wonwoo smiles. “Thanks.”

 

**_“For what?”_** Soonyoung asks.

 

“Just...” Wonwoo trails off, purposely smiling instead.

 

Soonyoung looks puzzled at that, but it’s okay. It’s better if he doesn’t understand. Rather, it’s better if nobody understands. It’s best like this.

 

Because...

 

Wonwoo is a selfish kid.

 

No wonder no-one likes him.

 

Because he’s selfish.

 

Just—realistically, how can he expect a person to let him disappear just like that after Wonwoo barging into their life like a train and expects said person to simply be okay with it?

 

Sadly, that’s _exactly_ what he expects.

 

For Joker to continue using him and let Wonwoo disappear peacefully.

 

 

 

 

**[03.35 pm]**

When he’s walking towards a nearby restaurant to fill his stomach, he walks past a playground with some teenagers there. He simply shrugs off the slight commotion they were causing, probably smoking or something. He continues to walk, but a bit slower this time.

 

_ “You’re sickening, I swear to god!” _

 

 

_ “Fuck you and your shitty cousin, freak!!” _

 

 

Whoa, a fight?

 

Or maybe, bullying?

 

Curious, Wonwoo stops his tracks and pulls out his phone as f he’s checking a message when in reality, he’s eavesdropping.

 

Glancing to his side, there’re a few meters of distance between Wonwoo and the group of teenagers.

 

_ “Wait, if your cousin is gay, doesn’t that mean you’re also gay? Hah, you never even dated with anybody! Of course you’d want to get dicked down by a dude!” _

 

 

_ “You’re so desperate to have someone pity you, that’s why you’re literally starving yourself like that, right? Fucking freak.” _

 

 

What kind of bullshit is that? Before Wonwoo could react, a loud sigh is a bit audible from the group.

 

_“Imagine having worse common sense than a freak.”_

Yeah, that quite burns—wait, that voice is...

 

Wonwoo turns his head a bit to get a better view, and looking to the boy with the top of his clothes a bit too big for his size and the structure of a 15 years old when he’s probably 20-ish with the raven hair color, Wonwoo might be sure who that person is.

 

_ “Wha—you dare to talk back at us?! We’re your seniors—“ _

 

 

_“If you’re my so-called_ seniors _then_ act _like one. Why the fuck are you all meddling with someone’s life that shouldn’t be your concern at all?”_ The boy says. He raises a finger, “ _You, you, you, and fucking especially_ you _are so pathetic.”_ He says as he points each of the four teenagers there.

 

Joker.

 

_ “You little shit...! He’s a disgrace! I bet his own stupid parents are also gay because—“ _

 

_“—Because gay parents raise gay kids, right? I mean, yeah, just like how straight parents raise gay kids. Quit your yapping.”_

_ “Is it wrong for us to be homophobic? If everyone was gay, there’d be no humanity!” _

_“In all honesty, I don’t like the word ‘homophobic’ as it technically implies you have some sort of ‘phobia’ when in reality you’re just being retarded. Second, if everyone was stupid like you, there’d be no future too,_ Senior _.”_

They’re talking about Soonyoung, huh? Wonwoo wants to join in on the drama, but it’s not his part to play. He just needs to be a quiet observer, and if anything happens to Joker, he’ll break their legs.

 

_“So stop degrading people and go back to your boring life. Oh, wait, I just remembered; you don’t have a life. If only you have at least one hobby to fill your time and if only you think as much as you open your mouth, this world will be a better place.”_

 

_ “For a freak, you act high and mighty!” _

 

 

_ “Show some respects to your seniors, you shit!” _

 

 

_ “Fuck you, and for your information I  _ do _have a hobby—“_

 

_“Degrading someone isn’t a hobby, cute little seniors. I can’t help but wonder; what’s so fun about that? I bet you 5 or 10 years from now the people you’ve degraded all this time would be running the world and live to the fullest while you’ll be stuck in McDonald’s with a life that’s much blander than their unseasoned fries and with a personality that’s saltier than the chips you serve even with extra salt.”_

_“If you keep degrading or humiliating someone, doesn’t that mean you’re fucking insecure over yourselves and seek for so-called power just to look better? Then you’re dead wrong, you_ uneducated wild swines. _”_

_“So before you can spill me with that seniority-complex bullshit, I suggest you leave Soonyoung, me, and Jihoon alone—“_

Wonwoo gasps when he sees Joker got punched to the face, thus landing to the ground with a loud thud. His eyes darts to the group of four people whose faces were as red as a tomato, anger rushing through their veins with a deep frown upon their face.

 

_ “Hah, that’s what you deserve!” _

 

 

With that, they suddenly left.

 

 

 

 

Joker accepts the cold can of soda and compresses it to his bruised cheek. Wonwoo rummages to the plastic bag filled with some medical supplies and snacks he just got a few minutes earlier after guiding Joker to a bench.

 

Joker lowers the can and lets Wonwoo handles the rest. “This might hurt,” He warns. But even when he applies the antibacterial cream to Joker’s cheek, he didn’t even react. Now Wonwoo’s not even sure if Joker gets this violent treatment on a daily basis or if Joker is used to pain. Both sound rather horrible.

 

After sticking the band-aid to his cheek, the ravenette mutters a ‘thanks’ before sighing. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

_“I just met some college fuckers on the way home by chance and they suddenly dragged me to that park. They called me names and suddenly mentioned Soonyoung. The rest, I’m sure you’ve heard.”_

 

“Oh, damn.” Wonwoo scoffs. “They’re even worse than animals, holy shit. But seriously, I might use _uneducated wild swines_ if I’m gonna roast someone.”

 

_If._

 

Joker nods, chuckling. He seems to be in a better mood, and that’s all Wonwoo could care about. _“Let’s go home.”_

 

“Home?”

 

_“My home, dummy. Let’s just forget about this matter.”_ Joker chuckles.

 

But there’s no way Wonwoo would forget so easily when his Joker got hit by some delusional fuckers.

 

 

 

When they arrived to Joker’s house, his step-parents practically yelled and panicked and kept asking ‘who did this’ and all that shit. It’s quite funny to watch, according to Wonwoo.

 

So they head straight to Joker’s room, and Wonwoo’s thoughts begin to fly all over the places as they play Othello again.

 

If Joker was cornered like that, then that means he’s also bullied in campus. The question is; like how? Surely, he said something like ‘it goes for everyone else’ which means everybody doesn’t like how Joker looks. Too thin for his age. No, too thin in general.

 

“Joker, how much do you weigh?” Wonwoo asks.

 

Joker frowns in confusion, _“Uh, come again?”_

 

“Your weight.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Oh...”_ Joker mumbles. _“49-ish?”_

 

That’s too thin.

 

“How tall are you?”

 

_“178 centimeters. Obviously I’m shorter than you.”_ Joker says. _“Why did you ask such questions?”_

 

“You don’t seem to be displeasured by it, though.” Wonwoo points out.

 

_“It’s just you.”_ Joker says, looking at Wonwoo. _“If it’s not you, then I’m not gonna answer.”_

 

“You trust me that much, eh?”

 

_“Yeah, I trust you to not die after this whole suicide-helpline kind of thing ends.”_

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Wonwoo honestly feels stupid for asking. Joker flips a few of Wonwoo’s white pieces to black, eyes focusing on the green Othello board with black and white pieces. A short silence falls between them, but it’s not the suffocating kind of silence. For some reason, Wonwoo both finds this silence as pleasant and unpleasant.

 

_“There’s still hope, Lost.”_ Joker says vaguely.

 

“Hope for what?”

 

_“For the future.”_

 

A single hum of vagueness escapes from Wonwoo’s lips so easily like air. Joker’s eyes remain to be fixated on the board, allowing Wonwoo to continue his turn. So Wonwoo places a white piece on the board, flipping some black ones into white.

 

“I can’t look forward to it.” Wonwoo confesses, even though it’s nothing to be surprised about, according to him. “The whole world makes me sick. People just seem to be incapable of understanding that all people have different personalities, different backgrounds, different colors, different appearances... When they found someone to be so _different_ than them, they just... Act like said someone is unacceptable.”

 

“Why does it have to be like that, though? We’re all humans, in the end. We’re on the same boat. We’re the same creatures. So why, for example, me, who never really had a decent family to begin with, or just—me being a weird head in general, gets ostracized by others or used for personal gain?”

 

Joker grins softly, _“You mean... Discrimination? It’s like a privilege to those kinds of people. It’s a shame because the world is so beautiful...”_

 

“I always wished we could change this whole.... World, actually. It’s a stupid, delusional thing to wish for, I know.” Wonwoo scoffs. “But it’s something I wanted to do when I was a kid.”

 

_“Then let’s do it.”_ Joker declares.

 

Again, a short silence fell between them as Wonwoo stares at the ravenette in utter confusion. “...Come again?”

 

_“Let’s do it. Change the world, I mean.”_ Joker says again, flipping the white pieces into black which causes a game over for Wonwoo who groans in defeat.

 

“I still don’t follow—“

 

_“We’ll change our world, starting from tomorrow.”_

 

Wonwoo frowns in confusion again, scoffing in disbelief, “What?”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I"M ALIVE AND HEALTHY
> 
> First of all, I couldn't update nor write because I had writer's block and I just finished my national exams and next week I'm gonna graduate~~ Though honestly I don't really look forward to my graduation lmao. Sorry for not updating tho.
> 
> And tbh, I can't wait to write the 25th day because of reasons of course ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> And I didn't really re-read this chapter so if you found any mistakes please let me know!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and giving kudos to this fic <3
> 
> P.S I don't think that novel ww and hs talk about is real that just came outta my mind haha


	24. Day 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Let's change our world."

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 20]**

Lost

_Joker_

 

“When you said we’re gonna change the world, I didn’t expect you to bring me to this place.”

 

_“And you said we can go wherever I want.”_

 

“True, but still.”

 

Wonwoo looks around the amusement park. There aren’t much people here, because it’s still 11 am and nobody would really go to an amusement park especially on weekdays where the holidays haven’t even started yet, right? There are a lot of people, but not too many like how an amusement park should be. Not too crowded and the weather is nice and cool, much to Wonwoo’s liking.

 

_“Hey, let’s go to that booth.”_ Joker points, automatically, Wonwoo’s eyes followed.

 

“Souvenirs?”

 

_“Let’s get some stuff.”_

 

So they walk towards their booth, minding nothing because they’ve got plenty of time. How come Joker hasn’t finished his projects or something when he’s a college student, especially a year older than Wonwoo?

 

The woman who owns the booth greets them warmly and Joshua smiles at her, looking around many items—

 

_“Ah, can I get one?”_ Joshua asks to Wonwoo with beaming eyes.

 

“Why are you asking me?” Wonwoo questions in confusion. “Up to you.”

 

_“Right~”_ Joshua snickers.

 

“What are you buying anyway?” Wonwoo peeks from Joker’s shoulder. “Bracelets?”

 

_“Mm-hmm. Let’s get matching bracelets!”_ Joker says, a huge smile appearing on his face like a child begging for ice cream with a cute smile.

 

But _matching_ bracelets?

 

Wonwoo blinks a few times, getting flustered a bit. “W-with me? Are you sure?”

 

_“Yup! I’m gonna buy two for Soonyoung and Jihoon too so it’s alright!”_ Joker says, and Wonwoo hasn’t felt such innocent words strikes him with such impact.

 

Wonwoo facepalms himself, sighing in disbelief and he swears, he heard the woman giggling a bit. He’s so stupid. Now Wonwoo’s not sure to whom did he called as ‘stupid’, either Joker or Wonwoo, there’s no in between.

 

“Doesn’t that mean the four of us will have matching bracelets?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Yeah.”_ Joker nods. Oh, if only he knows.

 

“Shouldn’t you buy those two different bracelets than us?” Wonwoo suggests in impulse.

 

Joker gazes emptily at the bracelets, contemplating and Wonwoo swears he likes that cute sight of him. _“Ah, you got a point. Let those two have matching bracelets because they’re gonna get married soon, just you wait.”_

 

“You really ship them that much?”

 

_“Who doesn’t?”_

 

 

 

The first thing they’ve chose is a horror house.

 

Great.

 

The horror house is named _The Scream._ Even the entrance itself is already creepy. Dark, dirty, stuffy, cold. At least they don’t walk to ‘enjoy’ the house. The horror house uses an automatic cart for four people that will take you around the house. Of course, it would still be a shitty experience. Wonwoo heard some ‘ghosts’ might get on your cart if there’s an empty space.

 

Joker says it’s ‘to get thrilled’ when in fact Wonwoo might lose his shit because he hates jumpscares. But it seems like Wonwoo has to man up just like he manned up when he was dating Seulgi. Yeah, he should definitely accept Joker’s request to go to the horror house—

 

“No.” Wonwoo says mindlessly.

 

_“Oh, you scared?”_ Joker teases, but his eyes are filled with warmth and consideration which makes Wonwoo can’t help but accept the challenge. For some reason.

 

“Actually,” Wonwoo pauses for a brief moment as Joker’s eyes look up to him like an anticipating kitten, especially with the usual curl on his lips. “Yes.”

 

_“Oh, it’s okay.”_ Joshua says, smiling brightly. _“Do you want me to hold your hand inside there? Perhaps, give you words of sweet-nothings and encouragement while we’re at it? Ah, after we get outside the horror house, would you like me to sing a lullaby to keep the demons away?”_

 

The choice of words is so filled with sarcasm, Wonwoo feels like Joker adds some fuel to the almost-dead-fire inside Wonwoo’s heart. With a serious expression, he says, “Hold my hand when we’re inside then.” He challenges.

 

“Sure!” Joker laughs.

 

Honestly, Wonwoo’s not sure if he should be happy or not.

 

But either way, they get on the small cart for four. Joker sits across Wonwoo, both boys spreading their legs to protect any empty space in the cart. From the looks of it, Joker seems rather... Scared too.

 

“Are you scared?”

 

_“Yup.”_ Joker admits. _“I’m only scared of the dark, though.”_

 

Ah, is that so.

 

A sound of bells echoes the house as the carts suddenly starts to move, making both Wonwoo and Joker flinch. Well... It’s not like they’re gonna get lost; it’s automatic.

 

 

 

 

Joker immediately devours three ice cream sticks after getting outside the horror house (good thing there’s a shop near the house too). And holy god, he’s pouting.

 

Wonwoo chuckles at the memories inside the horror house.

 

_“MOTHER FUCKER—GO AWAY!!” Joker screamed when a zombie suddenly appeared from a curtain._

_Wonwoo however, kept screaming and shouting, unlike Joker who kept cursing over every single thing._

_They both looked to the left, only to find a door with the sign ‘EXIT’ and two small windows on said door. Joker and Wonwoo were so skeptical as they couldn’t trust anything inside here. However, the cart behind them that was filled with four girls thought otherwise._

_‘Oh, we can get out! THANK GOD—‘_

_Just when one of the girls said that, a loud noise echoed the house when a hand suddenly slapped the door, leaving a trace of fake blood that seemed so real._

_‘GYAAAAAAAAAA!!’_

_‘OH HELL NO, HELL NO.’_

_‘PLEASE LET ME LIVE, I HAVEN’T GONE OUT ON A DATE THIS MONTH YET!’_

_Joker couldn’t help but bringing his head on top of his knees just to snort a fit of small laughter. Wonwoo lets out a voiceless laugh too, head tilting back to try and hold his voice until they got surprised by a bone-chilling shriek which made everyone in that hall at the moment, scream. Joker immediately snaps back up, only to find a woman with bloody face appearing right next to his shoulder, which made the ravenette let out a really shocked gasp and twitching hands up in the air, almost punching the ghost._

_The whole ride consists of full swearing, screaming, choked laughter and sarcastic jokes in the middle of being jumpscared._

 

“Ah, that was incredibly fun.” Wonwoo says nonchalantly.

 

_“Not yet.”_ Joker says, his smile returning to his face. _“What do you wanna ride next?”_

 

_“Roller coasters?”_ Wonwoo suggests.

 

_“Oh, about that...”_ Joker says, _“I actually want to, but I’m not allowed to ride anything like roller coasters or something. My body is weak to those.”_

 

Wonwoo gives him an understanding nod and smile, “It’s fine. I don’t really like roller coasters anyway.”

 

“Then... Other than tight places, what are you scared of?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Um... Mirrors.”_ Joker answers _. “Rather than scared, I get... Freaked out.”_

 

“Are you ready to face it head-on? There’s a labyrinth of mirrors here.”

 

Joker immediately shakes his head, _“No, no, no, no, no, no way. No fucking way.”_

 

“Sorry, that was just a suggestion. We don’t have to if you don’t want to. We’re here to have fun, right?”

 

 

 

 

_“When you said this is a labyrinth of mirrors, I didn’t expect it to legitimately be filled with nothing but mirrors. Heck, even the roof if this damn place has mirrors.”_ Joker protests a bit, but doesn’t really mean it. “I can see my reflection everywhere!”

 

“I—I thought there wouldn’t be so many mirrors, I’m really sorry.” Wonwoo sweats nervously.

 

_“It’s alright, I’m the one who agreed to it.”_ Joker dismisses with a smile.

 

After a few seconds of walking, venturing the labyrinth, Joker holds onto Wonwoo’s coat for dear life, tightening every few minutes.

 

During the walk, it certainly feels like they’re inside a labyrinth. Well, that much doesn’t need a say. But walking into one, going back and forth to find the exit, watching his and Joker’s reflections in the mirrors, Wonwoo’s thoughts wanders again.

 

What was the reason Joker calls Wonwoo as Lost?

 

“Why did you call me Lost?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“You forgot?”_ Joker asks. Wonwoo can see Joker looking down to the floor from their reflections and honestly, Wonwoo feels bad. But it really _was_ Joker who _actually agreed._

 

“I don’t,” Wonwoo answers. “I just need a reconfirmation.”

 

Joker stays silent for a bit as they walk further inside the labyrinth. Wonwoo guides Joker to a path that leads them to get closer with a small group of people.

 

_“Y—you’re stuck in a maze inside your head and heart.”_ Joker says.

 

“In a literal sense, yeah, we’re inside here.” Wonwoo says.

 

Joker scoffs at Wonwoo’s attempted humor, giving his back a small bump with his other fist. It seems like Joker’s mood got better, but he still can’t keep his eyes from the floor.

 

Now, they’re entering the second part of the labyrinth. The mirrors around them were concave mirrors... Right? Wonwoo often gets concave mirrors and convex mirrors messed up. Anyways, their reflections become inverted. Wonwoo looks at the reflections in awe, but Joker hasn’t look up at all.

 

“Are these concave mirrors?” Wonwoo asks to no-one in particular in a small voice.

 

Joker briefly glances to the mirrors on their right side, nodding. _“Yeah.”_

 

This time, Joker keeps his eyes at Wonwoo’s shoulder.

 

“Are you okay?” Wonwoo asks, looking back.

 

_“I’m alright.”_ Joker replies, smiling thinly. When Wonwoo looks unconvinced, Joker lets out a tiny giggle, _“Don’t get me wrong, I like labyrinths. It’s just filled with mirrors, that’s all.”_

 

“You sure?” Wonwoo asks again and Joker hums in affirmation.

 

_“Actually, these mirrors are better than the first ones.”_ Joker admits. _“I mean, our reflections are upside-down. As long as there are no convex mirrors, I suppose I’m okay.”_

 

“Which one is that?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“The one where your reflection becomes bigger.”_ Joker answers.

 

“If there is, close your eyes.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“I think I’ll do that.”_ Joker responds, smiling.

 

Eventually, they could hear the voices of other people somewhere, which means they might be close to the exit. Joker’s grip on Wonwoo’s coat gets tighter, intentionally or not. Joker looks at the mirrors, watching every second of both Wonwoo and his own movements from their reflections. Joker reaches his hand to the mirror, touching the cold surface.

 

_“Actually, this isn’t so bad.”_ Joker says.

 

“If it’s upside-down?” Wonwoo questions.

 

_“Maybe?”_ Joker giggles, giving Wonwoo a suggestive look. _“I still don’t like mirrors, though.”_

 

Honestly, Wonwoo is quite relieved, but there’s a chance that Joker is lying through his teeth. Wonwoo swears, Joker is hard to read sometimes.

 

Without them realizing, they’re greeted by the light from outside the door of the exit.

 

 

 

 

After getting out from the labyrinth of mirrors, they resume their adventure around the amusement park. Bumper cars for adults (‘fighting’ against Joker is to be frank quite scary he literally has no mercy in crashing his car with Wonwoo’s, even with other adults or teenagers playing), Twist, Skydiver, and other vehicles that aren’t so extreme and doesn’t really involve with high-speeds or heights. Joker’s body won’t agree.

 

They eat some snacks like corn dogs, ice creams, and cotton candy too. Laughing like two idiots who don’t have any burden in the world, Wonwoo feels like this is one of the best days in his life. When they went to a coffee shop to warm up from the winter, the BGM was 7-Teen’s _HOME._ Joker said the only parts he remembered was the _‘Cause I’m your home, home, home, home’._ In the end, they jammed to the song together quietly.

 

 

Now, they’re inside one of the cabins that have a roof but no windows (only railings for safety), slowly going up. They’re sitting across each other like usual, enjoying the peaceful moments inside the Ferris wheel. Joker’s eyes are fixated to the railings of the cabin, watching how they’re slowly rising up to the point they could see almost everything in the area. They’re not even halfway up, since the Ferris wheel is so tall.

 

“Joker,”

 

_“Hm?”_

 

“Why do you wanna be a writer?”

 

Joker contemplates for a bit to sort out his words before answering, _“I want to create stories that could hit the nail on the head with such overwhelming strength that would leave a very good emotional impact for days, months even. I... I want to create stories that might help people to be more accepting to each other.”_

 

_“And I want to create stories with topics that can make me help other people in some way. Like, depression, stress, child abuse, sexuality, whatever. I want my messages to properly cross someone. How do I put this... Like, if I can help someone with what I can do, then I would.”_

_“Just one person is okay. Even if there’s only one person I managed to help through my books, then I’m satisfied. That means all the endurance and stress I’ve faced up to this point isn’t in vain.”_

 

Wonwoo smiles. _That’s so Joker._

Admiration may be the correct word to describe Wonwoo’s feelings to Joker. Wonwoo won’t be tired to say ‘Joker is my light’ forever and ever. If he’s alive until then.

 

“Why do you want to help someone so much?”

 

_“Because...”_ Joker smiles, meeting Wonwoo’s eyes. _“I want to change our world.”_

 

“But you do know how ugly this world is. No matter how kind or angelic or genuine you are, there’s always someone who wants to step on you like a speck of dust. There’s always someone who would degrade on your success.”

 

_“I know.”_

 

“You’re kind, Joker. Very kind. But when there’s light, there’s darkness. When there are good people, there are bad people. You know how it works, especially since we’ve faced the same problem during our childhood.”

 

Joker nods slowly, carefully closing his eyes as he slouched further to the chair in the cabin.

 

_“I know.”_

 

“Then why try so hard?”

 

Joker opens his eyes, his smile growing wider but still soft.

 

_“Because I have hope. I have hope that someday, the world will be a better place for us to live in. I have hope that someday, humans will be better. I have hope that someday, I’ll be able to say that I’m proud to be alive. Because I want to change the world.”_

 

“But... The possibility of the world changing is like 1%. It takes more than one person to change the world, Joker. You know that too.”

 

_“You don’t want to change our world?”_

 

The question caught Wonwoo off guard. Joker leans forward a bit, his leg crossing over his other one as he rests his arms on his knee. A curious gaze and kittenish smile decorates Joker’s features, looking directly to Wonwoo’s eyes as his black hair sways back and forth gently from the cold wind.

 

“I do.” Wonwoo confesses. “I do want to change the world. If I were to help you, it still wouldn’t be enough because we’re just two guys out of billions. It takes more than us.”

 

_“That’s why it’s impossible to change the whole world.”_ Joker says.

 

Huh?

 

“Y-you knew that.”

 

_“When did I say I want to change the world?”_ Joker grins. _“I said I want to change_ our _world. Not_ the _world.”_

 

_“To begin with, I don’t care about the whole world. It’s too big for me to pay any attention to. My world is much smaller, allowing me to be able to pay attention to it and want to change it. Each of us have different worlds, Lost. And I want to change ours. I want to rewrite it.”_

 

“But... You said _ours_ instead of _mine,_ judging by how you say it. Not mine, but _yours.”_ Wonwoo points out.

 

_“Yes, and I mean it. I want to change my world and your world. If we could merge our worlds into one, wouldn’t that be... Nice?”_

 

“If only I could, Joker. But I can’t. This is... This is something that I feel like I have to do.”

 

Joker nods slowly before standing up. Wonwoo’s eyes widens in shock, because passengers aren’t allowed to stand up when they’re already so high above the ground. The roof of the round cabin looks like an umbrella, attached to the middle of the floor with a metal pole. Joker’s hand grips the pole tightly before taking a step to his seat, standing on top the seat, threatening to fall.

 

“Joker, what the hell?!” Wonwoo shouts, obviously afraid.

 

_“If that’s what you feel like you have to do, what about me?”_ Joker asks, his black hair brushing widely from the wind. His blue scarf that he always wears is swaying back and forth, his coat following too.

 

Wonwoo is about to stand up immediately, but Joker stops him by stretching his palm to Wonwoo, ignoring the younger’s frightened expression.

 

What if he falls?

 

Joker inspects Wonwoo’s face, _“That’s right; that’s the face I would have if you’re in my place right now.”_

 

“Jesus, just—just get down from there!” Wonwoo says.

 

Joker’s hand releases the pole.

 

Both hands on his sides, he stands there as if he’s about to fall. Wonwoo’s heart accelerates as if he’s running in a marathon, but far worse.

 

_“Lost Jeon Wonwoo, we only have eleven days left._ Eleven _._ ” Joker reminds him. _“There’s still time.”_

 

Wonwoo begins to stammer, “I—I can’t. I just can’t. Even if I go to therapy, I can’t _fix_ myself. I just can’t be like you who try to find the positivity of other people and still hope for the best. I—I just can’t be like you.”

 

_“Therapy only works if you want to change.”_

Wonwoo falls silent.

 

_“Who do you mean?”_ Joker asks.

 

“Huh?” Wonwoo frowns in confusion, but still can’t really focus because Joker is standing there on top of the seat. Even if there are railings, it doesn’t make it any safer when someone looks so ready to jump.

 

_“Joker or Joshua?”_ The ravenette asks. _“Who do you want to be like, Lost?”_

 

Ah, no wonder.

 

_Joker_ is just a mask. _Joker_ is just an excuse for Joshua to live his life while being eaten up by the monsters inside of him. Because of Wonwoo, he unintentionally gives Joshua a mask that can make him play the role as the _Joker_ that Wonwoo knows. If Joshua doesn’t like the real him, there’s Joker to be a substitute. There’s a replacement for Joshua Hong, which is Joker.

 

Wonwoo? Both Lost and Wonwoo doesn’t sound ideal. It doesn’t give him the comfort to hide behind a mask because both sides of him are the same. Broken and unwanted. Unnecessary and useless.

 

_“So? What side of me do you admire?”_ Joker asks.

 

“You.” Wonwoo answers.

 

_“Which ‘you’?”_ Joker asks again.

 

“Joshua Joker Hong.” Wonwoo says. “I told you, didn’t I? You’re great the way you are.”

 

A short moment of silence fills them. Wonwoo studies Joker’s expression that looks like the face of epiphany with a mixture of disbelief.

 

Suddenly, Joker scoffs.

 

And that scoff transforms into a fit of laughter.

 

He tilts his head back, bringing a hand to cover up his laugh in front of his face. His laughter brings confusion to Wonwoo’s mind.

 

“What’s so funny?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“You.”_ Joker replies shortly, brushing a single tear due to laughter from the corner of his eye.

 

Is that happiness in Joker’s eyes?

 

“I—I don’t understand but can you just—“ Wonwoo stammers again, “Like, get down here.”

 

It’s not a question and Joker knows. It’s more like a command.

 

So Joker did that. When he gets his feet back to the floor, Wonwoo immediately pulls Joker to his embrace. Because Wonwoo is sitting, Joker immediately had to land between Wonwoo’s parted legs. Still taken aback by Wonwoo’s sudden gesture, Joker’s hands rests on Wonwoo’s sides awkwardly.

 

_“Lost?”_ Joker calls in confusion.

 

“Don’t do that again.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“But you’re gonna do the same.”_ Joker points out. _“Why can’t I?”_

 

Gosh, Wonwoo is just so _selfish._

“Do you want to die?”

 

_“...I do, but way less than you.”_

 

“Then you shouldn’t.” _Just let me._

 

So Wonwoo lets Joker go as he pulls back. Joker’s hands moves to Wonwoo’s shoulders, gripping them tight. His eyes look so serious, like a mother scolding their child.

 

But all that seriousness fades away as a gentle smile makes its way to Joker’s handsome features. Their faces are pretty close and Wonwoo just realized how long Joker’s eyelashes are, along with the small scar below his eye.

 

_“Thank you.”_ Joker says.

 

Joker gets up, holding the pole.

 

A few seconds later, the door opens.

 

 

 

“You’re crazy, you know that?” Wonwoo comments when they’re back the front gates of the amusement park.

 

_“Not the first time I heard that.”_ Joker grins. He takes something out of his pocket and hands it to Wonwoo. _“Take it.”_

 

“Huh?” Wonwoo takes what’s inside Joker’s hand.

 

A bracelet with a little diamond.

 

Both of them wear the bracelet on their own wrists in the same time.

 

Wonwoo smiles, looking at his bracelet with a fond smile.

 

Not realizing Joker’s skeptical look to Wonwoo.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm updating twice to make up for my short break hehe
> 
> Thank you for reading and giving kudos!


	25. Day 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Wonwoo's sudden feeling of missing that person, to Joker seemingly having a plan in mind.

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 21]**

Lost

_Joker_

Other characters

 

 

 

When the ravenette wakes up in the morning, Lost isn’t to be found. Last night wasn’t awkward between them, although the raventte noticed something strage about Lost, especially the way he looks at him. But if Lost suddenly felt a bit gloomy after what Joker said, then... Joker might’ve said too much.

 

He glances to the small window in his room.

 

The sky is beautiful today. A bright shade of blue with no clouds to be seen.

 

Joker... Ah, what to refer him now?

 

Whenever that enigmatic Lost isn’t around, it’s time for the ravenette boy to go back to his usual identity as Joshua, then. Yes, he’s decided that just now.

 

Now, he’s Joshua.

 

The thought is a bit scary to him, going back to Joshua, that is. But there is something that’s beginning to eat him up again.

 

The feeling of making a mistake.

 

Did he say too much? Did he ruin the calm and playful atmosphere when they were in the Ferris wheel?

 

Joshua looks around, and there’s not a single trace of that person who barged in Joshua’s life as if it was nothing. His bag, his phone, wallet, scarf, whatever, isn’t inside Joshua’s room. So he leaves his bed, only to find a book on top of his desk. He walks towards the desk, and tilts his head to the side when he discovers one of his novels on top of the desk.

 

_“_ Happiness? _I... I never put this here.”_ Joshua says to himself.

 

He takes the book in his hands, wondering why it’s on top of his desk. He never places his novels anywhere but the small bookshelf he has. He likes his things organized, and often get teased by Soonyoung or his other friends.

 

Ah, the day before they went to the amusement park, Joshua had morning classes, right? And... Wonwoo borrowed his book, if he actually borrowed it. Joshua flips the pages of the novel in his hands and found a paper between the two pages.

 

[Thanks, I’m returning this novel today. Wait up, ‘kay?]

 

_“The hell?”_ Joshua hisses under his breath, although there’s no malice or spite in his voice. He places the book on the desk again, grabs his phone and heads downstairs.

 

 

 

“Oh, Soo-yah. Your friend just left a few minutes ago.” Mrs. Eunji tells.

 

_“Eh?”_

 

“He said he wants to go somewhere.”

 

Joshua nods slowly and averts his eyes to the ground, muttering a single ‘Oh...’ before going to his room again.

 

He grabs his coat, wearing it hastily before wrapping his neck with his blue scarf. He takes his phone in his hand before calling the number he’s become so familiar with. Bringing the phone to his ear, he takes a deep breath.

 

[The number you are calling is currently unavailable—]

 

Joshua pushes the end call button. He checks the time from his phone, showing that it’s 09.27 am.

 

Joshua doesn’t know why, but he’s worried.

 

So the first thing that comes to his mind is to find that boy filled with enigma, Lost.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the first time in awhile, Wonwoo thinks. It’s been awhile since he truly felt like he misses someone that left from his doorstep. Someone that left his _life._ He misses someone, but he has this weird feeling of anxiousness that just appeared in his chest without any reasons. Wonwoo shouldn’t be thinking too much, he knows. Sometimes he just feels like his heartbeat will stop any second and it doesn’t help ease his anxiousness at all. But recently, Wonwoo feels like he’s getting better at managing his feelings so he doesn’t end up getting overwhelmed.

 

Joker has helped a lot in that part, really. Wonwoo can’t imagine his life without Joker.

 

_“Ah, you’re here.”_

Wonwoo’s head snaps back up, only to see Joker’s gentle smile. He just arrived from the ladder to this secret hideout of theirs. When his feet touch the floor of the rooftop, he dusts off his coat. He walks towards Wonwoo and then sitting next to him. _"You didn't answer my call."_

 

"Sorry, my phone was on silent."

 

For a second, Wonwoo forgets his anxiousness.

 

This may sound cheesy, but does Joker’s smile makes Wonwoo weak _that_ much? Wonwoo doesn’t know.

 

_“Why are you here?”_ Joker asks. _“You got me worried for nothing.”_

 

True enough, without Wonwoo knowing, Joker was thinking about Wonwoo, worried of his well-being but Joker decides to stay silent of that matter. Back to Lost, Wonwoo begins to contemplate if he should answer or not. Well, he definitely wound answer. But just— _how?_

“It’s a pathetic and weird story.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Define_ weird _when it comes to your stories.”_ Joker challenges with a grin.

 

Wonwoo scoffs, “True enough.”

 

_“Do you wanna talk about it?”_ Joker asks softly.

 

In all honesty, Wonwoo doesn’t know how to tell him. But this is Joker we’re talking about, it should be fine.

 

“You know,” Wonwoo starts. “I’ve stopped having nightmares recently.”

 

_“So you just had one?”_ Joker asks.

 

“Yeah but... Not quite, but there’s some stuff I wanna tell.” Wonwoo says, his eyes already looking like ‘shut up I’m gonna say something good’ to Joker and he (cutely) nods enthusiastically.

 

_“That is?”_

 

“First of all, did you know that my mom is— _was_ —a strict person?” Wonwoo asks. Joker nods at that. “Okay so... I had a dream about when I was little.”

 

“She yelled at me a lot of times, even for the slightest mistake. And when I had some stuff to tell her whether it’d be about school or friends, she didn’t really have time to listen to me. Since my dad was useless, she had to do everything alone.”

 

_“Ah, you’ve told me that.”_ Joker says, as if reminding himself.

 

“Yeah, I did.” Wonwoo nods. “But still, she’s strong. That’s something I admire for her, even if she wasn’t much of a ‘good’ mother-figure for me when I was little. In the end I had to do stuff by myself.”

 

Joker nods.

 

“But near the end of this dream, I dreamt that she came back.” Wonwoo says. “She came back home. To me.”

 

“She said she’s been waiting for me and... Yeah. It wasn’t a nightmare, but... I guess I just miss her. A bit. Or maybe not _‘a bit’_. Even though she left me behind and practically forced me to live with the person I feared the most.”

 

_“Ah, I see...”_ Joker mumbles. _“Do you... Hate her?”_

 

Oh.

 

During these past 21 days, Wonwoo hadn’t thought if he actually hates her now. It’s all in the past now, right? Well, Wonwoo wouldn’t say ‘it’s all in the past’ out loud, since... Who the fuck would forget about it so quickly? Who the hell would forget about the mistreatment people gave you, particularly people who should’ve been your father and mother? Not Wonwoo. Wonwoo doesn’t know if there’s anybody out there who’s like that, but it’s certainly not Wonwoo.

 

But if he must to answer Joker’s question, no, Wonwoo doesn’t _hate_ her. He just doesn’t _love_ her. He doesn’t love her, but he doesn’t _hate_ her too. He just can’t forgive her for leaving him behind, although he completely understands why and doesn’t blame her for it.

 

“I don’t... I don’t hate her. I just don’t love her.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Oh, alright then.”_ Joker says. _“Tell me more about her?”_

 

Wonwoo looks at Joker as if a big question mark appears from the top of Wonwoo’s head. Joker looks... Genuinely curious, although there’s some sort of spark in his eyes that Wonwoo can’t help but catch on.

 

“She was a pharmacist, waitress, and a stripper.” Wonwoo informs.

 

_“She must be pretty then?”_

 

“Well... Yeah, she was. She looked younger than her actual age, as far as I remember.” Wonwoo says. “But then she quitted her third job and then became a florist. She took a lot of jobs, actually.” Wonwoo says. “No wonder she got stressed out.”

 

_“Has she ever contacted you since she left?”_

 

“Not at all. I don’t know her whereabouts. Not even our neighbors or other family relatives know about her. Let’s just say she pretty much disappeared from the world. Probably has another family now.”

 

_“Okay... Was she a pharmacist in a hospital or clinic or what?”_ Joker asks again. _“Hell, where did she even work? She had four jobs including the stripper one, yeah?”_

 

“She worked in a hospital as a pharmacist in Busan. I forgot where exactly, though. She never told me much.” Wonwoo tells. “She worked at Starbucks in Busan as a waitress, and then a night club near White Moon University. Lastly she worked at a flower shop in Busan too.”

 

_“What about her name?”_ Joker asks again, seemingly interested to this woman for some reason.

 

“Jeon Jihye.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Ah, I see.”_ Joker says.

 

“You’re planning something.” Wonwoo accuses. Joker tilts his head to the side, muttering a ‘hm?’ in confusion when Wonwoo accuses. “You’re planning something.”

 

_“I heard you, okay?”_ Joker smiles. _“In the end, she seems to be nice enough to be working so hard for you. I just want to give that person half of my respect.”_

 

Wonwoo gives him a look that says ‘bullshit’, but Joker gives him a smug look instead.

 

_“You see, Lost, I don’t want you to get mistaken here. I just... If there’s some way to convey it, I want you to brag to her.”_

 

“Brag?” Wonwoo scoffs. “Brag about what? I have no single achievements. Hell, I’m gonna kill myself at the end of the month, right before New Year’s Eve. If that’s something for me to brag about, then sure, I will.”

 

_“No, dumbass.”_ Joker says. _“I want you to brag how much of a savior you became.”_

 

“Are you implying that I’ve saved someone?”

 

_“Yes. Particularly me.”_

 

“No way, you’re _my savior.”_

 

_“I can’t be a savior if I haven’t saved someone. I’m in the process now. I want to reach for your hand in these raging waves, y’know?”_ Joker smiles. _“Plus, you’ve successfully became my umbrella under the rain.”_

 

A wave of déjà vu hits Wonwoo like a car crash for a few seconds. If only Wonwoo had a stronger memory than now, he would’ve wanted to record his whole conversations with Joker from his phone. Damn, how come he never did that?

 

“I wish I recorded our conversations from our previous phone calls.” Wonwoo sighs.

 

Then Joker takes out his phone from his pocket and so very quickly dialed Wonwoo’s number. When Wonwoo’s phone vibrates on his coat, he takes it out and turns his head to Joker, only to see his smug grin and phone on his right ear.

 

So Wonwoo answers the call, even though they’re literally right next to each other.

 

“Hello?” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Hello to you too,”_ Joker says. _“By the way, record this.”_

 

So Wonwoo did as he was told. He meant it as a joke, not literally. But if he can keep something Joker related, then why the fuck not.

 

_“Okay, so, even though it’s quite embarrassing since we’re sitting next to each other, I guess we should just act like we’re miles away for now. So don’t look at me and spoil the fun, Lost.”_

 

“How am I supposed to do that?” Wonwoo asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

 

_“Just talk. Don’t turn your head at me. Just imagine you’re back in Busan and needs someone to talk to, no matter how stupid the conversation is.”_

 

“Like that whale conversation we had? 52 Hertz Whale? Koala?”

 

_“Certainly.”_ Joker smirks. _“Although it’s one of the most memorable conversations we had, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s honestly quite stupid.”_

 

_“But thanks to that, I got some inspirations to work on a picture book.”_

“Picture book? You can draw?” Wonwoo asks, quite surprised.

 

_“Oh, I’m not the one who does the illustrations. I’m only in charge of writing and my other friend will draw it. It’s one of our projects until the end of semester.”_

 

“The hell, isn’t that interesting? Unfair.”

 

_“But don’t you have some projects to do too?”_ Joker asks.

 

“I do, but not writing a book.” Wonwoo answers with a huff. “Not yet, at least. Probably next semester.”

 

_“Then if you’re anticipating it so much, then live.”_

 

“It’s not that easy for me.”

 

_“But you’re having the time of your life here.”_

Well, Joker’s got a point.

 

But even _if_ Wonwoo actually manages to gain back his will to live that he already lost long ago, it would be _hell_ to continue living his life. Maybe he shouldn’t have meet up with a damn stranger from the phone and risk his college life. But if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have met such a wonderful person like Joker.

 

Wonwoo is just being selfish and childish here. Selfish because of a lot of reasons that were mentioned a few times before, and childish because... Wonwoo doesn’t want to go back to his own life.

 

He wants to stay in this dream-like world of Joker’s forever.

 

Isn’t that what childish is? Or is it the same as selfishness? Stupidity? Tenacity?

 

Wonwoo doesn’t know. But at the same time he doesn’t _want_ to know. He always enjoyed learning something new ( _excluding_ the ones he learned from school), but this is one of things he _doesn’t_ want to know.

 

“You’re wonderful.” Wonwoo says. “Maybe that’s why I can enjoy my time fully here without thinking much about my own life for a little while.”

 

_“Although I understand that that’s quite the luxury for us, I still think that...”_ Joker pauses _. “This is both a reality and a fantasy for both of us.”_

 

_“It’s a fantasy because we can act like the world never existed in the first place like this. It’s a fantasy because we can pretend like we’re somewhat okay, but we can’t actually be called_ okay _.”_ Joker says. _“But it’s the reality because we’re actually talking next to each other right now.”_

 

“Even the fantasy part sounds like reality.” Wonwoo says. “It happened.”

 

_“Yup. Like now.”_ Joker chuckles. _“Y’know, I wanna go back to my hometown one day.”_

 

“You wanna meet your mom?”

 

_“Of course I do. When I meet her at her grave, I’m gonna keep all of it a secret.”_

 

“All of it? What do you mean?”

 

_“I’m gonna keep the fact that my dad once abused me a secret. I don’t want her to be worried.”_ Joker tells. _“I’ll be sure to tell her about you. I’m gonna brag how I got such a wonderful friend from a fateful encounter by phone calls. Bless Taehyung for giving you my number, really.”_

Wonwoo blinks a few times. He gulps nervously, “You don’t have to brag about me to your mother.”

 

_“What are you saying, of course I’m gonna tell her a lot of stuff.”_

 

“It’s like you’re bragging about your new girlfriend, Joker.” Wonwoo retorts. “Or a new wife, who knows.”

 

Joker falls silent for a few seconds. Although Wonwoo _had_ a little bit of fantasies regarding Joker (no, nothing too bad other than being lovey dovey and some shit), he’s quite... Curious about what does Joker think about Wonwoo.

 

_“Ah, you’re right,”_ Joker mumbles. _“Then should I tell her that you’re my ‘man in the same boat’?”_

 

Wonwoo feels like his head’s about to crack. “And what do you mean by man in the same boat? That we have similar situations and experiences?”

 

_“You guessed it.”_ Joker grins.

 

 Wonwoo brings his knees to his chest just like Joker who copies Wonwoo who copies Joker.

 

After a few moments of peaceful silence for Wonwoo, Joker takes a deep breath and claws gently on his blue scarf, his other hand tightening on his phone.

 

_“Lost,”_ Joker calls. _“What time is it?”_

 

Wonwoo checks his wrist watch, saying, “It’s 11.28 am. Why?”

 

Joker smiles, _“Let’s go somewhere tomorrow night.”_

 

“Oh?” Wonwoo’s ears perk up at that. “Fine by me. Where to?”

 

_“Well... Somewhere.”_ Joker mumbles. _“Anyways, what do you wanna do now?”_

 

“Can I take a look at your bookshelf again?”

 

Joker chuckles. _“Sure. Let’s go home then.”_

 

 

 

**[05.41 pm]**

Wonwoo squeals when his eyes moved to each sentences in the pages, absorbing the scene of a cute newly married couple of the novel he borrowed from Joker a few minutes ago. Using his imaginations for this cheesy but adorable scene, he squeals once again and bites his lower lip to contain himself from possible hyperventilating—

 

_“Lost, you look like you’re freaking ill.”_ Joker comments.

 

“Hush.” Wonwoo says simply. “How come you keep this cheesy and sappy ass novel? This is cute, though.”

 

_“I needed some comedic relief and fluffy stories to heal my soul.”_ Joker snorts simply. He sits on top of his desk, his leg crossing over the other as he lifts his _Romeo and Juliet_ book. _“But that one_ is _cute, really. Especially when they’re having a cheesy marriage proposal, I almost flipped the table.”_

 

Wonwoo nods vigorously.

 

This isn’t the first time Wonwoo imagines having a spectacular and sweet time with Joker. Well, they always have, but Wonwoo means in another way.

 

Is it weird if Wonwoo imagines a future he can have with Joker? Wait, who is he kidding? Of course it’s weird; he’s imagining those things as if he had a future to begin with. It’s best if that ravenette boy remains completely unaware of Wonwoo’s thoughts and feelings about him.

 

But when Wonwoo tries to steal a glance to Joker for no reason (?) whatsoever, the boy has a playful kittenish grin drawn on his face as Wonwoo locked his eyes with Joker.

 

It’s only for a split second, but Wonwoo finds himself quckly looking downwards to the book in his hands once again.

 

_Was Joker staring at me?_

Nah, probably not. Joker continues to read the pages, feeling troubled because of the heavy words used on Shakespeare’s works. It’s not something that’s completely unusual or surprising since, well, it’s _Shakespeare._ Of course 75% of the words used on his works (including _Romeo and Juliet)_ is not so understandable for Joker, even though his mother language is English.

 

Wonwoo doesn’t understand the words used in Shakespeare. Like, at all. But he understands the story and gets the gist of the characters as well. Of course, he had this friend who is a Shakespeare maniac and Wonwoo gets a lot of info regarding his works.

 

_“My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have,”_ Joker recites with his usual gentle voice in English and Wonwoo never thought he actually needed it.

 

“For both are infinite.”

_“For both are infinite.”_

When both of them realized they recite it out loud in sync, Joker chuckles along with Wonwoo.

 

_“Your pronunciation is quite good, Lost.”_ Joker compliments.

 

Wonwoo feels a hint of warmth on his ears, trying to keep his cool as he goes back to the pages, “No, my grammar is horrible.”

 

_“But your pronunciation is good. You had a bit of an accent, but it’s passable.”_ Joker smiles.

 

“Um... Thank you, I guess.” Wonwoo mumbles.

 

_“You’re welcome~”_ Joker says.

 

So they continued on reading their books in comfortable, peaceful silence other than the fact that Wonwoo’s brain is creating a ruckus inside his head. As much as he wants to imagine having a lovely date with Joker because the fag inside Wonwoo is definitely but _very_ subtly showing, Wonwoo doesn’t know Joker’s type and preference.

 

But still, he can’t risk the peaceful atmosphere by asking or bringing up the topic. It would be bad for Wonwoo’s heart.

 

Because he likes what he has now.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God it's been awhile since I've updated TT
> 
> I'm truly sorry for the wait because I was very confused what to write for this chapter and this story is becoming a mess lmao. As always, thank you for reading this and deciding to stick with this mess <3333333
> 
> Also I think I'm gonna be making a new AU. My head is filled with too many ideas I simply cannot ignore, help. And since I was in quite a hurry in writing this, I didn't really re-read this chapter (again) so if there's some mistakes or typos, please let me know!


	26. Day 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day filled with peace and content without caring about anything including tomorrow. Wonwoo's feelings are growing stronger, unfortunately supported by Joker's obliviousness(?).

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 22]**

Lost

_Joker_

_“Ah, is that so?”_

_“Mm-hmm... Oh, very well. I’ll do that.”_

_“Oh, I understand. Thank you for your time.”_

 Wonwoo wakes up from his sleep. Although he swears he heard Joker talking to someone else, possibly on the phone outside of the room, Wonwoo couldn’t care less. His mind was hazy as he wakes up, but he plans on going back to his hotel because his things were still there. It would be a waste of money if he always sleeps in Joker’s house.

 

Wonwoo yawns, and Joker comes back inside the room, leaning against his desk. “You awake?”

 

“More or less.” Wonwoo slightly groans, getting up from the bed. “I think I’m gonna go back to the hotel today. Can’t keep bothering you like this.”

 

_“Actually I don’t mind, but if you want to it’s okay with me. I can just come and play.”_ Joker smiles.

 

“Don’t you have classes today?”

 

_“I skip it.”_ Joker shrugs like it’s the most natural thing to do when they’re literally talking about college.

 

“You sure about that?” Wonwoo asks, frowning a bit. He doesn’t want Joker to skip classes because of him.

 

_“I’m very sure about that. It’s not like today’s class in anything important. Just gotta give some assignments to the lecturer but I’ve done that earlier than the rest of my classmates.”_ Joker informs. _“So I’m free.”_

 

“So it’s alright if you skip today’s class?”

 

Joker nods. _“I’m also glad that the lecturer likes me. Of course, because I always do her tasks perfectly.”_ He winks in a teasing tone.

 

Wonwoo feels like this is some sort of trigger, but in the end Wonwoo just _has_ to know about Joker’s preference. He doesn’t hope much, but regardless he still needs to know.

 

“Speaking of which, what’s your type?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Oh?”_ Joker raises his eyebrows with a slight grin _. “That’s unexpected coming from you.”_

 

“I just got curious. You already knew about my type anyway.” Wonwoo says.

 

But Joker has this straight face that Wonwoo catches. Joker seems like he’s turning his brain all over his place just to remember a small detail, which Wonwoo ends up chuckling.

 

Joker seems taken aback, _“I just forgot!”_

 

“I know!” Wonwoo grins. “I prefer a sweet person. Y’know, the type who can make me feel all giddy, like I’m on top of clouds with shiny rainbows?”

 

Joker nods a few times, humming. _“But you said you’re bisexual.”_

 

Wonwoo blinks as his mind stops working for a few seconds. He twists his brain, thinking so hard when he confirmed it to Jo—

 

_“You said that to Soonyoungie the first time you met him.”_ Joker adds, making Wonwoo remember.

 

Wonwoo doesn’t particularly mind if Joker knows that Wonwoo is bisexual. Hell, that guy’s open-minded as fuck, it’s not something Wonwoo should worry about. But there _is_ something that he just can’t let Joker know about.

 

Well, his feelings for Joker of course.

 

This isn’t the first time Wonwoo’s been eyeing on a dude, probably this is the third time. But Wonwoo always made sure to not let his male crushes knew about Wonwoo’s crush to them. And that includes Joker.

 

_Especially_ because this is Joker.

 

“Well that’s true,” Wonwoo shrugs.

 

_“That means you also have a type for dudes too, yeah?”_ Joker asks, walking to the bed so he can sit next to Wonwoo on the mattress.

 

“Damn right.” Wonwoo says. “But what about you? You got a type?”

 

Joker seems like he’s thinking hard before collapsing backwards to the mattress, his skinny hands resting below his head. Wonwoo follows too, laying down beside him and looks to the ceiling.

 

_“Um...”_ Joker hums, still thinking. _“Actually, I’ve never... Liked someone before. I never even got interested with a hot looking girl or dude standing in front of me. So I don’t know if I have a type.”_

 

“So... Asexual much?” Wonwoo asks. “Or aromantic?”

 

Joker shakes his head. _“I don’t know. I don’t think of myself as normal too because of this. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want to experience romance too. But for some reason no one really catches my eye.”_

 

“Not even once?”

 

_“Not even once.”_

Wonwoo purses his lips, humming in response.

 

_“Ah!”_ Joker exclaims. _“Actually, I think there is someone I’m interested in.”_

 

“Oh?” Wonwoo raises an eyebrow.

 

_“I’ve known them for quite some time, and they’re really nice to me.”_ Joker tells.

 

“How long have you been friends with this person?”

 

Joker opens his mouth slightly, _“Since... Student orientation, I think? We were on the same group and we just... Kind of stick to each other. I’m amazed though.”_

 

Ah, it’s not Wonwoo. Damn it.

 

Wonwoo turns his head to Joker, who is still looking at the ceiling. “Why are you amazed?”

 

Joker lets out a chuckle, _“I mean, just look at me. I’m practically made out of skin and bones and they still look at me normally. They have my utmost respect.”_

 

Ah, no wonder. Rather than having a specific type, Joker wants the love of his life to like him for who he is and not look at him with eyes of disgust. It’s understandable, Wonwoo would like his future girlfriend (or husband, he’s open-minded) to accept Wonwoo for who he is too. Isn’t that supposed to be a number one priority?

 

_“Hey, Lost.”_

 

“Yeah?”

 

_“It’s still 10 am, wanna play Othello?”_

 

“Sure.”

 

Joker takes out a small black bag from below his bed. Inside the bag is the board and pieces. He opens the bag, lays out the green board on the bed, and Wonwoo helps in sorting the pieces. Once they’re done, they decided who got what color by rock paper scissors. In the end, Joker gets the white pieces and Wonwoo the black ones.

 

Black goes first, so Wonwoo places a black piece and flips a white one into black. It’s Joker’s turn, and he does the same, placing a white piece to change a black piece into white.

 

It keeps going on like that. The more pieces appears on the board, the more brain cells Wonwoo loses. Joker is good in Othello, or maybe it’s because Wonwoo himself isn’t so tactical. But Joker doesn’t tease, simply continuing the game until all squares are filled with pieces either black or white colored ones.

 

“Say, Joker,” Wonwoo says. “We going somewhere tonight?”

 

_“Mm-hmm.”_ Joker smiles. _“I wanna try something dangerous.”_

 

Dangerous?

 

Wonwoo’s ears perks up at that, “What do you mean?”

 

Joker only smirks. _“This will be a bad idea, but I don’t fucking care when I always wanted to try this for years. Before we go there, let’s eat something warm.”_

 

“You’re gonna _eat?”_

_“As much as I don’t really like to, I gotta eat something, right?”_ Joker says.

 

“...True.” Wonwoo says. “Just, kind of unexpected, coming from you. No offense, though.”

 

_“I know.”_

 

Then they resume playing. It’s quite the match; even Joker had to stop for a bit to think of his next move. He flips a few pieces into white, then allowing Wonwoo to take his turn. After a few more challenging turns, Wonwoo loses. Really, will Wonwoo be good at playing Othello someday?

 

After that, they played another round. After Joker wins two more times, Wonwoo—finally—wins a round, which is because of Joker’s fatal mistake that he realizes a bit too late, making Wonwoo take that chance. Time flows quickly, and when Joker checks the clock in his room, he’s surprised. The clock shows 14.45.

 

Well it might be understandable if they played that long, considering they (without realizing) ended up talking to each other and neglects the Othello for a bit before continuing the game, then repeating the whole thing again.

 

_“It’s already noon, wanna go outside?”_ Joker invites.

 

“Where to?”

 

Joker shrugs his shoulders.

 

 

 

In the end, they went to the same ramen shop they went together. Joker, for some reason, had a sudden want to eat and Wonwoo is more than happy to comply. But why, though? Joker restricts his meals and Wonwoo doesn’t really know why.

 

Wonwoo orders a tonkotsu ramen and Joker a shoyu ramen. The same menu they ordered the first time they came here. After several minutes of talking, their ramen arrives on top of their table.

 

Joker is properly eating, albeit slowly. But Wonwoo still can’t really understand why.

 

“What’s gotten into you all of a sudden?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“I just want to fill my stomach before doing the stupidest thing in my life.”_ Joker replies, cooling down the noodles.

 

“And what are you gonna do?” Wonwoo questions.

 

Joker seems to be slightly amused, the corner of his lips twitches upwards just a bit. _“It won’t be stupid and fun if I told you.”_

 

“I just hope you won’t hurt yourself in this whole ‘fun’.”

 

_“I won’t.”_ Joker says confidently. _“...I hope.”_

 

Wonwoo sighs, and they continue their peaceful meal. Joker keeps checking his watch when they eat, the watch showing it’s now 15.41 pm. Wonwoo keeps wondering where they’re gonna go to, but Joker seems to be having an unexpected place in mind.

 

After an hour and half, they both finished their meals. Surprisingly, in Joker’s part. Wonwoo feels rather happy, though. It feels like they’re just normal people with normal lives, going out to play like normal guys.

 

There’s a spark in Joker’s eyes that can’t go unnoticed, which Wonwoo catches on. Can’t wait for the ‘fun’ Joker has in store, Wonwoo asks, “When are we going?”

 

_“Let’s go right now.”_

 

 

 

18.13 pm, they’re walking by foot. Joker leads the way like usual. Wonwoo doesn’t mind walking, but...

 

Holy shit this place is far.

 

Wonwoo doesn’t really feel tired, but his legs are starting to feel a bit wobbly. Joker seems like he’s quite used to it, which makes Wonwoo wonder how many times Joker comes here.

 

The city is still visible, but around here is quite eerie. It’s dark, the lampposts didn’t do much of a good job in giving light. There’s also a forest near there, which doesn’t seem to be a forest you can just step into.

 

_“We’re going in to that forest.”_ Joker says.

 

“...Come again?” Wonwoo furrows his eyebrows.

 

_“Even though it’s still this hour, it’s quite dark there.”_ Joker informs. _“Do you mind holding hands?”_

 

Well, who is Wonwoo to say no? Although it’s quite weird. Wonwoo nods, and they both enter the forest, jumping over the fence that guards the forest.

 

When they’re in the zone of the forest, Joker takes Wonwoo’s hand in his, guiding him amidst the darkness of this lonesome forest. It’s undeniably dark, but not too dark to the point Wonwoo can’t see anything.

 

Joker’s hand in Wonwoo’s grasp makes him feel calm. His hand is cold, colder than Wonwoo’s own hand. But it’s all because of the winter, and Wonwoo doesn’t mind Joker’s cold hand. It’s oddly pleasant.

 

_“Watch your step.”_ Joker reminds as they move forward.

 

“Where are we going?” Wonwoo asks. “In a place like this, you can totally kill me.”

 

_“I mean, technically you’re not wrong.”_ Joker says. _“I can totally kill you here and nobody will know.”_

 

Of course, he’s just joking. It’s obvious. But there’s this sudden idea of Joker killing Wonwoo brought a strange appeal to the boy’s head. It would probably be nice, but they both know that will never happen in a million years.

 

Joker examines a tree, and when Wonwoo squints, he can see an X mark engraved to the tree. Joker smiles, “We’re almost there.”

 

“What’s with the X mark?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“I did that.”_ Joker tells. _“I don’t wanna get lost here, so that tree is like a sign that I’m in the right path.”_

 

“Ah, I see.”

 

Several more footsteps and the sounds of the rustling trees, Wonwoo’s eyes widens at the sight of many fireflies glowing and lighting up the darkness. The beautiful small green-ish yellow lights are so... Breathtaking. How come Joker knows about this place?

 

A firefly makes its way to rest on Wonwoo’s shoulder, its light lighting up perfectly. A wave of satisfaction rushes through Wonwoo’s mind, because this is the first time he’s seen fireflies like this.

 

_“Pretty, right?”_ Joker says, smiling.

 

Wonwoo hums in approval, can’t stop himself from smiling. God, when Wonwoo imagines this, this whole thing is just so cheesy. As they continue their walk, more fireflies greets them with their light, flying all over the place in a beautiful manner. It’s as if those fireflies are guiding them to a specific place.

 

After a few more steps, Joker stops, followed by Wonwoo who can only look to the place in front of him.

 

_“We’re here.”_

 

A lake. A lake in the middle of the forest, shined by fireflies and the stars on the night sky. The lake is reflecting the stars and fireflies beautifully, with small flowers decorating the grass. It’s very fantasy-like, the type of place Wonwoo never thought he would go to. But Joker proves him otherwise, which makes Wonwoo realize that there’s so much place he doesn’t know about. Despite the cold, it’s still beautiful.

 

“Holy shit,” Wonwoo mumbles. “This is...”

 

_“Last time I came here, I just graduated high school.”_ Joker tells _. “I’m glad nothing changes.”_

 

“How did you...” Wonwoo pauses, still amazed by the beautiful view of the lake. “How did you know about this place?”

 

_“I go to weird places every now and then.”_ Joker shrugs his shoulders. _“Won’t be weird if I stumbled upon this lake.”_

 

“You’re unbelievable.” Wonwoo comments.

 

_“I get that a lot.”_   Joker smirks.

 

There’s a few big rocks on the ground, perfect to be sat on. Joker sits on one of the rocks, telling Wonwoo to sit down too. Wonwoo complies, sitting next to him.

 

“Can I like, take a picture?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Sure, it’s not like I own this place.”_ Joker nods.

 

Wonwoo quickly takes out his phone, taking a quick shot of the lake with fireflies. It’s dark, but Wonwoo just wants to keep this place burned in his memory because, why not?

 

“Seriously, how come you just stumble upon this place?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“One of my hobbies is venturing around town by foot. When I go here by the same route we took, I was curious with what’s inside. Turns out it’s one of the best places I’ve ever visited.”_ Joker tells.

 

“How come you randomly want to go here, though?”

 

_“I just did.”_ Joker smiles. _“But I first came here in summer. It’s far, and hot, but I have no regrets. The fireflies are prettier in summer.”_

 

“But isn’t this winter? Shouldn’t they be hibernating?” Wonwoo questions.

 

_“I don’t know.”_ Joker says. “Maybe Fate just wants the fireflies to light up today.” He grins. _“Or maybe it’s still... 18.21.”_

 

Wonwoo began to think that the so-called ‘godly being’ known as the author just wanted the fireflies to appear in the freaking December for the whole roller coaster ride. Wonwoo doesn’t complain, just... Questioning because fireflies should be hibernating in winter, right? Unless if winter fireflies exist, which Wonwoo doesn’t know.

 

But then, Joker stands up, leaving Wonwoo confused. He takes off his scarf, then his coat, leaving it on top of the rock he sat on after folding it so it won’t touch the ground.

 

Joker is wearing a black turtleneck sweater tucked in black pants without his blue coat. Joker takes off his shoes and socks, then walking towards the lake.

 

“Are you going to do what I’m thinking?” Wonwoo asks, suspicion rising up.

 

Joker doesn’t answer, only dipping his feet to the water. It’s icy cold, but nothing unbearable. He takes another step, both feet in the water.

 

“Are you suicidal?” Wonwoo asks, making a face.

 

_“Well... Not like you?”_ Joker says, shrugging his shoulders.

 

Good point. But Joker keeps walking further to the cold water, to the point his shins are drowned by the lake. The water seeps through his pants, and it would surely get colder after he went out.

 

_“Ah, it’s not so deep after all.”_ Joker comments, taking a few steps further till the water touches his knees. Joker turns to face Wonwoo, placing  his hand elegantly in the centre of his chest, bowing forward like a gentleman, _“Join me, Lost.”_

 

“What is this, Azura from Fire Emblem when she’s performing in front of Garon?” Wonwoo scoffs, but standing up and abandoning his coat and scarf anyway.

 

_“Eh, you play Fire Emblem too?”_ Joker raises his eyebrows, making Wonwoo shot up.

 

“You too?”

 

Joker nods furiously, a childish grin plastered on his face. Wonwoo smiles, he could practically feel honey dripping from his eyes. Wonwoo often gets reminded of Azura ever time he sees water, and no, he’s not a weeb. He places his coat and scarf on a rock messily and takes off his shoes. He walks towards Joker in barefoot, and honestly, it’s chilly as fuck.

 

Wonwoo tests the temperature of the lake with his toe, but before he could pull his foot away, Joker pulled him by Wonwoo’s wrist further to the water, making him stumble on his steps and almost falling.

 

Luckily, despite Joker’s skinny frame, he caught Wonwoo in time. But that doesn’t change the fact that both of their pants became wet from the cold water, and the droplets of water also managed to make its way to their upper knees.

 

“Are you sure you’re going to stay here??” Wonwoo questions, dumbfounded. “It’s fucking freezing!”

 

Joker laughs. His laughter is so warm, mellifluous even. He seems oddly amused, which Wonwoo doesn’t know if that’s a bad or a good thing. _“That’s why I said I wanted to try something dangerous but stupid!”_

 

“What, splashing yourself with this cold as water? Or being a masochist and freeze?” Wonwoo questions sarcastically. “Or making your step-mom scream histerically?”

 

_“Except for the last one.”_ Joker says. But then he raises his finger and brings it in front of his lips, smirking, _“Keep this a secret, please?”_

 

Again, Wonwoo can’t say no. He sighs, “Fine. I’m not gonna be responsible if you get sick.”

 

_“And I won’t! It’s not like I’m here to swim or anything, I’m not asking for death that much.”_

 

Then Joker walks even further, not caring from the water hitting his knees. Deeper and deeper, till his mid-thighs are in the  water. He looks to the water reflecting the light of the fireflies and the stars above the sky. The moon shines against the strands of Joker’s black hair and skin, mixed with the dim green light of the fireflies. He truly looks beautiful, despite his slender face from the lack of flesh, his small body practically swallowed by the sweater and Wonwoo is quite sure his sweater is at least small sized for adults. His back is slouched forward a bit, which Wonwoo never noticed until now, maybe?

 

No matter how you look at it, Joker isn’t physically healthy. He’s too skinny for his age. Wonwoo thinks if there’s something he can do, but then again he remembers that despite them being friends, their relationship is like a contract. Now, they only have nine days left.

 

Joker seems to notice Wonwoo’s clouded thoughts when he looks up, so he dips his hands in the water, bringing them up, and cupping Wonwoo’s cheeks with his ice cold hands that caused Wonwoo to yelp and shoulders practically shaking.

 

Joker breaks into a good fit of laughter upon Wonwoo’s reaction. Wonwoo hisses, although there’s no spite or annoyance behind it.

 

Joker steps back quickly, even though water is splashing to everywhere.

 

He makes a cupping pose of his hands, bringing a handful of water in his water. He glances to Wonwoo with an evil grin on his face, and Wonwoo’s eyes has ‘try me’ all over. When Joker splashes a little bit of water to him, Wonwoo gets his revenge and splashes him too. Then, it repeats.

 

It’s stupid, really. Splashing cold water to each other in _winter_ of all seasons. But Wonwoo and Joker just... Happens to meet during winter. December. And despite the cold water and air attacking them, bright smiles that are warmer than the sun appears on their face. Perhaps this is what Joker meant from ‘doing something dangerous’ because there’s a chance that both of them will catch a cold, or a fever, or hypothermia. Either way, it’s as if they’re challenging sickness and all. So don’t imitate their stupidity.

 

Joker’s hair became a bit wet. He pushes his bangs up to his forehead, and Wonwoo almost got a heart attack. This is one of the few rare moments Joker seems so free. The other one being the Farris wheel moment.

 

Both of them are practically drenched. Wonwoo squeezes his sweater to reduce the water from it, and Joker doesn’t even bother. After several minutes, they gave up and went back to the ground.

 

“We shouldn’t have done that.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Nope!”_ Joker says, despite his body shivering against his will. He puts his coat back on along with his scarf, but rather than tying it into a Parisian knot like he usually do, he wraps the scarf around his neck messily, even covering half of his face with it.

 

Wonwoo also slip into his coat, but wraps his scarf randomly. After making sure they didn’t left anything including their phones and wallet, Joker takes Wonwoo’s hand again and left the beautiful lake that Wonwoo won’t know when he’ll come back there again.

 

 

 

They’re running.

 

They’re running like crazy. Hand in hand, drenched in water in December’s winter, passing by the crowd that keeps staring at them for a second in confusion. Usually, they won’t even want to attract other people’s attentions. But for some reason they couldn’t care less.

 

Passing by stores, and a sea of countless humans who has their own lives (plus staring at the two insane college men), Joker and Wonwoo are the two people amidst the sea of humans who doesn’t seem to care about anything.

 

It feels oddly romantic, like they just had a date.

 

Wonwoo leads Joker this time, still gripping his slender hand tightly as they run. They’re panting and shivering, but they don’t care.

 

_“Lost, you better keep this a secret from my parents!”_ Joker reminds.

 

“I will, I will.” Wonwoo says.

 

_“Where are we going now?”_

 

“To my hotel room.” Wonwoo tells. “We don’t want your parents bite our asses, yeah?”

 

 

 

When they arrive, Wonwoo is quick to take out his card key from his wallet. Sliding the card to the card reader, the door unlocks and inside, Wonwoo’s things are still there safely despite not coming back for a few days just to stay in Joker’s house.

 

Joker keeps jumping slightly in front of the doorstep as he slips out of his shoes from the cold. Wonwoo goes inside the bathroom and prepares the bathtub filled with warm water. As the tap is still running, Wonwoo takes two towels from the shelf of the bathroom, passing one to Joker who catches it and smiles.

 

Joker is ruffling his hair with the towel, while Wonwoo dries his body first with the towel. Then when the bathtub is almost overfilled with water, Wonwoo quickly turns off the tap.

 

“So, who goes first?” Wonwoo asks.

 

Joker thinks for a bit. _“I don’t know. The one who goes last would get too cold.”_

 

“Are you suggesting we go together?”

 

_“Not really, but if that’s the fastest solution?”_

 

When Joker tilts his head, Wonwoo follows. Joker isn’t comfortable with his body, right? Is he serious about saying that? And even if they’re both guys, taking off his shirt in front of Joker scares the shit out of him.

 

“That would be more convenient but...” Wonwoo trails off. “Are you okay with that?”

 

_“It’s just you.”_ Joker shruggs.

 

“I don’t know if I should be honored about that or not.” Wonwoo confesses.

 

_“Well you should.”_ Joker giggles. _“Let’s keep our boxers on.”_

 

“Of course.”

 

 

 

This is the first time for Wonwoo to take a bath with someone. The bathtub is thankfully quite big, so there’s enough space between them. But because they’re bathing together, they need to sit with their knees against their chest, and it’s not something bothersome.

 

Joker slides further to the tub, practically sinking to the warm water as a change. It’s peaceful, which is quite odd. Joker’s ribs are showing a bit, and his arms are indeed bony. Of course, including his legs. Wonwoo himself is naturally skinny, but not to Joker’s extent who restricts his own meals for a reason.

 

When Wonwoo asks Joker if he ever took a bath with someone else before, he tells that Joker took a bath together with Soonyoung, Jihoon, and Jeonghan at a public bath. They ended up talking and all, but it’s nothing really big.

 

They stayed in the bath for around 45 minutes before stepping out, draining the water, dry themselves with the towels, and stepping out. Both of them hangs their drenched boxers on the hanger in the bathroom before quickly wrapping their waist with the towel.

 

_“It’s been a long time since I took a bath in a bathtub.”_ Joker comments.

 

“Oh yeah, you only have a shower in your home, right?” Wonwoo asks.

 

_“Yup. Bathing like this is extremely rare and a luxury.”_

 

When they step out, Wonwoo lends Joker his shirt and shorts. The shorts are too big for Joker when he wears it, so Wonwoo gives him his belt and Joker takes it, wearing the belt tightly to fit his waist. Wonwoo’s shirt is normal sized, but it looks twice the size of Joker’s frame. The collar is hanging dangerously below his collarbone and Wonwoo mentally smacks himself from the thought of biting Joker there.

 

Now’s not the time for such thoughts, even if it’s only for a millisecond.

 

Wonwoo hangs their wet clothes in the balcony of his room. It’s a good thing it’s winter, maybe it’ll dry faster. Joker thanks him after he jumps straight to Wonwoo’s bed and without telling to each other, both of them know that Joker is staying here.

 

Wonwoo joins Joker on the mattress, eyes gazing on the ceiling. Today was peaceful, and Wonwoo is glad to witness that lake before he dies.

 

“Joker?”

 

_“Hm?”_

 

“Thank you for showing me that lake.”

 

Joker chuckles, _“Worth the one hour walk, right?”_

 

Wonwoo smiles, “Of course it is.”

 

Wonwoo doesn’t know what else Joker has in store for him. Joker reminds himself, tomorrow is the day. No matter how much he tries not to overthink, tomorrow will be one of the biggest gamble Joker will ever play. The consequences vary, and Joker has thought of every single possibilities.

 

But still, he wants Wonwoo to know.

 

And Joker himself, wants to know too.

 

Wonwoo is oblivious, and Joker doesn’t mind. Rather, he has to be oblivious. Joker will be taking Wonwoo to that place whether he like it or not, and Joker will definitely drag his ass there if he must.

 

So he silently prays to God with a smile on his face,

 

_Please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola I'm back with another chapter!!!
> 
> Stuff happened and this chapter is quite the stress relief while trying to write a cute "date" and I actually don't know if i succeeded or not lmao
> 
> Like always, thank you for reading!
> 
> PS I just found out that fireflies hibernate during winter after writing half of this chapter. So let's just pretend that fireflies can appear during winter for the sake of the story since I ran out of ideas, yeah :D


	27. Day 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo and Joker visits a particular someone before Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyy longer chapter now because this is quite an important one

 

**31 Days**

**[Day 23]**

Lost

_Joker_

Other characters

 

 

 

**[15.16 pm]**

Arriving to a house that Wonwoo never thought he’ll come and visit to, especially when he sees a certain someone carrying a baby with a smile. Joker stands behind him, giving him his best smile he could muster despite his tense shoulders, the scene of a pretty house before him,

 

It’s too much to take at once.

 

 

**[11.36 am]**

“Where are we going?”

 

_“We’re going for an early Christmas visit.”_

 

“In Daegu?”

 

_“In Daegu.”_

 

 It takes roughly three and a half hours to get to Daegu from Seoul by bus. Joker practically begged his parents for extra money and insisted Wonwoo in coming with him. Wonwoo already knows that Joker is planning something, and Wonwoo isn’t sure if he wants to know right now or not.

 

But he asks anyway. “Who are we visiting?”

 

_“If I tell you,”_ Joker pauses. _“You’ll definitely kill me before you kill yourself.”_

 

“Maybe I would?” Wonwoo adds on with a question mark behind, but he’s just joking. Joker understands that simply smiles.

 

It’s still noon, but this bus ride somehow makes both of them sleepy. They don’t talk much, and Joker doesn’t plan on telling Wonwoo at all. Joker is good at concealing his feelings, but when he has something in mind it’s quite hard _not_ to notice. It’s obvious, and Joker doesn’t seem like he’s trying to lie.

 

Joker leans his head back to the headrest of the chair, eyes fluttering shut and open as he sighs softly. He raises his scarf to cover his chin and nose just for some extra warmth to his face.

 

“Sleepy?” Wonwoo asks, and Joker nods. “You can sleep.”

 

Joker yawns, _“No.”_

 

“Why not?” Wonwoo asks again.

 

_“I just don’t want to.”_ Joker tells.

 

Joker begins to bite his lower lip, and Wonwoo doesn’t know if it’s because of nervousness or because of habit. But it seems like Joker bites his lip to bite a small piece of dry skin off. Wonwoo changes his gaze to the window, passing by buildings and other vehicles.

 

Joker takes his phone out without Wonwoo noticing. He seems to be scrolling down on something, but it’s not like Wonwoo is exactly paying attention to.

 

It’s still cold, but the bus somehow makes it warmer. Wonwoo yawns, finally closing his eyes. It’s easy for him to fall asleep, especially with Joker besides him when he’s literally not doing anything much.

 

Joker checks on him after several minutes. He brushes Wonwoo’s bangs away a little, checking if he’s already asleep. When he’s confirmed sleeping, Joker sighs. Three and a half hour is quite long considering Joker’s patience isn’t the highest of all.

 

 

 

 

_“Lost, we’re here.”_ Joker shakes Wonwoo’s shoulder to wake him up. Wonwoo quickly wakes up, but needs a few seconds to fully wake his brain up. Then when he’s alright, both of them gets off from the bus, the cold breeze immediately brushes past them, which caused both boys to shiver slightly at the same time.

 

Daegu.

 

Joker calls a taxi and when they got one, both of the boys went inside the car. Joker tells the address of where they’re going to and Wonwoo’s eyes widened. The car drives off, and Wonwoo’s gaze hasn’t left Joker since.

 

“Isn’t that...” Wonwoo trails off.

 

_“What?”_ Joker asks.

 

“Who are we going to see?” Wonwoo questions in a slightly aggressive tone, and Joker doesn’t seem surprised.

 

_“You will see.”_ Joker tells simply.

 

 

 

**[15.16 pm]**

“You... You can’t just push me there.” Wonwoo protests in a shaky voice.

 

_“I’m not forcing you to do anything other than see how that woman is doing.”_ Joker tells.

 

The house in front of them isn’t small, but not large as well. It looks simple, but looks warm. There seems to be a backyard behind the house, but it’s not something that Wonwoo truly pays attention too. There is a woman inside the house by the open window, holding a baby in her arms.

 

She looks so happy and content.

 

Wonwoo remembers— _knows—_ who she is. Or who she _was._ The same woman who left Wonwoo alone to live with the man, who Wonwoo feared for, cradles the baby in her arms with a smile on her face.

 

She really is beautiful, even though he hasn’t seen her in years.

 

Joker gives Wonwoo’s back a soft slap, giving him the best smile of encouragement he could possibly give. Joker is tense, although he tries to conceal it. Wonwoo is tense, so fucking tense his heart could fall off from his chest.

 

Soon enough, he feels his breath hitching when he accidentally makes eye contact with the woman.

 

In a second, the woman’s smile falters.

 

“J-Joker, I can’t.” Wonwoo says, trying to hold back his rushing emotions after finally seeing his mother since _years_ ago.

 

But then the woman rushes outside, practically slamming the door open as she froze in her doorstep. But after a few seconds of realization, she didn’t care to put on her shoes and just quickly walk to Wonwoo.

 

The baby is still in her arms, which she didn’t have time to put her at another place.

 

“...Wonwoo?” 

 

“M-mom,” Wonwoo stutters out.

 

Joker bows forward slightly towards Mrs. Jeon Jihye, which she quickly responded to by doing the same.

 

_“As you might’ve guessed already, I’m Joshua. A friend of Wonwoo’s.”_ Joker said. _“I do hope we didn’t bother you in some way.”_

 

“Ah, no i-it’s alright. I’m just... Surprised.” Mrs. Jihye said. “Thank you very much for bringing him here.”

 

Wonwoo immediately turns to Joker with a face of disbelief. They were... Working together? Joker realizes this and smiles thinly, _“Sorry I didn’t tell you, Lost.”_

 

Wonwoo can’t say anything to that. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to feel or say at this current situation.

 

_“Then... I shall leave you both be for now.”_ Joker says. _“I hope for the best.”_

 

“Wait—“ Before Wonwoo could finish his sentence, Joker holds Wonwoo’s hand and grips it firmly before letting go three seconds later. Joker flashes Wonwoo a smile of encouragement, and bows to Mrs. Jihye again.

 

_“Meet me at the bench we just passed by when you’re done.”_ Joker tells and Wonwoo... Nods.

 

Then, the ravenette walks away.

 

“Wonwoo,” Mrs. Jihye called, snapping Wonwoo out of his thoughts. “Let’s come in.”

 

 

 

They’re in the living room. The living room is different from Wonwoo’s house in Busan, and this one surely makes Wonwoo feel a sense of comfort, something a _home_ should have. Wonwoo sits at a single couch next to the main couch where Mrs. Jihye is. Wonwoo just feels like he needs some distance from his mother he hadn’t met since long, and Mrs. Jihye seems to feel the same way.

 

They’re both silent, fidgeting with how the words they wanted to say from all these years get stuck in the tip of their tongues. Wonwoo’s teeth subtly chatter, while Mrs. Jihye’s fingers are shaking. Wonwoo’s mind suddenly went blank, as he doesn’t know what he should truly say.

 

Wonwoo takes a deep breath, “Can we... Skip the small talks?”

 

“I was thinking the same thing.”

 

“O-okay.”

 

Then, they fall silent again.

 

Wonwoo’s not sure what to say again. He’s never prepared for this day, which Wonwoo never imagined that this day will come so soon. Actually, he never dreamed that he’d meet his mother again.

 

And Joker’s basically the one who sets everything up.

 

“Let’s start from you, Wonwoo.” Mrs. Jihye says in a soft tone.

 

Wonwoo looks to the baby in her arms still. The baby doesn’t look older than 11 months, sleeping soundly with the comfort of Mrs. Jihye’s love. It suddenly makes his stomach churn.

 

Wonwoo takes a second to examine the family picture hanging in the wall. There’s Mrs. Jihye, a girl that seems like she’s in grade school, and a man whom Wonwoo presumes as Mrs. Jihye’s new husband.

 

“It’s...” Wonwoo starts. “It’s unfair.”

 

“I don’t know what I should even call you with anymore.”

 

This causes Mrs. Jihye to widen her eyes, shock written on her beautiful face despite the slight wrinkles from age. But Wonwoo is quite positive she’s not actually surprised.

 

“I mean, you left me with Dad alone there.” Wonwoo says, eyebrows furrowing with desperation. “You just... You just disappeared and never came back. W-where _were_ you?”

 

“I know, I know how busy you were before you left the house. I—I know that sometimes you couldn’t afford me meals and all. I know that... I’m just a burden to you back then,” Wonwoo pauses. “But _why_ did you leave me?”

 

“And now you’re here, all smiley and happy like this is the first time you had a family. Hell, you even have new kids now. When I saw you outside, I thought you forgot about me.” Wonwoo says. “I... I just—“

 

Wonwoo sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose with his fingers as he ducks his head. Mrs. Jihye still hasn’t said anything, but it’s because Wonwoo still has a lot of things to say.

 

“Was I... _That_ insignificant?”

 

Mrs. Jihye swallows the lump forming in her throat, “That’s not the problem, Wonwoo. You’re not insignificant at all.”

 

“It’s... It’s no excuse to say if I’m tired with everything that happened. I am tired, but especially you. I was stupid to not think about your feelings, but I was... I was busy with all those part time jobs I had to do to at least bring food on the table. Not for him, but for _you.”_

“I promised myself that I’ll be strong. I wanted you to have at least a normal life at school, but then I just—“ Mrs. Jihye takes a sharp breath. She shakes her head, “I couldn’t do it anymore.”

 

“I had to do all the work alone, and you were still too young to work at that time. Realistically speaking, you couldn’t support me financially. And that wasn’t even something I want from you.” Mrs. Jihye said. “I wanted you to have a normal school life instead, because we both know how it’s like at Busan. If... If you couldn’t have a healthy life at home, then a normal school life _should_ suffice. That’s what I—“

 

“But that’s not what I want!” Wonwoo interjects. “I don’t _need_ a normal school life. I... All I wanted was to be happy with _you,_ not at _school.”_

“But then you left and never came back. Do you know how betrayed I felt back then?” Wonwoo questions. “If I can’t have a father figure, then I want my _mother._ I want to feel happiness with _her.”_

“And I’m sorry, Wonwoo.” Mrs. Jihye says. “I didn’t leave you there because I hate you.”

 

“My plan was to marry another man who could love and support me first. My current husband accepts me even though I had a child before.” Mrs. Jihye tells. “I wanted you to move in with us.”

 

“But I... I didn’t have the courage to go to Busan again, _especially_ to that house because every time I got reminded of that house, I feel like throwing up. In the end I couldn’t bring myself to go there, even if my husband is willing to go there with me.”

 

It’s traumatic for Mrs. Jihye. She married an abusive alcoholic because of economical stuff, which is the biggest mistake in her life. Wonwoo can’t blame her for feeling scared to go back to Busan, but his feelings still can’t reach his logic no matter how hard he tries to stay reasonable and calm.

 

“Never once I regretted giving birth to you, Wonwoo.” Mrs. Jihye. “Even if you don’t think of me as a mother, I still think of you as my son.”

 

“If you care that much about me, why didn’t you try and contact me?” Wonwoo asks. “I... I tried to call you for _years_ but ever since I graduated high school, you know what I did? _I gave up.”_

“And I couldn’t bring myself to do it.” Mrs. Jihye said. “It’s... It’s strange. But... It feels like everything regarding that place just—it just makes me scared. I don’t want to admit this, but it includes _you,_ Wonwoo. But I don’t... I don’t hate you, I can _never_ hate you. And... I didn’t know what to say to you if I answered your call.”

 

Wonwoo shakes his head, can’t look at his mother in the eyes. It makes sense, but at the same time it _doesn’t._ Wonwoo _understands_ the fear, and his mother probably has some sort of depression or anxiety, heck, even PTSD maybe. And judging by the circumstances they had, Wonwoo won’t be surprised if she developed a trauma.

 

“I just... Regret. I regret the fact that I can’t be a good mother for you, and I cowardly ran away.” She said. “I... I don’t expect your forgiveness or your understanding. If you hate me then, I—I deserve it. But I... I needed time—“

 

“If _you_ need time, then _I_ do too,” Wonwoo interjects. Tears start to line his eyes, desperately trying to hold it back. “I know you barely had money back then. I know I would just be another mouth to feed if you bring me along in your escape. But... It was _too_ long and I didn’t even _know_ it you’re still alive or not, because you never once contacted me.”

 

“To be honest,” Wonwoo pauses. “I don’t _hate_ you. I miss you, even though I’m literally questioning my love for you. And... I’m angry at you.”

 

Mrs. Jihye nods, a thin smile full of sadness and regret decorates her beautiful face. “...I understand.”

 

“And Wonwoo?” Mrs. Jihye says. “How are you doing?”

 

_Other than the fact that my life is a clusterfuck and going to commit suicide in December 31 st, I’m perfectly fine, _Wonwoo wants to say. But of course he can’t, and he knows. He doesn’t plan on telling his mother that he’s gonna commit suicide by the end of the month.

 

“I’m doing okay,” Wonwoo lies. “Not perfectly fine, but okay.”

 

“And... How’s your dad?”

 

“He’s joining a rehab program. He said he wants to change for the best, and... Apologized to me, feels guilty over all the things he had done to... To both of us.” Wonwoo tells.

 

“I see.” Mrs. Jihye says. “And... You? Are you really okay?”

 

“I’m okay.” _I’m not._

“You don’t have to lie to me, Wonwoo.” Mrs. Jihye says. “I know you’re not. And you don’t have to tell me anything, since... I’ve been seeing a psychologist myself.”

 

It’s not surprising, but Wonwoo feels guilty now. He... He lashed out at his mother. Even though he tries not to talk in a harsh and stern manner, he practically lashed out and failed to control his emotions and words. He sounded like he’s blaming Mrs. Jihye, even though that’s not his intention at all.

 

“After all these years, maybe I don’t have the rights to say this but... I’m proud of you, Wonwoo.” Mrs. Jihye says. “You’re stronger than I am.”

 

“I only realized now that I really never been much of a good mother figure to you. When you had problems, I would brush them off because I childishly thought, ‘you’re problems doesn’t compare to mine’ and... I hate the fact that I thought that way. I was so childish and selfish. In the end, I forgot that you also had your own problems and needed my help because you had nobody else to share.”

 

Wonwoo nods slowly. “Yeah, but I can’t really blame you too. But hey, now I have someone I can share my problems with.”

 

“Is it that Joshua boy?” Mrs. Jihye asks.

 

Wonwoo nods again. “He’s the reason I could manage this far.”

 

Mrs. Jihye smiles, different than her sad smile. This time, it’s warm. Filled with relief, warmth, and love. She seems genuinely glad, to the point she actually showed her tears to Wonwoo she desperately tried to hide.

 

Wonwoo doesn’t stop her from crying, nor did he try to comfort her. It would be too awkward, and he doesn’t really know how to comfort someone in need.

 

“I... I’m glad.” Mrs. Jihye says between her hitched breathing. “I’m glad you’re not alone.”

 

“What do you mean by that?”

 

“He told me a lot.” 

 

“Apparently, he dialed all hospitals in Busan, asking for my name and where I am. Unfortunately for him, nobody knew me. Then he changed his targets to dial all flower shops in Busan that he could find in the internet. Again, nobody knew me.” Mrs. Jihye explains.

 

“Then it’s just like you guessed; he dialed all Starbuck’s in Busan he could get.”

 

Wonwoo’s lips part just a tad. Dialing that many numbers and doing research for so many places can take an hour or two, or maybe even more. So... When exactly did Joker do his research regarding this?

 

“He got my number from a waiter in Starbuck’s who knew me. He finally succeeded after multiple tries, isn’t that odd of him to be desperately searching for me?” Mrs. Jihye chuckles. “After he got my number, he called me in... 2 am. Then... We just talked.”

 

Joker told Mrs. Jihye that Wonwoo was doing okay. They became friends from a community in Twitter (which he lied about, so Wonwoo plays along) and told that Joker had similar problems with Wonwoo, but only met each other face to face only recently. Then after several chit-chats, Joker finally asked Mrs. Jihye to meet Wonwoo someday. He said it _has_ to be in December.

 

And it turned out to be today.

 

“He called me in the 22nd. But then I agreed him to bring you here today.” Mrs. Jihye said. “I owe him a lot.”

 “So... That’s what happened.” Wonwoo mumbles. So Joker called Mrs. Jihye only yesterday, before both of them went to that lake. No wonder Joker was seemingly calling someone outside his room when Wonwoo just woke up. How could he not suspect a thing?

 

Wonwoo lets a breathy chuckle escape his lips, wondering why the hell Joker did that much just to make Wonwoo and Mrs. Jihye meet. Wonwoo often forgets the fact that he’s going to commit suicide, and when he remembers that it’s already December 23rd, he realized how much time he had left.

 

He had eight more days.

 

He never realized how fast time passed by. Maybe it’s because Joker realize this, and thus he decided to do whatever it takes so Wonwoo won’t have any more regrets.

 

All for Wonwoo?

 

“You really got yourself such a good friend, eh?” Mrs. Jihye smiles. “I’m happy you’ve met someone like him.”

 

A thin smile makes its appearance on Wonwoo’s face, still can’t fathom how reckless Joker is.

 

No wonder he’s in love with him.

 

“Wonwoo,” Mrs. Jihye calls. “Do you love him?”

 

“Of course I do.” Wonwoo says.

 

“No, I meant it in a romantic way.”

 

Wonwoo pauses. “...Will you hate me if I do?”

 

Instead of a disgusted look like Wonwoo expected her to have, she is smiling.

 

“Of course not.” Mrs. Jihye says, her voice sounding rather light. “It’s okay to like a boy too, Wonwoo. At the end of the day, it’s love. But you do know that he might not feel the same, right?”

 

“I know. But he’s open-minded, his cousin is gay yet he loves him with all his heart.” Wonwoo smiles too.

 

Mrs. Jihye nods in full satisfaction.

 

 

 

After a few more minutes of talking, they decided to stop. Without them noticing, they’ve been talking for an hour or so. Wonwoo freezes when he realized that Joker is waiting _outside_ for _that_ long and honestly, Wonwoo feels guilty.

 

When they talked, Wonwoo learns that he has a half-sister named Hayun, which is that baby. She’s cute, her cheeks are chubby and so kissable. Wonwoo only gives her head a pat, but since she doesn’t know Wonwoo, she could only look at him with confusion.

 

He also (technically) has another younger sister, which is the grade school kid that Wonwoo saw in the family picture in the wall. Her name is Bora, and even though Wonwoo and Bora never met personally, Bora knows him from Mrs. Jihye’s stories.

 

Apparently, Mrs. Jihye’s current husband’s former wife died from an illness from years ago, so he got remarried with Mrs. Jihye and had another child which is Hayun. Since Wonwoo and Mrs. Jihye are still mother and son, Wonwoo _technically_ joins the new family tree too. If that are how things work?

 

“But have you signed the papers to officially divorce with Dad?” Wonwoo asks.

 

“No...” Mrs. Jihye sheepishly says.

 

“So... Since you and Dad haven’t signed the papers, doesn’t that mean your current husband is like a third party?” Wonwoo asks again.

 

“Well, you get the gist of it.” Mrs. Jihye tells. “Now that you told me he’s joining a rehab program, I think I can sign the papers sooner than I think.”

 

“That’s good to hear.” Wonwoo says nonchalantly.

 

Now they’re in front of the doorstep, Wonwoo preparing to leave. Wonwoo swallows the lump in his throat when he realized that this might be the last time he sees his mother.

 

“Will you... Move in with us?” She asks.

 

Of course not. What’s the point of moving in to Mrs. Jihye’s house when he’s gonna die anyway?

 

Instead of answering a no or a yes, Wonwoo answers with, “I’ll think about it.”

 

Then, silence engulfs them once again for a second.

 

“Wonwoo,” Mrs. Jihye calls with a sad smile. “I’m sorry.”

 

Wonwoo falls silent, taking a sharp breath before blowing a puff of air out from his mouth.

 

“...Can I hug you?” Wonwoo asks.

 

Mrs. Jihye smiles, opening her arms wide and Wonwoo instantly jumps to her embrace. He’s still holding back his tears, not wanting to cry this time. He truly misses his mother’s hug, and he’s grateful that Joker brought him here so suddenly.

 

“I forgive you, Mom.” Wonwoo says. “I’m sorry too.”

 

Mrs. Jihye smiles, shaking her head against his shoulder. “It’s okay, Sunshine. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

 

Wonwoo can’t hold his smile from appearing on his face. He lets go of the hug, eyes fixated to his mother’s smiling face with tears forming in her eyes.

 

“Mom, are we good now?”

 

“We are, sweetie.”

 

This will be the last time.

 

The last time he sees his mother.

 

“Bye, Mom.” Wonwoo says.

 

Mrs. Jihye nods, “Bye, Wonwoo. Tell your friend I said thank you.”

 

“And before I forget,” Mrs. Jihye says, taking out something from her pocket and gives it to Wonwoo. “This is some cash for you and Joshua’s bus ride. This is the least I can do to thank him too.”

 

“Okay, thank you, Mom.”

 

When Wonwoo turns to get out of that house in rushed feet, Mrs. Jihye suddenly says;

 

“Play with Bora and Hayun next time!”

 

Wonwoo can’t bring himself to answer nor turn back. He doesn’t stop his tracks, simply going forward without looking back. He could barely hold back his tears, already falling down his cheeks in a few drops.

 

 

He passes by other houses without a care, only wanting to hurry and meet Joker.

 

The bench they talked about is actually in the playground. It’s cold as fuck, yet when Wonwoo sees Joker sitting on one of the benches there, shivering from the cold, Wonwoo immediately rushes to him. He left him for too long.

 

Before he could meet him, Wonwoo immediately rubs his cheeks and eyes with his sleeve. After he’s done in wiping his tears, he approaches closer to Joker.

 

_“Lost.”_ Joker says, standing up from the bench as soon as he notices Wonwoo’s presence. _“Welcome back.”_

 

Wonwoo looks exhausted without a doubt, and Joker is nervous about what happened from the past hour. If you’re curious of what was he doing, he bought a warm drink from the vending machine and sits down on the same bench for an hour while praying to God.

 

But then, Wonwoo suddenly wraps his arms around Joker’s shoulders, breath hitching for a bit as Joker seems confused. Wonwoo’s action is a bit ambiguous for him, and Joker’s not sure if this sudden hug is a good thing or not.

 

“It was okay.” Wonwoo says. “I managed to talk with her.”

 

_“Ah, that’s a relief.”_ Joker says, smiling thinly.

 

“But I’m still mad at you.” Wonwoo tells.

 

_“Yeah I know, you look like you’re gonna kick my ass.”_ Joker says.

 

Then Wonwoo lets go of Joker, his hands reaching to grab Joker’s cold hands instead. Joker seems a bit taken aback, but not questioning anything. Wonwoo’s grip is gentle and warm, but Joker can see how pissed Wonwoo is despite his expression being a mixed of slight anger and hurt.

 

“No, don’t brush this off as a joke.” Wonwoo says. “I’m serious.”

 

Joker hums slightly as he nods, allowing Wonwoo to continue on what he’s gonna say. Joker himself knows that he crossed the line, meddling too much with Wonwoo’s personal life.

 

“Look, I know I messed up in my part too.” Wonwoo starts. “I just decided to kill myself because I thought that nobody would ever need me again. I thought that I won’t see my mother ever again, and when that thought occurred to me, I just felt like I should kill myself. Nobody wants me, and I don’t have a reason to live too. I’ll be... Just a waste of space.”

 

“I saw my dad as a fearful enemy, and I saw my mom as a betrayer for all of my life, without thinking that they might change to become the better. I guess that’s where I’m wrong. I didn’t even know that my mom’s been seeing a psychologist.”  Wonwoo pauses. “But you treated me like a child, not a friend or a client.”

 

Joker’s smile changes into a sad one, similar to Mrs. Jihye’s. Although he’s apologetic, he never once broke eye contact with Wonwoo. This is something that Wonwoo is grateful of, because it truly feels like Joker is listening to every word that comes out of Wonwoo’s mouth.

 

“You... You went behind my back, Joker. You went off and decided what you think was best for me without my consent, and that hurts.” Wonwoo says. “Even if it’s for the best.”

 

“Will you at least apologize?”

 

Joker opens his mouth and takes a breath, _“I know I crossed the line, Lost.”_

 

_“I know I can be quite the headstrong guy, and I can be quite reckless and act accordingly to my own will without asking you. But I still think that it’s worth coming here.”_ Joker says. _“You need to see your mother at least once while she’s still here.”_

 

_“Your mother is still alive, but mine isn’t. My biological mother isn’t. And I know how it feels like to not get another chance to say what you want to say towards your loved ones.”_ Joker tells in a soft voice. _“That one chance is no longer there for me, which is why I don’t want you to experience the same thing.”_

 

_“I... Remember that time before my mother died, I didn’t eat her homemade breakfast because I just didn’t want to.”_ Joker tells. _“I should’ve eaten it, and say it’s delicious. I should’ve thanked her, but I didn’t.”_

 

So that’s why he restricts his meals?

 

Because of that ‘small’ thing, that made him regret it so much to the point of restricting his meals?

 

“But you do know that my fate can be changed by a single sentence from her, right?” Wonwoo asks, a bit desperate. “You know how risky it is?”

 

_“I know.”_ Joker affirms, his hand finally tightens around Wonwoo’s to reassure him, or to convey what Joker can’t say to him. _“I know, and this is the biggest gamble I’ve done so far. This choice can cost your life, because if it gets downhill, the chance of you killing yourself will increase. And I'll be the one responsible for it.”_

 

“Then why did you do this?” Wonwoo asks again.

 

_“Because I believe in you.”_ Joker tells.

 

Wonwoo falls silent.

 

_“I know you’re stronger than you think you are. I believe you could talk things out with your mother, just like how you did it with your father before you came to Seoul.”_ Joker says. _“I called her beforehand, but I just didn’t tell you.”_

 

_“I still don’t regret calling your mother and making you meet her. And I don’t think I ever will.”_ Joker pauses, smiling.

 

His hands tighten more with Wonwoo’s, who is already feeling week from all the emotions he feels now.

 

_“I’m not gonna make more excuses, Lost. And I have no intentions to apologize over something I don’t regret.”_ He says. _“Even if it’s something you deem as unforgivable, I won’t apologize. I know that I’ve meddled too much, but I’m glad I decided to do this.”_

 

Wonwoo gulps, trying to hold back his tears from falling again. Joker looks determined, determined to pull Wonwoo to the best path Joker could find.

 

Wonwoo feels special.

 

“...What do I say to that?” Wonwoo asks, voice trembling without his notice.

 

_“You say ‘Joker, I love you for being an assho—“_

 

“Then be my Christmas partner.”

 

Joker blinks in confusion.

 

_“What? Aren’t you mad at me?”_

 

“I am. That’s why, be my Christmas partner. That’s the least you could do other than apologizing to me.” Wonwoo says, although he’s still in a quite emotional state.

 

Joker’s eyes widened when he realize that Wonwoo is serious in saying that. He tilts his head to the side, _“I guess I can do it.”_

 

“Really?”

 

_“Mm-hmm!”_ Joker smiles, flashing his trademark eye-smile. _“It’s not like I have anyone else to spend Christmas with. Soonyoung will be all over Jihoon, my best friend Jeonghan will have a date with his girlfriend. That leaves me to you.”_

 

“But are you really okay, though? You don’t have anyone else more special?”

 

_“What are you saying, you_ are _special.”_ Joker protests with a pout. _“Besides, I don’t mind being your ‘date’ for this year’s Christmas. When will we ever get this chance again?”_

 

At that, Wonwoo tears up. He wonders what in the world he did to deserve Joker, again for the hundredth time. Joker chuckles at this, _“What, you want me to lend you my chest and cry?”_

 

Then Wonwoo does that. He literally wraps Joker in a bone-crushing hug as if Joker is made of steel, hiding his tears and nuzzles on Joker’s shoulder.

 

_“Not quite my chest and it was meant to be a joke, but okay.”_ Joker says. He places one hand on Wonwoo’s back, while the other gently ruffles Wonwoo’s dyed hair like a mother would. _“There, there, cry all you want.”_

 

In the end, Wonwoo sobs, cries, scream, and then sniffle as tears rushes down to his cheeks, wetting Joker’s scarf.

 

_“It’s okay, it’s okay,”_ Joker says in a calming singing tone. _“I’m right here~”_

 

 

 

It’s already night from the windows of the bus. Wonwoo rests his head against Joker’s shoulder, sleeping soundly. Joker doesn’t mind, soon enough joining to sleep.

 

Christmas is around the corner, and what should they buy for each other?

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl, this chapter was very hard to write so it took me a while, but I hope I managed to at least make this chapter decent enough TT
> 
> High school is about to start, fuck me and my life, how to even make friends, but I guess I'll have to deal with it (9｀･ω･)9
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading as always!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on a dream I had months ago. In my dream, Wonwoo was talking with someone through the phone inside a house which is so hORRIBLE (full of whiskey bottles and cigarettes) and an old man sitting on the couch. The language was pretty gibberish (well it's a dream so--), but i got the feeling that Wonwoo was making a last call to someone.
> 
> So that's how I turned that one dream into a fanfic so if this fic is similar to any other stories or books, i apologize but it's purely coincidental. I also read some stuff online for references so I can make the dialogues as natural as possible (butisuck)
> 
> But I hope you enjoyed!


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